tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-357534632024-03-14T00:21:08.649-06:00 TIBBSLOVEIf you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be.
Now put foundations under them.
~Henry David ThoreauAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10458619768429963894noreply@blogger.comBlogger639125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35753463.post-26466349677148855532016-02-04T12:41:00.001-07:002016-02-04T12:41:47.203-07:00Truth, and Clarity About The Fact That I Know Very Little About TruthWhen I think about "who I am" and "where I'm at" in my life right now, I find myself going deep. Like, deep into my soul, mind... heart... deep within. It feels like I'm in a pool of fresh, clear water... and I'm looking up and I see the heart of a young woman I once knew.<br />
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This is what happens when you close in on midlife... just so you know.<br />
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That young woman is me, of course. But she's the old version of me... the younger version. She is the vivacious, know-it-all, goodie two-shoes, who seriously thought she knew a thing or two about life. That young woman had plans, and ideals, and expectations.<br />
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Hilarious!<br />
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See, that's the thing about this part of life I'm in. I am now fully aware of how little I knew then, and how little I know now.<br />
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Is it being in my thirties that has something to do with it? Is it because I've moved a lot? Is it because I've heard stories and loved others who have walked different paths than me? Is it because I've given birth? Does my faith in a higher power play a part?<br />
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Yes. All those things... and more.<br />
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I'm at a point where it's become very clear to me that life isn't about having answers, but consistently seeking truth. I don't believe truth is about black and white answers; it's about story, and redemption through relationship, and love, and seeing the world as a big place full of big hearts who really all just want the same thing: Love, security, food... salvation from the hurt and anguish. Isn't that what we all want?<br />
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We never really find answers; we never "make it." It's the seeking, the journey that brings us real truth.<br />
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As I form opinions, and get all riled up, and find myself prepping to blog big words about my opinions on the world... I frequently find myself realizing that these viewpoints of mine can change and no longer hold truth for me; as my naive opinions in my twenties don't now. I do not see the world and all the people in it with the same eyes, nor will I see it with the same eyes a decade from now.<br />
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We are living in a rich time of debate, social media, politics, human-rights activity, gender awareness, educational reform, healthcare reform... the list goes on. The one thing I realize is that no opinion, vantage point, or truth will ever be one size fits all. Once a person forms an opinion, states it out loud and turns their back on all other truth, they themselves will turn their backs on those whose story does not fit into the "truth" of that opinion.<br />
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Is this all making sense?<br />
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I find myself hesitant to engage in opinion wars online. I hold back from writing, explaining and ranting about what I think truth is on my blog. As life has taught me, I will state said opinion, and meet someone with a heartbreaking story and that truth of mine is forever shattered into an untruth. If there is any truth to behold, it is that we are never the same when we are seeking honest, living, truth through the eyes of others who live alongside us.<br />
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So... I guess that's my opinion on the matter.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10458619768429963894noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35753463.post-46455824729201512332015-11-13T08:24:00.001-07:002015-11-13T08:24:24.769-07:00Blogging Is A Mindful TaskI was hanging with a few of my Homeschool Mom friends yesterday and we found ourselves talking about blogging. Sheepishly, I mentioned that I've had a blog for nearly ten years and recently I've begun to seriously ignore it. I couldn't give the ladies a real reason why I haven't been blogging, other than busyness or just a general lack of attention.<div>
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If I was being really honest, though, I would have recognized that there have been moments when I've mentally stopped and thought, "I should write about this" and willfully decided not to. I made the choice to not write (all my writer friends: you can stop judging me now). </div>
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I realized, I often don't blog because it is just one more thing. Blogging has been a very rewarding part of my inner-life as well as my social life, but over the course of the past year it has become just one more thing among the dishes, the laundry, the errands, the appointments, the lessons, the busyness, the chatter, the movement, the explanations, the lessons, the stress, the mundane and everything else. It became another task.</div>
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How did I let this rewarding, fulfilling thing become just another task!?</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-epFjH-e6gzM/VkX-0nEP6XI/AAAAAAAALWc/YNghWDG_sPU/s1600/Happy%2BTo%2BBe%2BAlive.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-epFjH-e6gzM/VkX-0nEP6XI/AAAAAAAALWc/YNghWDG_sPU/s320/Happy%2BTo%2BBe%2BAlive.jpg" width="320" /></a>As a stay-at-home-school mother, I find my focus to never be... focused. I rarely have the time to just lean into something for more than a half hour. I wear many hats (as the saying goes) and rarely have time to myself. When I do have that time to myself, I choose activities like sitting, staring, sleeping, and basically anything that requires little brain energy. I choose rest.<br /><br />The irony is this type of rest is yes, rest; but not the type of rest that refills my tank. Existing is not enough. This type relaxation is important, but I rarely feel energized after staring (I'm chuckling to myself right now, because staring IS a REAL thing you guys!) or just sitting. <b>What brings energy to my soul is recognizing that I'm alive, and giving back, and serving, and growing, and becoming, and nurturing. </b></div>
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I recognize in myself that blogging creates a sense of presence in my own life; I am aware and cognizant of the moment in which I am giving of myself. <b>I am present.</b> It is very easy (and sometimes necessary) to get through the days and manage the week as best as possible without putting too much thought and effort in, but who wants to just "get through" their life? I want to <b>live</b> and remember and <b>thrive</b>. Blogging has been, and should continue to be, a very rewarding contribution I make to my own life and the lives of those I care about.</div>
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I'd say that I should probably do more reflecting, and recognize the things I deeply value, beyond blogging. Motherhood can feel arduous and monotonous, but it doesn't have to feel like endless weeks of "just getting through." Being aware and clear-headed and mindful helps the ongoing moments feel like treasures I store up in my heart for always. And maybe, while I'm doing dishes, laundry or all the things, my mind is present and I truly feel, hear and understand the joy of the life I'm living now. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10458619768429963894noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35753463.post-38320243806363472572015-06-20T22:05:00.003-06:002015-06-20T22:05:59.544-06:00Finding Neverland In My Own HeartAfter a particularly rough day with the Little Critter, I decided to relax by watching Finding Neverland on Netflix.<br />
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Now, mind you, today wasn't especially bad... but it's been a few weeks of solo-parenting, kiddo missing his dad, summer bliss, boundary breaking fun. In a nutshell, today may have been a day that broke my emotional threshold. You know, when your heart is just overwhelmed with all of it and the normal kid behavior makes you wanna cry, even though it probably shouldn't.<br />
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Finding Neverland was a good choice.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 30px;"><i><b>Following the dismal reception of his latest play, Little Mary, J.M. Barrie meets widowed Sylvia and her four young sons in Kensington Gardens. He proves to be a great playmate and surrogate father figure for the boys, and their imaginative antics inspire him to write a play about boys who do not want to grow up. Barrie's producer skeptically agrees to mount Peter Pan despite his belief it holds no appeal for upper-class theatergoers. Barrie places children from a nearby orphanage in the audience for the opening night show and the adults present react to their infectious delight with an appreciation of their own. The play proves to be a huge success.<a href="http://www.miramax.com/movie/finding-neverland/" target="_blank"> *Credit: Miramax, 2004</a></b></i></span><br />
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This movie struck all the chords within my heart, the first being mother. I was reminded that though kiddos have rough days (as all humans do), at the center of each child is a heart that longs to explore, be free, imagine, and learn all they can about this world we live in. Every child is Peter and the Lost Boys. As a mother, it is my job to encourage these things within the heart of my own child and those I am called to love. Loving a child is allowing the spirit to soar, so that they may learn who they truly are within their own hearts.<br />
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As children grow and learn what it means to be human, they are forced to handle the pressures of life and this can often be overwhelming. Anyone else had a long, busy day result in tears and refusal to brush teeth? No? Hmm... must just be me.<br />
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Life will, if we let it, snuff out the creative heart of a child and they will fight it. Finding Neverland reminded me that though the days and weeks can be grueling, they are also beautiful treasure, because often this is our kids efforts (though they're usually unaware) to take back their time, freedom and creativity.<br />
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It can be a very difficult and often impossible thing to truly "store up these treasures" or feel the "gratitude, because someday you will miss this" when the pressure of parenthood becomes a weight, but if we truly have a heart for this calling (parenting), we will be blessed with reminders of why we're going to get up and do it all again tomorrow. It's my job to advocate for the heart of my child!<br />
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I am continually having to be reminded of this. My calling as a parent is not a duty, it is a gift; a treasure.<br />
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On our roughest days, it's often wise to plop down on the couch, and find something that will remind you of your own heart, and what you believe in. Give yourself a good cry and let yourself be free to acknowledge that one bad day doesn't mean you're a bad parent. In fact, bad days give us opportunities to reevaluate and reacknowldge just why we're doing this incredibly important job.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10458619768429963894noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35753463.post-88657761869959390702015-06-19T19:24:00.000-06:002015-06-19T19:24:21.764-06:00Thirty-Five Years Old: I'm Perfectly ImperfectThree weeks ago I celebrated my thirty-fifth birthday, and I'll be honest... this season of my life requires less validation, perfection and tidyness. My thirties are clearly my best time of life yet, and as I edge closer and closer to my forties I do believe they'll trump this decade with even betterness (I know... bad grammer). The forties will have to wait... I'm busy enjoy my thirties.<div>
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I recognize that this year in particular has been a huge year of growth, and maturity for me. It has been a rowdy, messy and really emotional (that last one probably doesn't come as a surprise to most of you) year. </div>
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It is often painful when change is effectively taking place in the heart of a person. It is for me. In the midst, change feels real, honest and freeing; scary, vulnerable and messy. In January I acknowledged my lifelong struggle with depression. When you put a name on something, it becomes real, and for me, the depression took a dark turn.<b> </b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>It was like for the first time I didn't run or hide... I stood in the wake and felt all the feels</b>.</span> In the midst of those feels, I recognized how deep this illness has crept into my life; how it defined all the many parts of me and how I acted (or reacted) out my every day. I could no longer be defined by depression. </div>
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Among all of these revelations about myself and my psyche, it became evident that I needed to stop the attempt at perfection. <b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Good enough is good enough.</span> </b>It takes practice to leave the house without makeup or showering, to let the house be messy when friends come over, and to wear the same pants every day for a week, because I'm tired and there aren't any clean ones. <span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>It takes discipline to believe that all the imperfect things in my life do not define me as a person.</b></span> Sure, perfection has it's appropriate place in everyone's life, but when that perfection is not achieved it's okay. I can try again tomorrow, or the day after that.</div>
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The irony? <span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>When I'm good to myself, I'm good to others; and all of that feels good.</b></span></div>
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Anyway, here I am... thirty-five years old! That seriously sounds old, you guys. The most darling, sweet thing: my husband says I look young for my age. I'll take it! Ha ha... the irony of that is, I don't really care about my greying hair, my sagging eyelids, and crows feet. Vanity seems to have taken a back seat for awhile. While she's back there, <span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>I'll continue to work on my heart and soul, because as most of us know, the seasons of darkness comes and go</b>.</span> Learning to keep myself on track while facing the dark is a challenge I just may have mastered by the time forty-five rolls around; and if not, I'll try to have it mastered by fifty-five. </div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10458619768429963894noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35753463.post-77071418097539393412015-02-22T13:35:00.000-07:002015-02-22T13:37:27.070-07:00Mind Over Matter<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://treeporn.net/post/23036976318/where-would-you-rather-be-photo-is-of" target="_blank">Photo Credit: Tree Porn</a></td></tr>
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Ain't that the truth! We've lived in Indiana for over a year and a half and I still miss the trees, rivers, rocks, waterfalls and ocean. Sigh...<br />
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At what point does a person truly find beauty in the place they're in?<br />
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I'm attempting to keep an open heart toward this place they call the Midwest; an open heart toward beauty, simplicity and good times.<br />
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Still waiting. Not convinced this is it.<br />
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In my waiting I will make the most of the relationships I'm building, the life we have have here and the home we adore.<br />
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Sure the land is flat, brown, boring... but there is good everywhere, right? I keep telling myself this... and will try to convince my mind and heart of this very thing as long as it takes.<br />
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Pray for me. Because seriously, you guys... it's rough out here.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10458619768429963894noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35753463.post-60048344456601910032015-02-07T09:22:00.000-07:002015-02-07T09:22:49.333-07:00At the end of the day, we're all enough.It's Friday (started this on Friday...) and like most, I'm attempting to get through the final day of the week. My body resisted climbing out of bed this morning and I found myself worn out from being "on point" all week (let's be honest... I was never on point at <i>any</i> point this week). Fridays are like, "If I can just make it through one more day..."<div>
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Ironically, with Matt's schedule lately, it's been endless days of "if I can just get through one more day..." </div>
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At points, I recognize survival is the only goal for the day, the week and often, the month. Get through it. Meals, clothing, tidy house, school work, few social obligations.... do it all over again. It can feel mind-numbing and often incredibly isolating. The monotonous day in and day out of a noble motherhood experience, and yet... there is always someone, somewhere telling me I should be doing more.</div>
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This is a trap; the feeling of needing to do more. I fall into it daily.</div>
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I'm told I should be doing more situps to achieve that flat stomach. I should be doing more meditation to give the world more of an open heart. I should be reading the Bible more often, to enrich my spirit. I should be praying for my husband, my child, my family, my friends, my pastor, my neighbors, my church, my kids' friends, their families.... I should be eating healthier food. I should be reading more self-help books. I should be reading more fiction! Dangit, I should start a book club. I should go for a run, because nothing is healthier than a strong heart and cellulite-free thighs. I should be participating in a women's club. </div>
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This is just the tip of the iceburg... I could name 100 more things I should be doing as a mother, a teacher, a wife and as a friend. The list often feels endless.</div>
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If I'm being honest, I've attempted to imagine accomplishing all of those things I'm told are good, and right and noble. Daily, I beat myself up for not completing my mental to-do list and monthly I recount all the failures I've stacked against myself. Annually, I look back and see only the "important" things I didn't do... the goals I didn't achieve.</div>
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This horribly destructive pattern is tearing me apart, and I can bet I'm not the only one out there trying to keep up. </div>
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What if I laid down all the stuff that doesn't really matter? What if I focused on the things that do matter? Stuff like, playing with my kid and laughing with my husband. Creating wholesome meals that are tried and true...nothing fancy or over-the-top expensive. What if I focused on my child's character building through relationship, instead of pushing memory verses on him daily? What if I accepted myself the way I am, and then learned to love myself... instead of believing I should be firmer, thinner, prettier...smarter?</div>
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Sigh... deep breaths and let's take a minute to think about all the expectations we set for ourselves.... and then imagine how many of those expectations really matter to us. Like, <i>REALLY</i> matter.</div>
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I am trying to let go of all the obligitory expectations (it's a slow process, mind you), and as I do so I am realizing it becomes easier for me to see evidence of the things I am doing right. Clearing the air allows me to see where my real values lie... and then, in turn, I am able to invest in those things that matter to me the most. Ignoring the expecations the world dumps in my lap, gives me head space to foster and nurture the values we hold most dear to in our own family. </div>
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It's a daily battle to simplify, especially when I've been in my head for years. Trying to be better is often a trap that is measured against the impossible, and though it is noble and right to want to improve on ourselves, we have to accept that we can only do so much. </div>
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Instead of keeping up, I'd like to thrive. If thriving means only doing a few things a day or setting smalls goals that are truly acheivable for the time of life I'm in, then I'm on board. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not enough, I'm not accomplishing enough, and I'm not good enough. At the end of the day, we're all enough. We have only ourselves to give... and that, my friends <i>is</i> enough.</div>
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<i>For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith. This is not from yourselves, but a gift from God; not by works, so that no one can boast.</i></div>
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<i>-Ephesians 2:8</i></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10458619768429963894noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35753463.post-41002313579264169222015-01-30T14:56:00.003-07:002015-02-03T13:00:55.935-07:00Do The Work and Find A Therapist<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TiyraLTcrgs/VMv8J11RGDI/AAAAAAAALEs/3_GDNijiG1M/s1600/Positive%2BLife_Yumi%2BKim.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TiyraLTcrgs/VMv8J11RGDI/AAAAAAAALEs/3_GDNijiG1M/s1600/Positive%2BLife_Yumi%2BKim.jpg" height="320" width="238" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://yumikim.tumblr.com/post/47023581460" target="_blank">Photo: Yumi Kim</a></td></tr>
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January is by far my least favorite month of the year. Some would think it's great... starting over, fresh beginnings, and nothing to plan for. For me, it's bleak.<br />
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This particular January has been a rough one. I've come to accept the fact that I cannot manage my depression on my own. It's a day to day basis, and frankly I've had more bad days than good ones the past six weeks... or the past year... or maybe my entire life? It's all in question right now.</div>
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Christmas was beautiful... my parents came to Muncie, and we celebrated in such meaningful ways. Togetherness is something that always touches my heart, and having them here for a couple weeks was an incredible gift!</div>
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In spite of the festivities, I still had this cloud of grey over my heart. It seems, I cannot remember a time when I was genuinely happy, or light-hearted. It seems everything is weighted or heavy-laden... tainted with some kind of sadness. I am unable to truly be free. At times, I've felt this happiness people speak of, but just as I seem to get a grip, it is lost again.</div>
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I am unsure why I'm sharing this.</div>
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This morning I did the easy thing... I lost it on my husband. Just ugly crying, slinging judgement, accusations, resentment, blame... all of the ugly came pouring out. Everything I've fought years to learn to control came tumbling out. There was no hiding everything that has been my heart. I caught a glimpse of myself and was immediately ashamed of how far I've let myself go. How far I've slid from the woman I know I really am.</div>
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This is where guilt, shame and embarassment reside. We're all very familiar with one another... they and I. </div>
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After Matt left for work, I did my own work and found a therapist. The sense of relief was slight, but it was there. </div>
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Right now the tears are partially for my brokeness, but mostly for grace. I've felt lost, but truly in my heart I know I am never lost. I am known, loved and wanted. I know this, but I don't feel it. I don't know why, but I'm rewarded with an incredibly patient husband, and friendships with whom I can be honest.</div>
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I look at others and often wonder: How are they so free?</div>
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Monday will be a step in the right direction... a step toward healing. Not just temporary healing, but life-changing, mending the broken pieces, becoming whole again, healing...freedom. </div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10458619768429963894noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35753463.post-6396625020747793502014-11-10T11:37:00.000-07:002014-11-10T11:37:04.198-07:00The Freedom Of HomeschoolWaking up this morning, I realized it's November! I mean, I knew it was November... but whoa! It IS November and that means Winter, The Holidays, snow, cold weather, cookies, crafting, cabin-fever and all the good things (and some unpleasant) that go along with this season!<br />
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I've sort of laid off the blog for awhile. I went through a time of not wanting to "talk." Does this ever happen to you? For me, I felt overwhelmed as I jumped into a new season of new experiences. The need to evaluate <i>without</i> explanation was ever-present, and as we ventured through the Fall season, I didn't have answers.<br />
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Now I'm feeling a little more clarity, and I think I want to talk about our homeschooling experience thus far.<br />
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Homeschooling with Lucas has been (for the most part) incredibly fun. Honestly, it's often the best part of our day! Lucas will ask me when we get to do "schoolwork?" This warms my heart, immensely.<br />
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That being said, homeschooling can feel a bit like a beast... tame, as long as I don't over-think things too much. There are days when I think "we should be doing more," which lead to feelings of potential failure or maybe I'm not providing all the content he needs. In my heart, I know this is a total untruth. But homeschooling can seriously be a beast!<br />
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In full honesty, I felt completely overwhelmed at the start. I knew in my heart that this was the right decision for our family; for Lucas. The longer I sought out curriculum, structure, content, and advice, the more ill-equipped I felt. If there is one thing I can suggest to all parents out there: Do not look at ALL THE BLOGS and set that as an expectation for yourself. If you didn't feel overwhelmed or completely unqualified before, you will after reading blogs and websites that tell you how to do it. Just don't.<br />
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After a couple summer months of preparing, I finally decided to not choose a curriculum set. I realized that there is no "package" made for every child and the reason I am homeschooling Lucas is to provide an education that is good for HIM. I chose a base workbook that is a suited for general Kindergarten. This would ensure Lucas is getting all the content he would learn in Kindergarten classroom (it's vitally important to me that he get content he would get in a "regular" classroom, in addition to what we provide at home). This workbook is the smallest part of our homeschool experience, as I build on it with other content Lucas and I are interested in (Phonics, Reading Comprehension, Art, Music, Spanish...Volcanoes!). Once I released the idea of having to shape our homeschool experience to fit into a specific curriculum, the whole thing suddently felt feasible. If curriculum matched our needs, homeschooling felt doable in our home.<br />
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This free-thinking approach to homeschooling opened my eyes (and heart) to the possibilities that lay waiting for us as a family. The weight was lifted. When people ask me what we use as a guideline in our family I say: we are a little bit Charlotte Mason, Unschooling, Classical Education, and still evolving. Essentially, I finally understood that there are very few rules (outside of the rules we set for our own home) to being a homeschool family... and that felt great!<br />
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This mentality of freedom is a concept I'm attempting to extend into other areas of my personal life at home. The bondage of "I should be doing more" is something I've lived under for years... and honestly, I continue to fail at. That feeling of failure is just the worst, and as I've ventured into homeschool territory I decided I didn't want to bring that to the table. I'm still evaluating why I often think this way, and while I ponder this way of thinking, I'm working on saying "no thanks."<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6iHC73xGayU/VGEEWhxs5nI/AAAAAAAALCk/cSLrG3rEhCY/s1600/DSC_0128.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6iHC73xGayU/VGEEWhxs5nI/AAAAAAAALCk/cSLrG3rEhCY/s1600/DSC_0128.JPG" height="211" width="320" /></a>As I say "no thanks" in my personal life, I'm pushing this mind-set into raising our little human too. Letting him be a child. This feels like the best gift I can give him right now. Honestly, I'm not homeschooling Lucas so that he can be the best at everything. I'm homeschooling him so he can be the best version of himself and that means he's happy, free, secure, and understands he is deeply loved.<br />
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As we continue this journey of being a family, I'm continually reminded that we are constantly learning how to serve each other. Lucas will continue to learn how to be a human, and as his mother I will continue to evaluate how to teach, shape, and offer life-lessons. No two days look the same, nor should they. As I continue to learn how to educate my child, I too am learning more about myself. It's a great feeling!<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10458619768429963894noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35753463.post-52510945815092801172014-09-08T13:48:00.000-06:002014-09-08T13:48:07.134-06:00Here's to September in Indiana.Oh August! Where have you gone!? <div>
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The past month seems to have just flown by... I blinked and there it went. We are fully immersed in September, and there is a faint waft of Fall in the air. Change was on the horizon and now it's fully descended upon us, whether we like it or not.</div>
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Matt has completed his first full show of the year (Next To Normal), and per usual, he was stretched thin. While accomplishing that, he finished the sound design and editing of a full length documentary (<a href="http://www.hatfieldfilm.com/" target="_blank">The Hatfield Project</a>), out of Portland, Oregon. Needless to say, Matt's last week of August and first week of September were busy! The adjustment in our home has been a deep challenge, and no matter how hard I try and prepare myself for this annual transition, it still slams me down and steps all over my face.</div>
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One of this years I'll finally get the hang of it.</div>
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Lucas and I are full swing into school here at home. It's been nice to have structure in our days again. I find myself REALLY thankful we're home this year for school as we're able to enjoy this season, the weather, and various activities we have around town. Our Little Critter is full of life! He is busy, silly, and a <i>real</i> active learner. Most of our "lessons" come from nature walks, playing games, and moving our bodies! I find myself exhausted at the end of the day from endless talking and ceaseless movement. His wonder for life right now is continually laced with joy, excitement and eagerness. I am always having to remind myself that "it won't always be like this, so enjoy it while it is!"</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">School work with Keith Richards.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">After we finish Math, we go for a walk and have a little fun outdoors.</td></tr>
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I've decided to be busy this Fall, even though it goes against everything in my personal values. For Lucas we have Tap Dance (I know! I'm excited to see how this goes...), Piano Lessons, Homeschool PE, and Soccer. It's no coincindence these are all kinesthetic classes, because IS IT POSSIBLE TO WEAR OUT A FIVE YEAR OLD!? Some days I wonder...</div>
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Matt's activities are work, and then a little bit of work, and just a smidge of work.</div>
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My activities include a couple social groups. It's been my goal to try and plug into Muncie as a community... to find those pockets of people who are really loving this community into the place she's intended to be. In addition, I've recently joined a professional choir here in Muncie. The Masterworks Choral group should be a great place to meet both professional and art-inspired people who enjoy the gift of vocal performance. </div>
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In the Winter, when it's bitter cold out, we're planning our holidays, and eating a lot of carbohydrates, we will scale it all back. Only do one or two activities and really focus on hibernating (I say this jokingly, but really... let's be serious. I'll be hibernating).</div>
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As we prepare for cooler weather, I still continue my yard and garden ventures. It seems I could be in the yard every day, all day... and still have more to do! Thankfully, I enjoy it and find it intensely relaxing. Except, the mowing half an acre with a push mower. That's tough.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kitteh likes to spend time in the backyard too!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img class="GH" height="425" src="https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=1c1ddc0950&view=att&th=147ea1fe227b04e4&attid=0.1.7&disp=emb&zw&atsh=1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="640" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My Rose of Sharon continues to bloom, and as she does so, she adds so much beauty to our back yard.</td></tr>
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<img class="GH" height="425" src="https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=1c1ddc0950&view=att&th=147ea1fe227b04e4&attid=0.1.3&disp=emb&zw&atsh=1" width="640" /></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img class="GH" height="425" src="https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=1c1ddc0950&view=att&th=147ea1fe227b04e4&attid=0.1.10&disp=emb&zw&atsh=1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="640" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This beauty is called a "resurrection lily" and just literally appeared out of nowhere! She's just as fragrant and beautiful as can be!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img class="GH" height="640" src="https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=1c1ddc0950&view=att&th=147ea1fe227b04e4&attid=0.1.12&disp=emb&zw&atsh=1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="640" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">We have had the fortune of having an abundance of hummingbirds this summer!</td></tr>
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So... August is gone and September is here. A lot has happened, and as I mull over my feelings, my heart, and my desires for this school year, I can't help but feel lucky. Each day slips by full of learning, gardening, house work, meals, and home-life. All these hats I wear often feel heavy. In spite of the heaviness, I see how many gifts I have and I cannot deny how fortunate I am for this time in our lives.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10458619768429963894noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35753463.post-24302320682476178182014-08-09T08:12:00.000-06:002014-09-08T10:44:08.572-06:00Last Weekend Of Summer Break<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hCeFfkfnVpE/U-Yp05R1a4I/AAAAAAAAK-E/rTPEGHofcyI/s1600/IMG_8976.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hCeFfkfnVpE/U-Yp05R1a4I/AAAAAAAAK-E/rTPEGHofcyI/s1600/IMG_8976.JPG" height="200" width="200" /></a>This is the last weekend of our summer for the year. Matt starts school next week and from that point forward, every waking moment will be consumed with responsibility for things outside of our home.<br />
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Most of you know how stressful and consuming Matt's job can be, so when I say that I'm seriously grieving the loss of summer, you may understand. Things change, and having experienced this transition for nearly ten years, I know how challenging it will be.<br />
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That being said, it's been a great summer in our new home, new town (Muncie still leaves a lot to be desired) and with new friends. To be honest, it's my nature to think of all the things I wished for and haven't accomplished: camping, kayaking, fishing, hiking, exploring and such; but when I focus on what we gained this past summer, I couldn't be more thankful.<br />
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The past month has been full of naps, snacks, impromptu projects (we almost have the whole interior of our house painted!), sleeping late, thrift shopping (our favorite), eating lots of good foods, hanging with friends, gardening, and long talks of schemes and plans (my favorite!). I feel it's in these times of relaxation when our family is most whole. We don't really need "activities"... we just need togetherness.<br />
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So here we go! On to a new year of making income, creating programs, shaping young adults lives and careers, learning new things and most of all, hanging in there! Every school year is yet another opportunity to learn how to truly be partners and a family unit in the midst of life.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10458619768429963894noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35753463.post-49808232830622028032014-08-04T20:09:00.000-06:002014-08-04T20:09:29.622-06:00Summer Fun... and a Little Bit of HonestyIn spite of all the things (homesickness, sadness, grief and general malaise), this has been a great summer, thus far. We are seriously SO lucky to have such a great yard and home right now!<br />
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It brings me immense joy to see our Little Man climbing the tree, running through the sprinkler and doing laps around the yard, all the while laughing uncontrollably.<br />
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There are days (like yesterday) where I just feel ungrateful, thankless and wanting for more of the lifestyle (or a different lifestyle than we currently have) that I convince myself will supposedly make my life easier/more beautiful/fun... you name it.<br />
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But today, sitting out underneath the tree, drinking my homemade frozen strawberry lemonade (I win at some things), watching our hilariously goofy and happy child... I realize how good things are. So good.<br />
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Honesty? I am very aware of how my emotions change from day to day. I'm always very aware of how fortunate I am for grace...<br />
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Anyway... here are some funny pics of our happy little critter playing in our really big (and awesome) yard!<br />
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Ps. When I have to mow this lawn, I curse at it and sort of don't love it as much. Again, day to day... emotions and grace.<br />
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Sigh...<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10458619768429963894noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35753463.post-69023177468349325922014-07-29T11:31:00.001-06:002014-07-29T11:31:56.376-06:00Season Of SadnessWandering through a season of sadness is confusing. It seems, some have wisdom and insight as to how The Creator is working in their lives in that very moment. The rest of us, when going through emotionally straining times, ask: "What is this purpose!?"<br />
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I introduced <a href="http://tibbslove.blogspot.com/2014/04/blessing-with-big-heart.html" target="_blank">Sharon</a> to you a couple months ago. Small recap: She seemed to have suffered from a fairly major stroke, and a few smaller strokes to follow. Early on, recovery seemed possible.<br />
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Presently, Sharon is suffering her final days with brain tumors.<br />
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Without details (because they just don't matter at this point), my friend Sharon is slipping farther and farther from us; closer and closer to The Lord.<br />
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I've put off this blog post for some time now... because how do you write eloquently, clearly, concisely when you feel deep pain in your heart? So often, our pain comes bubbling up... messy, all over the place and just... badly. There is a vain part of me that wanted to keep it "locked down", because that's just prettier.<br />
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But, now it's time.<br />
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Daily I go and visit my friend, who is currently being cared for by her husband. Every day I see Sharon's body crumbling little by little. Her speech is gone, she is incontinent, one side of her body is limp, she is unable to walk, she cannot feed herself... but when she sees me... she smiles. To see her eyes light up, brings my heart more joy than I can express in words. We hold hands, I kiss her face, massage her shoulders and speak words of assurance that "...though this time of life is hard, there is SO much good ahead of her."<br />
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It's as if that human connection of truly serving another's heart is what matters more than anything in the world.<br />
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My heart aches from loss. How easy it is for us to feel these connections are ours to keep. Rationally, I say: "This beautiful friend of mine... who loved me through a cold and dark winter... Lord, I give her to you... because, she is yours." Emotionally I say: "No... don't take her from me. She is wise, beautiful, and mine... she is mine. She is my friend and I don't want to be without her."<br />
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It is so easy for me to be selfish.<br />
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My heart... it has much to learn and it seems, that even in this blog post, I can identify one point. This connection, it's The Lord's. And I can't hold on to it forever.<br />
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As I wander through this season of sadness, I ask the Lord to bring peace, wisdom and love to everyone affected by Sharon's sudden turn toward eternity. As the Lord is close to her in this time, I pray his peace transcends all understanding (or lack thereof) and fills her heart (and ours!) with joy for what is waiting (eternity with her creator!).<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10458619768429963894noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35753463.post-72673188660419671352014-07-23T06:20:00.000-06:002014-07-23T06:20:03.028-06:00This Morning Is DifferentIt's a fresh morning, here in Muncie. There is something wonderful about getting up early, and today my morning brings thunder, wind, and rain. As I sit here at our kitchen table, I can see our freshly cut lawn, Lucas' adorable tree swing and the leaves blowing the wind. It's as if the bright summer sun took a break and allowed the clouds to roll in... giving all of us a small reprieve from the normal morning bustle.<br />
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These are moments I am thankful for. Often in motherhood, it can feel as if I'm on a carousel. We go round and round with days that are fairly similar in fashion. After too many roundabouts, I start to feel anxious, jittery and uneasy. I begin to hear my inner thoughts saying things like "this is not fulfilling" or "I'm bored, and that means this job I'm doing is not important."<br />
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What!? I know... negative self-talk. Just stop it, right? Right.<br />
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This morning is different and it's confirmation in my heart that even nature needs a break from the mundane. That beautiful summer weather was getting real mundane (listen to me!...I can't believe what I'm saying). And it's true; no matter how beautiful my life is, I need a break sometimes. I listen to the negative, focus on my inadequacies, and somehow convince myself that things should look different.<br />
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Sure, sure, sure... we all need breaks. I can say it, and even believe myself when I say it, but when the hubs tells me to "take a break," I immediately feel guilt and all the feelings that hang out with guilt. That darn guilt! Where does it come from!? Why should I feel anything negative when I am refilling my emotional tank? Sigh...<br />
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As I grow through this motherhood gig, I've learned to push those thoughts out. Ignore them. Deny them. And then, find truth! Finding time and space in my day to fill myself with truth, goodness, energy, and life is the ONE thing I SHOULD do. Meeting with The Creator, taking a nap, stopping to write blessings, eating a popsicle WHILE sitting down, calling my sister... these are all things that fill my heart, and enable me to feel joy and continue the journey of motherhood, wife, woman, sister.... you get the idea.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Loving these two... it's my favorite thing to do.</td></tr>
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The routine must continue, because I've committed my life to serving in love (and I'm grateful for the <br />
opportunity), but thank God for the small (or big) moments that cause us to stop and refill ourselves with goodness. I hope this post encourages someone to stop in their day today and fill their tank a little bit; to feel the rain on their face, watch their favorite episode of Arrested Development, thank God for a few blessings, order the sweetened coffee instead of the black, eat another bowl of berries, go ahead and take that nap, call a longtime friend, go for a jog, do some crafting (and make a mess!), sing your favorite songs, read an extra chapter in your book, or kiss your spouse a little longer when they come home.<br />
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Without the little blessings, the carousel continues and we grow weak; we believe the lie that we're not enough. We miss The Creator's moments to bless and enrich our hearts, and then, we never see the blessings to praise him for; the sweet, tender moments in which we know we are deeply loved.<br />
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<i>"Jesus fill me. The Holy Spirit is our Steady Comforter and our Ready Reminder." </i><br />
<i>Lysa TerKeurst, Am I Messing Up My Kids</i><br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10458619768429963894noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35753463.post-65083703738936596182014-07-21T08:52:00.000-06:002014-07-21T08:52:33.104-06:00Five Years of Life-Changing AdventureI believe there are few things in life that truly change a person. Ultimately, we are all "wired" to be a certain way... and we abide by the same set of beliefs for as long as we exist. That is, until one of these life-changing situations comes into our own life.<div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That chubby, lil' puppy face! Sigh...</td></tr>
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Our life-changing situation was Lucas. Five years ago (on the 16th of July), he eventually came into this world... after a few days of labor, his nine pounds of chubby, adorableness locked eyes with me, and I knew I'd never be the same.</div>
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Lucas celebrated his fifth birthday last week and my heart is both joyous and grieved. This is the perfect description of parenthood for us. This little being of our flesh, our intellect, our spirit... he can both frustrate and bring joy in the same moment. Only a child can do this.</div>
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Lucas has taught (and continues to teach) us about patience, tolerance, flexibility, selflessness, giving, grace, laughter, the simple, the complex, sacrifice, creativity, boundaries, discipline, compassion, emotions, our deep need for a higher power and acknowledgement of The Creator, and a healthy awareness of our own selves.</div>
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These are just a few things that have changed in us. It's not gradual... the learning curve with a child is steep, as we are constantly trying to keep up with our intelligent, inquisitive, creative little creature!</div>
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And, now he's five.</div>
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Good gracious, my heart!</div>
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We celebrated Lucas with a simple day. </div>
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Matt spent the evening of his own birthday (which is the day previous) finishing a tree swing. It's beautiful! Ropes, wooden seat, clips to remove the swing when necessary... the guy thought of everything.</div>
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I made Lucas a cake... from scratch, you guys! I'm proud, because I've never made a white cake at home, that isn't out of a box. You can stop judging me now, because seriously... I didn't know any better! But this cake... it was good. So was that butter cream frosting... I'll never do a box again.</div>
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To finish off the day, we set up the tent and had a "cookout" for dinner. We sat around the campfire, roasted hot dogs, ate watermelon, corn on the cob and had a treat of sodas to go with dinner. After s'mores, Lucas went to bed in the tent while looking at lightening bugs and the stars. It was such a fun evening!</div>
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Five years ago, this little boy changed our lives. We know we wouldn't be the people we are today if it weren't for this special little heart that chose to be in our lives. Every year we are increasingly more thankful for his spirit, and we know without a doubt, he'll continue to push us, encourage us, and change into better people. There is truly nothing... NOTHING that changes you like a child and we couldn't be more thankful for our little life-changing man. </div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10458619768429963894noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35753463.post-15219274014453508942014-07-03T09:30:00.001-06:002014-07-03T09:30:28.310-06:00This Kid<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This kid:</div>
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<li>Will be five years old in two weeks! Sigh...</li>
<li>Loves superheroes</li>
<li>Eats yogurt like it's going out of style</li>
<li>Racing and general competition is everything. "Mom, I beat you!" is a statement that happens at least five times a day.</li>
<li>Desperately loves his family</li>
<li>Asks for candy on the regular</li>
<li>Plays with his Lego collection nonstop... prefers to build vehicles that have some type of warfare included.</li>
<li>Wants to be a "good boy" and shows deep concern when he is under the impression he's somehow failed. This grieves Matt and I, though we are glad he's intuitively listening to his heart.</li>
<li>Hide-and-seek... all the time</li>
<li>Loves Katy Perry, Mumford, Veggie Tales, and "rock and roll!!"</li>
<li>Calls Rascal Flatts "girl music"</li>
<li>Could play at the playground all day, if allowed.</li>
<li>Makes friends everywhere</li>
<li>Falls down, gets up, continues running. If bleeding profusely, he will deny it in an effort to continue play.</li>
<li>Blanket/couch forts are the preferred hide-out</li>
<li>Still collects rocks/sticks/random outdoor things and asks to bring them in</li>
<li>Helps with dishes, laundry and picking up</li>
<li>Loves having his picture taken</li>
<li>Surprises are the best form of entertainment... hiding, jumping out and yelling "surprise!"</li>
<li>Reading. Constantly. Lucas' love of written word is just joyous for Matt and I.</li>
<li>Upon seeing babies or a baby animal his reply is always: "Cuuuuuuute!"</li>
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Love this little critter!</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10458619768429963894noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35753463.post-7632731227885513462014-05-29T13:25:00.000-06:002014-05-29T13:25:32.078-06:00Memorial Day Weekend in OhioLucas and I had a great time with "family" in Ohio this past weekend. My sister's husband, Eric... his family lives nearby, which enabled Lucas and I to have an enjoyable Memorial Day weekend of relaxation, play, sunshine and friendship.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lucas and Audrina were in the water all weekend long.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">They did take a few breaks to "Jeep" around the yard.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Boating with Pops and Liam... Grams helped load in the Critters. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Trailer rides may have been the highlight of the weekend.</td></tr>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10458619768429963894noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35753463.post-82847555245765727282014-05-29T13:01:00.000-06:002014-05-29T13:01:39.738-06:00Preschool Was Great!<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BByT3BKQm-E/U4d_XntURwI/AAAAAAAAKoY/Wa-TxYGPKqo/s1600/IMG_8346.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BByT3BKQm-E/U4d_XntURwI/AAAAAAAAKoY/Wa-TxYGPKqo/s1600/IMG_8346.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a>Last week was Lucas' last days of preschool. It was a great experience for all of us, him especially. If given a second chance, I would have changed a few things... but overall, our little man benefited greatly from a few hours a day outside of the home (so did mama!).<br />
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It's cliche' but I just can't believe how much growth and maturing happens every year... it seems just a few months ago our little guy was still having tantrums, sleeping hours a day, and barely writing his name. Now we have a little reader on our hands who loves friendship and listens carefully to his elders.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fLVnEam_wAg/U4d_yhWHHeI/AAAAAAAAKow/p2hC___BiLY/s1600/IMG_8348.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fLVnEam_wAg/U4d_yhWHHeI/AAAAAAAAKow/p2hC___BiLY/s1600/IMG_8348.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a>School was beneficial for Matt and I, as it allowed us to see where Lucas was both emotionally and cognitively throughout the year. It gave us a glance at how he handles stress and social challenges. Granted, our little guy will continue to grow and change... constantly keeping us on our toes... but we have a better idea of who he is through circumstance and challenge.<br />
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If it were not for Lucas' teacher, I don't think this year would have been such a success. She paid special attention to each child, and it seemed nearly every day she would give me an update. Mrs. Candace was a gift, for sure... as she kindly and patiently discussed ways we could help Lucas over hurdles and give him a boost in character.<br />
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Matt and I are still exploring what it means to educate our child. As a family, we go the extra mile to ensure all of our values are being met. With that in mind, we want to be sure Lucas is being challenged, respected and being allowed to explore childhood in the best manner possible. Preschool was an excellent springboard into years of understanding what it means to learn.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lucas friends!</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Singing songs for family and friends. Exept Merit... he's just bugging his neighbor.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lucas receiving his certificate of completion from Mrs. Candace and Miss Allysa (See that little girl in the blue... she's crazy. Can't trust that one!).</td></tr>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10458619768429963894noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35753463.post-14907527654365387582014-04-22T13:29:00.000-06:002014-04-22T13:29:55.369-06:00Spring!Today is Earth Day, and I've gotta tell ya... It's a beautiful Earth Day here in Indiana! Spirits are high, the sun is shining, the birds are singing and the grass couldn't be greener.<br />
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Spring is a wonderful time of year. It has lifted my heart to a place of hope, and for this I couldn't be more grateful.<br />
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I had to get out and take a few pics this afternoon... because I just can't forget how sweet Spring is... the dainty flowers, the fresh dirt, the blue skies, the white toes and the dandelions! Oh the dandelions. They're everywhere.... and they're darling! Even if some people consider them a nuisance...<br />
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Thank God for Spring!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I just LOVE taking pictures of the kiddo's toes. Aren't they adorable!?</td></tr>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10458619768429963894noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35753463.post-78176747844490401072014-04-09T12:49:00.000-06:002014-04-09T12:49:20.215-06:00Aggression, Messes and Yelling!I gotta tell you guys... raising this boy of ours is a challenge! Every day feels like a fight to teach gentleness, manners, kindness, empathy, cleanliness, tidiness, respect, obedience and general social skills. On some level, I've always thought children inherited most of these life-lessons from their parents... gleaning attributes into their own lives as they live among their elders.<br />
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I cannot say this is true at this time in our lives.<br />
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Every day feels like dirt, loudness, defiance, rough housing, running, stomping, sassy talk, disrespect, disobedience, undoing everything, making messes, eating a lot, eating loudly, refusing food, demanding food, whining, chasing the cat, getting muddy, changing clothes, getting muddy again...<br />
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This boy will find a stick anywhere... it could be a parking lot, and he'll find it. Any object can be a sword and will be used as a weapon while running and jumping, nearly impaling himself, or another. I've found my child lodged underneath, beside and between things. He has hit his head on nearly everything. Smashed fingers, stubbed toes and slammed all appendages on all things.<br />
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There are many plans made. Plans for rockets ships, tree houses, forts, underground tunnels, digging lakes, adopting puppies, adopting kittens, collecting worms, feeding the birds, collecting the "worlds largest rock collection", finding dinosaurs, staying up all night, eating all the pizza, jumping the highest, running the fastest, being the sneakiest, and riding "all the animals!"<br />
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*Deep breath*<br />
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I end my days often sitting on the couch... with a cup of tea and blissful silence. After a day full of conversation, conflict, and compromise... I find myself empty. Hoping to fill my emotional tank just enough to start all over again the next day, I sit and mentally review the events... remembering the tough moments... but also remembering the sweetness.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IkbWEpRsJUA/U0WTCBzQM0I/AAAAAAAAKlg/zF_fXUt5Z_U/s1600/photo.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IkbWEpRsJUA/U0WTCBzQM0I/AAAAAAAAKlg/zF_fXUt5Z_U/s1600/photo.JPG" height="320" width="320" /></a>Our boy is full of sweet. His morning greeting when he says: "Good morning mom. I love you and it's time to get up." The joy on his face when I place peanut butter and apples in front of him at the table. His giggles when we play hide and seek. The deep desire he has to be just like his Dad! I see sweetness between the hard moments... and though I often feel like our boy is too much "all aggression and messes and yelling!" I have glimpses of what his heart will always be like.<br />
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It will always be loving. Lucas will always have a heart that wants to serve others. He will always want to impress his father. Our boy's heart will always love his mother and always want to see her happy. That heart of his will always want to be adventurous and a physical challenge to make him feel like the brave soul he is!<br />
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This is the greatest challenge I've yet to come up against... this child of ours. He is opinions, and defiance and hard-headed... but the sweet, loving heart pulls me back in every time. Some days I wonder "what am I doing!?" because I am not equipped to raise this boy! But that heart... it slays me, and makes me want to try harder each day following.<br />
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Maybe, just maybe... this boy will be okay. As far as his mother goes... all bets are still out.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10458619768429963894noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35753463.post-47615178757334567122014-04-07T18:59:00.001-06:002014-04-07T18:59:07.775-06:00Blessing With A Big HeartEvery day I count my blessings. Well... maybe not count them, per say... but I'm aware of them and every day I notice new blessings I failed to recognize the day before.<br />
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Early Winter, I was given a gift in the form of a friend who happened to live next door! Sharon is a strong, independent, seventy year old woman and we first met while shoveling snow. About two feet of snow, to be exact. She genuinely came to my driveway, took off her glove (because she's a lady with manners!) and shook my hand while introducing herself. We exchanged pleasantries and after she walked away, I felt a pull or a tug, or a nudge, or something in my heart saying: "Invite her over!"<br />
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I did. I spoke up, saying: "Sharon!" As she turned around... I said, "Would you like to come over for coffee one day next week? I have very few friends here in Muncie, and you're very kind, and you live next door!"<br />
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She chuckled and agreed. I was excited.<br />
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Her first visit felt natural... like we'd known each other for years. She brought me a "housewarming" gift, and I made scones. We talked for hours and as she readied herself to leave, we hugged... both thankful to have a friend in such close proximity with so many kindred qualities. How is it possible a woman of immense grace, wisdom and kindness could have such a spark with me!?<br />
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Sharon's visits have been a weekly occurrence since January, and I have to say, it's been an immense blessing. Sharon has listened to my heart, offered advice, loved on my kiddo, brought food over, helped me paint my house, met both my mother and mother-in-law, shared her story with me (my favorite!) and made me feel valued in her own life. It's amazing how much of a difference one person can make in the life of another, and Sharon has done exactly that for me.<br />
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Sharon is a blessing with a big heart.<br />
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This past week, Sharon suffered from a stroke and though she is at home now, the injury has taken parts of herself that allow her to love others in her special way... like her speech. My heart felt the blow and my breath caught in my throat as her kind husband told me what happened over the phone, because... well... it just sucks. I felt shocked and painfully aware of how much I care for my friend.<br />
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Sharon is a woman of great strength and dignity... sharing her gifts and talents in this community. She has served those who are unwell and loved on those who need love. She is an immense gift to all of us, and when we grow to love a person like Sharon, we too feel her pain in our own hearts. I feel her loss. I also feel the hope of recovery, but right now... I feel the loss.<br />
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As we learn more about what has happened to Sharon's body and mind, I can only hope we can serve her just as well as she has served us. To give her the feeling of being loved and valued... treasured. To remind her that she is special, not for all the things she has done <i>for</i> us... but because her spirit is unique, loving and tender. As Sharon copes with and learns to recover from her injury, I hope to remind her that she has been one of my biggest blessings in my own life and will continue to be so. She is my blessing with a big heart.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10458619768429963894noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35753463.post-82297187811911046702014-03-27T14:12:00.000-06:002014-03-27T14:12:06.729-06:00Difference In A Day: What I Do When I Start To Feel Low<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Today is grey and cold. I feel that way a little bit inside too... like, inside my heart or my spirit... or wherever we <i>feel</i> our feelings. I feel kind of blah today.<br />
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This week has been a little low for me, to be honest... and when I feel low, I just want to sit around and do nothing. So instead of doing nothing, I've tried to stay busy with this and that. Here are a few ways I keep myself from diving deeper down:<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3E45N0504XU/UzSCC3r1vSI/AAAAAAAAKkc/Z0phJBF9fz8/s1600/Sunflower+Sunset.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3E45N0504XU/UzSCC3r1vSI/AAAAAAAAKkc/Z0phJBF9fz8/s1600/Sunflower+Sunset.jpg" height="320" width="212" /></a>
<li>Craft time. Pull out paper, glue, scissors, doo-dads (I had buttons), sparkles and go for it! Be creative, have very few boundaries and see what happens. I made a few cards and Lucas created the cutest little crocodile I've ever seen!</li>
<li>Cooking. I've severely cut our grocery budget this past month (because yikes!), which has resulted in creatively making meals and snacks with pantry items I already have. My favorite is to make baked goods using substitutions like peanut butter, bananas and non-dairy nut beverages. It's fun, and there are always delicious treats as a result!</li>
<li>Writing. I've written a blog post on disappointment, but have yet to post it online. Still in the works.... Writing is a great way to clear my heart and head. Often I keep the writing private, because if we can't be fully honest in our thoughts, then it's not helpful to our hearts. </li>
<li>Nutrition. When I'm feeling low I can often see patterns that have led up to a bad day. Too much sugar, inconsistent meals, lots of caffeine, and not enough wholesome foods. In addition to cleaning up my food habits, I tend to add things like lemon water, turmeric tea and smoothies to my diet. Usually within a couple days, I feel better... mostly.</li>
<li>Naps. For some... naps are not a good pattern to get into when suffering from depression. This can lead to avoidance, withdrawn behavior patterns and apathy... resulting in more depression. For me... a nap can help jump-start my late afternoon and evenings. As a mother and wife, I often feel weary and worn down. The day in and day out of constantly serving can lead to emotional and mental weariness. A nap can feel like a break for my brain and body in what often feels like a long day.</li>
<li>Movies or series. I'm not gonna lie... on days when Lucas lays down for his own nap, I get excited to turn on the tv and watch whatever interests me that day. Sometimes it's a documentary, and other times it's something frivolous and silly. Whether it's a good laugh or a good cry, it's a distraction from my internal dialogue, responsibilities and again, what feels like a day of serving others non-stop.</li>
<li>Something physical I can do indoors. I typically choose yoga, but sometimes prefer pilates, a game of hide and seek with the kiddo or just a tickle fight. Whatever gets the blood moving, always helps.</li>
<li>Reading. Lately, reading has been a little bit more challenging. Not sure why... but my focus hasn't been what it usually is. That being said, reading can be a great little escape when you have a few minutes here and there.</li>
<li>Reading something inspirational. For me, it's usually something spiritual, but we all find inspiration in different ways and whatever makes us feel like we've got the umph! to put another foot in front of ourselves, do it.</li>
<li>Looking at funny things on the internet. I'm not gonna lie, you guys... sometimes I go on Pinterest and look only at the "humor" section. Because some days... that's what it takes. Plus... you can always send the pins to your friends and then you have someone to laugh with! Laughter increases special hormones in your brain, and then... you feel just a little bit better.</li>
<li>Talking to friends. When I feel crappy, I email my bestie and text my sis. Always cheers me up. In addition, I try and FaceTime, Gmail Chat and be in touch with people who are both encouraging and honest. The temptation to withdraw and stay private has to be resisted, especially when a good chuckle or a sweet story from a trusted friend can make all the difference in a day.</li>
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Everyone has things they like to do, but depression can distract us from holding on to our "hobbies." Often, I just sit and dwell in my thoughts, which is super unhealthy for me. My internal dialogue isn't always in a good place and I find myself feeling convinced of things that are severely untrue (feelings of worthlessness...etc.). Staying busy can really help get us through the "dark times" and though we should remain self-aware, making efforts to do the things we enjoy can make a huge difference in a day.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10458619768429963894noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35753463.post-88732927577750066402014-03-23T13:56:00.001-06:002014-03-23T13:56:59.360-06:00Blessing In Spring<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xeDZ8Jz9yAA/Uy8zuOWXTkI/AAAAAAAAKjg/70UsATIhzKI/s1600/Spring.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xeDZ8Jz9yAA/Uy8zuOWXTkI/AAAAAAAAKjg/70UsATIhzKI/s1600/Spring.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xeDZ8Jz9yAA/Uy8zuOWXTkI/AAAAAAAAKjg/70UsATIhzKI/s1600/Spring.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xeDZ8Jz9yAA/Uy8zuOWXTkI/AAAAAAAAKjg/70UsATIhzKI/s1600/Spring.jpg" /></a>It's Sunday afternoon and as big chunky snowflakes fall I find myself internally rolling my eyes and thinking: "Not again... when is it ever going to end!?" Winter... it's lasting forever this year. This Winter, or so I've been told, has been unusually frigid, dark, snow-packed and long. It's been one helluva Winter!<br />
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As I sit huddled in front of this space heater, in an effort to warm my toes, I can't help but compare this winter to my heart after our last move to Muncie. Moving is so hard, you guys. And this... from a gal who has moved... let's see... um, eight times since I was young (moving when you're young counts, because it changes you). That's a few times and at this point you'd think I'd be good at this relocation business. Well, lemme tell you... I'm not. In fact, I think it's harder every time!<br />
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Moving can leave a person feeling depressed. In fact, if someone tells me they have moved (to a new state/country) and they don't feel sad, lonely or low... I figure they're either incredibly unselfaware (this is not a word, I know), or lying. There is no way the human heart can go from a place of attachment and familiarity to aloneness and not feel something in their heart. No way!<br />
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Depression can feel like Winter... cold, isolating, lacking in color, lonely and trapped. It can leave you feeling like: "What's the point? Why do I even keep at it? Will Spring EVER show?"<br />
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Indeed. Spring is always around the corner. And without Winter... there is never a Spring. Truth.<br />
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See, there is always hope in the relief and warmth of fresh days, and it is just beyond the horizon. This HAS to end at some point. It can't last forever. It just can't....<br />
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As I hold on to the hope of Spring, I can now pull the shades and see the meaning of Winter/Depression. It is not just a cold, bleak time... but a time to hunker down and observe what has importance in life; real importance. When we are in a season of darkness, it is an opportunity to look toward our Creator and the promise to us of better times. We look to the Creator when we are unsure where we fit, or what purpose we serve. The Creator offers us meaning, love, and identity at the core.<br />
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Only the Creator can offer this identity. Not our friends, our families, our church, our jobs, our hobbies, our sports, our gardens, our children, our pets... nothing, but God. Sure, these things can add to our identities, but they do not define it. They do not create our core. God created our core from the moment we were birthed... our core was filled with meaning, love and identity... and that is something that is often lost when we are filled with attachment and familiarity to the World. We allow ourselves to be distracted by things that hold little importance compared to the love of our Creator. Taking these things away though relocation is an opportunity to find our core again. To find the love again.<br />
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Now, don't get me wrong. If you are in a time of attachment and familiarity, and this is where God has placed you... live it up! Those of us weathering a Winter are envious of the warmth, encouragement and fullness you experience during this time of your life, because it's great! The Lord bless you in this time!<br />
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For those of us barely making it through the rough patch, Spring can only come when we've weathered a Winter. Some of us have harder Winters than others, but find blessing in that too. We must have hope that our God is great and he will see us through with his love. This is a time in which I find my core and let it bathe in the warmth of Spring. A time of blossom and enrichment. It's going to be a beautiful and loving Spring!<br />
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<i><span style="color: #741b47;">Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven; Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted; Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the Earth; Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled; Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy; Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God; Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the children of God; Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you, for great is your reward in Heaven for in the same way they persecuted the prophets before you. - Matthew 5:3</span></i><br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10458619768429963894noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35753463.post-62488804715262874202014-03-21T19:07:00.000-06:002014-03-21T19:07:44.637-06:00Life WithinAs all family situations would be, when one person is struggling... everyone struggles. Especially the kiddos. Children are flawless examples of the ripple effect. Their seemingly "normal" behaviors can be examples of hurt, loneliness, misunderstanding, and basic internalization of emotion. Children have a narcissistic view of the world, therefore believing everything is about them... including their parent's feelings.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NU6a81Kk4MA/UyzeOlacfwI/AAAAAAAAKjA/2_kZ-Q3Yxag/s1600/DSC_0352.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NU6a81Kk4MA/UyzeOlacfwI/AAAAAAAAKjA/2_kZ-Q3Yxag/s1600/DSC_0352.JPG" height="212" width="320" /></a>As I have been navigating all my feelings and emotions this Winter, I can't help but be sensitive and aware of Lucas' heart. This boy feels hard and deep! I love him for it... but also find myself nervous that somewhere I'm failing. Don't we all feel this way!? Help! Someone tell me how to raise this child... someone!<br />
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Sigh....<br />
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On the flip side, there is SO MUCH to be thankful for in this child of ours. He is beautiful. Seriously you guys... we have a beautiful child, inside and out! He's handsome with his big brown eyes, smooth skin and thick dishwater-colored hair. So handsome, that one.<br />
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His heart... where do I start?!... it's big, open, sensitive and intuitive. Lucas' heart is full of wild wonder; constantly seeking answers and approval. This child... he wants to be a part of all things big and wonderful. He wants to be seen and understood. I don't think this desire will change within him. He will always fight to be understood.<br />
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Lucas is full of life! He runs and jumps and hurdles and rolls with all his might. He finds sticks, rocks, bugs, dirt, mud and water... and will be fully engrossed for all of time, if allowed. He loves critters and just wants to play! Lucas has a light behind those big brown eyes... it's full of smiles, laughter, loud talking, belching... that light is life!<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mEPdEpzidwU/Uyzehu9XrKI/AAAAAAAAKjI/9knSlLgE06E/s1600/DSC_0357.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; display: inline !important; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mEPdEpzidwU/Uyzehu9XrKI/AAAAAAAAKjI/9knSlLgE06E/s1600/DSC_0357.JPG" height="212" width="320" /></a>I love these things and more in our son. He is truly special to us... like no other boy I've known. He's uniquely made.<br />
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So often we don't talk about parenting while in the midst of depression or emotional lows. How does a parent care for a beautifully full child, when they themselves feel as if their tank is empty? Often I feel this way... and I have no advice. These are moments when I turn to prayer, devotion toward something that fills me (poetry or scripture), and a form of physical activity that leaves me feeling rejuvenated. Also, counseling. Parenting without solid, safe advice seems impossible. I couldn't do it.<br />
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Being aware of our own feelings allows us to be intuitive to our children's feelings. When we see our kids' hearts, we see them for what they need and who they are... at the core. I see my child's beauty, light, and life within!<br />
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<i><span style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #001320; font-family: Trebuchet, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; text-align: justify;">I will praise thee; for I am fearfully </span><span style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #001320; font-family: Trebuchet, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; text-align: justify;">and</span><span style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #001320; font-family: Trebuchet, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; text-align: justify;"> wonderfully made: marvelous </span><span style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #001320; font-family: Trebuchet, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; text-align: justify;">are </span><span style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #001320; font-family: Trebuchet, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; text-align: justify;">thy works; and </span><span style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #001320; font-family: Trebuchet, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; text-align: justify;">that</span><span style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #001320; font-family: Trebuchet, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; text-align: justify;"> my soul knoweth right well. - Psalm 139:14</span></i><br />
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<i><span style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #001320; font-family: Trebuchet, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; text-align: justify;"><br /></span></i>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10458619768429963894noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35753463.post-57478072379157065022014-03-18T18:41:00.001-06:002014-03-18T18:41:11.839-06:00VulnerabilityThere really isn't anything quite like confessing your heart and in return being encouraged by SO MANY people... it's humbling, really. There has been both and prideful and insecure part of myself that knew all along... all I had to do was ask for support, prayer, a phone call, a care package... and it would be there. But, we live in this world where we're afraid to be vulnerable.<br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Definition of Vulnerability: Easily hurt or harmed physically, mentally, or emotionally.</span></b><br />
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No one really wants to put their feelings out there, if they fear a negative reaction to their vulnerability. Often, people see confession or honesty as a moment of weakness, but right now... it's the strongest I've felt in months. I feel the strength to overcome insecurity and preconceived notions about "feeling low" or "low grade depression." I am strong enough to not care whether or not people see me as a victim or an over comer... because right now it's about being well.<br />
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It would be kind of great if we could be MORE HONEST about our feelings. You know why? Because we all deal with this stuff. These grey days that won't lift. The feelings of numbness. The thoughts that make us feel crowded and heavy. There is no weakness, because we all deal with this darkness on one level, or another. Some of us are carrying heavy burdens and others carry lighter ones... but we all carry it.<br />
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Let's talk about it more. I'm gonna talk about it....<br />
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<i><b>"Scare the World: Be exactly who you say you are and tell the truth." -Iaian Thomas, I Wrote This For You</b></i><br />
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<i><b>"No legacy is so rich as honesty." -William Shakespeare</b></i><br />
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<i><br /></i>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10458619768429963894noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35753463.post-78358039798819082862014-03-17T12:50:00.001-06:002014-03-17T12:50:13.024-06:00Better DaysIt's embarrassing how long of a gap has gone between my last post and this one. The pressure to keep up a blog can be heavy... especially for a person like myself: perfectionist, type-A, consistent and slightly concerned about what others think. At the end of the day, I know I should blog... talk about life... keep in touch... post beautiful photos of my beautiful child and family and share our life with the people who love us.<br />
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But when you're depressed, all priorities change.*<br />
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Yes. I've been depressed. Some days it's "feeling low" and other days it's "just me getting out of bed is an accomplishment" kind of day. Thankfully, I've been able to maintain the status quo and shower and get my kid to school and make meals and keep the house tidy... but at the heart of things, I've felt empty, low, sad, bored and just unhappy.<br />
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This is a really hard way to live life, and it's not really working out. I think I've come to terms with that. Living day to day and recognizing things are not getting better.<br />
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I guess this isn't so much of a confession as it is a plea for support, love, and understanding. I know I'm not the only person who felt deep sadness in this helluva winter we had (because good Lord, Indiana!) and I know there are reasons I feel low (isolation, loneliness, homesickness...). But sometimes knowing why still doesn't do the trick. Snapping out of it just isn't the answer.<br />
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I'm on the track toward better days and I really hope I can use this blog as a way to be honest about life for myself and my family. Because, there have been SO MANY GOOD THINGS going on! I don't want my inability to process my feelings to get in the way of sharing good things.<br />
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Here's to being honest. And here's to reaching out.<br />
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*If you're feeling depressed, please seek help. Whether it's with a friend, a pastor or a counselor... please find someone to talk to. It will make a HUGE difference. If you're having feelings that include hurting yourself or taking your own life, please call this number immediately: <span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 18.719999313354492px;">1-800-273-8255</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10458619768429963894noreply@blogger.com7