Do The Work and Find A Therapist

Photo: Yumi Kim

January is by far my least favorite month of the year. Some would think it's great... starting over, fresh beginnings, and nothing to plan for. For me, it's bleak.

This particular January has been a rough one. I've come to accept the fact that I cannot manage my depression on my own. It's a day to day basis, and frankly I've had more bad days than good ones the past six weeks... or the past year... or maybe my entire life? It's all in question right now.

Christmas was beautiful... my parents came to Muncie, and we celebrated in such meaningful ways. Togetherness is something that always touches my heart, and having them here for a couple weeks was an incredible gift!

In spite of the festivities, I still had this cloud of grey over my heart. It seems, I cannot remember a time when I was genuinely happy, or light-hearted. It seems everything is weighted or heavy-laden... tainted with some kind of sadness. I am unable to truly be free. At times, I've felt this happiness people speak of, but just as I seem to get a grip, it is lost again.

I am unsure why I'm sharing this.

This morning I did the easy thing... I lost it on my husband. Just ugly crying, slinging judgement, accusations, resentment, blame... all of the ugly came pouring out. Everything I've fought years to learn to control came tumbling out. There was no hiding everything that has been my heart. I caught a glimpse of myself and was immediately ashamed of how far I've let myself go. How far I've slid from the woman I know I really am.

This is where guilt, shame and embarassment reside. We're all very familiar with one another... they and I.  

After Matt left for work, I did my own work and found a therapist. The sense of relief was slight, but it was there. 

Right now the tears are partially for my brokeness, but mostly for grace. I've felt lost, but truly in my heart I know I am never lost. I am known, loved and wanted. I know this, but I don't feel it. I don't know why, but I'm rewarded with an incredibly patient husband, and friendships with whom I can be honest.

I look at others and often wonder: How are they so free?

Monday will be a step in the right direction... a step toward healing. Not just temporary healing, but life-changing, mending the broken pieces, becoming whole again, healing...freedom. 

  

Last Weekend Of Summer Break

This is the last weekend of our summer for the year. Matt starts school next week and from that point forward, every waking moment will be consumed with responsibility for things outside of our home.

Most of you know how stressful and consuming Matt's job can be, so when I say that I'm seriously grieving the loss of summer, you may understand. Things change, and having experienced this transition for nearly ten years, I know how challenging it will be.

That being said, it's been a great summer in our new home, new town (Muncie still leaves a lot to be desired) and with new friends. To be honest, it's my nature to think of all the things I wished for and haven't accomplished: camping, kayaking, fishing, hiking, exploring and such; but when I focus on what we gained this past summer, I couldn't be more thankful.

The past month has been full of naps, snacks, impromptu projects (we almost have the whole interior of our house painted!), sleeping late, thrift shopping (our favorite), eating lots of good foods, hanging with friends, gardening, and long talks of schemes and plans (my favorite!). I feel it's in these times of relaxation when our family is most whole. We don't really need "activities"... we just need togetherness.

So here we go! On to a new year of making income, creating programs, shaping young adults lives and careers, learning new things and most of all, hanging in there! Every school year is yet another opportunity to learn how to truly be partners and a family unit in the midst of life.

Aggression, Messes and Yelling!

I gotta tell you guys... raising this boy of ours is a challenge! Every day feels like a fight to teach gentleness, manners, kindness, empathy, cleanliness, tidiness, respect, obedience and general social skills. On some level, I've always thought children inherited most of these life-lessons from their parents... gleaning attributes into their own lives as they live among their elders.

I cannot say this is true at this time in our lives.

Every day feels like dirt, loudness, defiance, rough housing, running, stomping, sassy talk, disrespect, disobedience, undoing everything, making messes, eating a lot, eating loudly, refusing food, demanding food, whining, chasing the cat, getting muddy, changing clothes, getting muddy again...

This boy will find a stick anywhere... it could be a parking lot, and he'll find it. Any object can be a sword and will be used as a weapon while running and jumping, nearly impaling himself, or another. I've found my child lodged underneath, beside and between things. He has hit his head on nearly everything. Smashed fingers, stubbed toes and slammed all appendages on all things.

There are many plans made. Plans for rockets ships, tree houses, forts, underground tunnels, digging lakes, adopting puppies, adopting kittens, collecting worms, feeding the birds, collecting the "worlds largest rock collection", finding dinosaurs, staying up all night, eating all the pizza, jumping the highest, running the fastest, being the sneakiest, and riding "all the animals!"

*Deep breath*

I end my days often sitting on the couch... with a cup of tea and blissful silence. After a day full of conversation, conflict, and compromise... I find myself empty. Hoping to fill my emotional tank just enough to start all over again the next day, I sit and mentally review the events... remembering the tough moments... but also remembering the sweetness.

Our boy is full of sweet. His morning greeting when he says: "Good morning mom. I love you and it's time to get up." The joy on his face when I place peanut butter and apples in front of him at the table. His giggles when we play hide and seek. The deep desire he has to be just like his Dad! I see sweetness between the hard moments... and though I often feel like our boy is too much "all aggression and messes and yelling!" I have glimpses of what his heart will always be like.

It will always be loving. Lucas will always have a heart that wants to serve others. He will always want to impress his father. Our boy's heart will always love his mother and always want to see her happy. That heart of his will always want to be adventurous and a physical challenge to make him feel like the brave soul he is!

This is the greatest challenge I've yet to come up against... this child of ours. He is opinions, and defiance and hard-headed... but the sweet, loving heart pulls me back in every time. Some days I wonder "what am I doing!?" because I am not equipped to raise this boy! But that heart... it slays me, and makes me want to try harder each day following.

Maybe, just maybe... this boy will be okay. As far as his mother goes... all bets are still out.

Difference In A Day: What I Do When I Start To Feel Low

Today is grey and cold. I feel that way a little bit inside too... like, inside my heart or my spirit... or wherever we feel our feelings. I feel kind of blah today.

This week has been a little low for me, to be honest... and when I feel low, I just want to sit around and do nothing. So instead of doing nothing, I've tried to stay busy with this and that. Here are a few ways I keep myself from diving deeper down:

• Craft time. Pull out paper, glue, scissors, doo-dads (I had buttons), sparkles and go for it! Be creative, have very few boundaries and see what happens. I made a few cards and Lucas created the cutest little crocodile I've ever seen!
• Cooking. I've severely cut our grocery budget this past month (because yikes!), which has resulted in creatively making meals and snacks with pantry items I already have. My favorite is to make baked goods using substitutions like peanut butter, bananas and non-dairy nut beverages. It's fun, and there are always delicious treats as a result!
• Writing. I've written a blog post on disappointment, but have yet to post it online. Still in the works.... Writing is a great way to clear my heart and head. Often I keep the writing private, because if we can't be fully honest in our thoughts, then it's not helpful to our hearts. 
• Nutrition. When I'm feeling low I can often see patterns that have led up to a bad day. Too much sugar, inconsistent meals, lots of caffeine, and not enough wholesome foods. In addition to cleaning up my food habits, I tend to add things like lemon water, turmeric tea and smoothies to my diet. Usually within a couple days, I feel better... mostly.
• Naps. For some... naps are not a good pattern to get into when suffering from depression. This can lead to avoidance, withdrawn behavior patterns and apathy... resulting in more depression. For me... a nap can help jump-start my late afternoon and evenings. As a mother and wife, I often feel weary and worn down. The day in and day out of constantly serving can lead to emotional and mental weariness. A nap can feel like a break for my brain and body in what often feels like a long day.
• Movies or series. I'm not gonna lie... on days when Lucas lays down for his own nap, I get excited to turn on the tv and watch whatever interests me that day. Sometimes it's a documentary, and other times it's something frivolous and silly. Whether it's a good laugh or a good cry, it's a distraction from my internal dialogue, responsibilities and again, what feels like a day of serving others non-stop.
• Something physical I can do indoors. I typically choose yoga, but sometimes prefer pilates, a game of hide and seek with the kiddo or just a tickle fight. Whatever gets the blood moving, always helps.
• Reading. Lately, reading has been a little bit more challenging. Not sure why... but my focus hasn't been what it usually is. That being said, reading can be a great little escape when you have a few minutes here and there.
• Reading something inspirational. For me, it's usually something spiritual, but we all find inspiration in different ways and whatever makes us feel like we've got the umph! to put another foot in front of ourselves, do it.
• Looking at funny things on the internet. I'm not gonna lie, you guys... sometimes I go on Pinterest and look only at the "humor" section. Because some days... that's what it takes. Plus... you can always send the pins to your friends and then you have someone to laugh with! Laughter increases special hormones in your brain, and then... you feel just a little bit better.
• Talking to friends. When I feel crappy, I email my bestie and text my sis. Always cheers me up. In addition, I try and FaceTime, Gmail Chat and be in touch with people who are both encouraging and honest. The temptation to withdraw and stay private has to be resisted, especially when a good chuckle or a sweet story from a trusted friend can make all the difference in a day.

Everyone has things they like to do, but depression can distract us from holding on to our "hobbies." Often, I just sit and dwell in my thoughts, which is super unhealthy for me. My internal dialogue isn't always in a good place and I find myself feeling convinced of things that are severely untrue (feelings of worthlessness...etc.). Staying busy can really help get us through the "dark times" and though we should remain self-aware, making efforts to do the things we enjoy can make a huge difference in a day.

Life Within

As all family situations would be, when one person is struggling... everyone struggles. Especially the kiddos. Children are flawless examples of the ripple effect. Their seemingly "normal" behaviors can be examples of hurt, loneliness, misunderstanding, and basic internalization of emotion. Children have a narcissistic view of the world, therefore believing everything is about them... including their parent's feelings.

As I have been navigating all my feelings and emotions this Winter, I can't help but be sensitive and aware of Lucas' heart. This boy feels hard and deep! I love him for it... but also find myself nervous that somewhere I'm failing. Don't we all feel this way!? Help! Someone tell me how to raise this child... someone!

Sigh....

On the flip side, there is SO MUCH to be thankful for in this child of ours. He is beautiful. Seriously you guys... we have a beautiful child, inside and out! He's handsome with his big brown eyes, smooth skin and thick dishwater-colored hair. So handsome, that one.

His heart... where do I start?!... it's big, open, sensitive and intuitive. Lucas' heart is full of wild wonder; constantly seeking answers and approval. This child... he wants to be a part of all things big and wonderful. He wants to be seen and understood. I don't think this desire will change within him. He will always fight to be understood.

Lucas is full of life! He runs and jumps and hurdles and rolls with all his might. He finds sticks, rocks, bugs, dirt, mud and water... and will be fully engrossed for all of time, if allowed. He loves critters and just wants to play! Lucas has a light behind those big brown eyes... it's full of smiles, laughter, loud talking, belching... that light is life!

I love these things and more in our son. He is truly special to us... like no other boy I've known. He's uniquely made.

So often we don't talk about parenting while in the midst of depression or emotional lows. How does a parent care for a beautifully full child, when they themselves feel as if their tank is empty? Often I feel this way... and I have no advice. These are moments when I turn to prayer, devotion toward something that fills me (poetry or scripture), and a form of physical activity that leaves me feeling rejuvenated. Also, counseling. Parenting without solid, safe advice seems impossible. I couldn't do it.

Being aware of our own feelings allows us to be intuitive to our children's feelings. When we see our kids' hearts, we see them for what they need and who they are... at the core. I see my child's beauty, light, and life within!



I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. - Psalm 139:14

Vulnerability

There really isn't anything quite like confessing your heart and in return being encouraged by SO MANY people... it's humbling, really. There has been both and prideful and insecure part of myself that knew all along... all I had to do was ask for support, prayer, a phone call, a care package... and it would be there. But, we live in this world where we're afraid to be vulnerable.

Definition of Vulnerability: Easily hurt or harmed physically, mentally, or emotionally.

No one really wants to put their feelings out there, if they fear a negative reaction to their vulnerability. Often, people see confession or honesty as a moment of weakness, but right now... it's the strongest I've felt in months. I feel the strength to overcome insecurity and preconceived notions about "feeling low" or "low grade depression." I am strong enough to not care whether or not people see me as a victim or an over comer... because right now it's about being well.

It would be kind of great if we could be MORE HONEST about our feelings. You know why? Because we all deal with this stuff. These grey days that won't lift. The feelings of numbness. The thoughts that make us feel crowded and heavy. There is no weakness, because we all deal with this darkness on one level, or another. Some of us are carrying heavy burdens and others carry lighter ones... but we all carry it.

Let's talk about it more. I'm gonna talk about it....

"Scare the World: Be exactly who you say you are and tell the truth." -Iaian Thomas, I Wrote This For You

"No legacy is so rich as honesty." -William Shakespeare

Perspective Is Everything

Okay... I'm not complaining and I'm not attempting to gain sympathy from anyone... but I have to write this down, because I don't want to forget the ups and downs. Perspective is everything, right?

Right now, Lucas is insane. It seems when he hit three and a half, things really smoothed out with behavior, temperament and predictability. I reached a place as a parent where I thought: "I got this." It was nice, because for the first time I really felt like my child and I had a "working relationship".

I'm throwing all of that out the window.

What we're dealing with here is blatant disrespect, angry outbursts, defiance, aggressive behavior...sassy talk, arguing and a serious attitude problem. Need I go on? Seriously you guys... I feel like the sweet child I wrote about here is hiding in the shadows, because the current child has bullied him into the corner.

For a little perspective, I am taking into consideration the fact that we're traveling. With that comes boredom, loneliness and a general upset in routine. Lucas is a routine kid and though he is flexible, he as always thrived on predictable routine (this is actually true for all children/human beings). We've upset the balance and changed housing twice in two weeks. We've stayed in hotels. We've been trapped indoors with rain and significantly less activity than normal. We've been stuck together for nearly three weeks... no distractions, no friends. Bleh.

Another factor is that I'm rearing a boy. As he ages, I can't help but notice a toughness building in him. I seriously struggle with the loss of his baby boyness. Oh my sweet baby boy... he's turning into a big boy who resists snuggling on the couch, holding my hand and willfully doing as he's told with a trusting heart. This boy is attempting independence and it's kills me.

It's a natural process, but for those of us who a little bit more self-aware it's evident what's going on here.

So here we are. If history proves itself, Lucas will wind down and have a time of softness again. He'll be compliant and obedient and I'll think "I got this" again. We go in two week cycles, and we're nearing the end of this naughty cycle. I know we'll get back to a place where things feel easy and we get along great. We can do activities side by side (like Legos!) without it being combative or argumentative.


Now if I can just keep it together in the meantime.

Pull My Head Out

Oh friends... it's been a rough few weeks. I've had some major ups and downs and what the hecks!? Those inner battles that go on in my heart and in my head are rearing up and boy howdy am I in a tizzy.

I've been away from blogging because frankly, I'm a negative Nelly and no one really wants to be a part of that.

Conclusion, I've signed myself up for therapy again.

Why not sooner? Well... to be frank I've had perfectly good excuses. Yes, excuses. Insurance won't cover me, because I'm a dependent, and evidently being dependent means your mental health has little importance to the rest of the world. Have you met one dependent who doesn't question their mental sanity at least once (or fifteen times) in their lives?!

Secondly, this is the first time I've actually felt comfortable asking individuals to take my beloved little devil-child on a consistent basis. Asking for a baby sitter here and there is one thing... but to ask for a commitment on a regular basis is well... a commitment. I'm a mom who spends an inordinate amount of time alone with my child. I don't have the luxury of a day off here and there... even for therapy.

But now... I'm making it a priority.

Anywho... this blogging hiatus has been partially intentional. To spare you all the whine and frankness of my life right now. Hopefully seeing a therapist can help me pull me head out and breathe a little freshness into this heart and head of mine.
 

Post Trip Sadness

Tomorrow will mark two weeks I've been back in Salt Lake City... and I just couldn't bring myself to blog about it. Not sure why... I have a few ideas, but really can't put my finger on it.

Generally speaking, it's been a tough transition for me to assimilate myself back into Utah life. I have great friends, an awesome church, a loving husband and frankly, I really like this town. But... I still find myself irrationally emotional about leaving my friends and family behind in Oregon.

Anyway, I'm moving forward and forcing myself to interact with people... which is actually nice, because I like them. What a lot of people don't really know about me is when I'm sad or depressed, I prefer to isolate myself. I hide. I cry a lot. It's pathetic, really.

So I force myself to be outgoing...needy... call it what you will.

I just wish I could put my finger on why I'm so damn pathetic this time around. And why I can't seem to pull myself together. When I think about potentially going back to Portland for Christmas, it just sounds too painful to leave again. How sad is that!?

So here I am... a whiner who is obviously so unself-aware (is that even a word!?...no) that I can't fix myself. Please forgive me for the lack of blogging and now probably blogging too much about my feelings and ish like that.

Bear with me, people. It's a process.

The Right Thing...Car Version

We're going into week three of car troubles...and it's exhausting.

It's been two weeks of decisions, inquiries, borrowing, praying, more decisions and attempts at predicting the future.

Do we repair the car? Do we buy a new one? Do we buy a used car? Do we finance a car? What to do!?

As of right now... it's going to be a few more weeks and a few more bike rides, a few more walks and a lot more days spent at home.

That's okay, because it means we're doing the right thing. The hard thing... yes. But it's the right thing.

Dinglehoppers and Wizzing

I currently share a bathroom with three grown men and a toddler boy. Enough said, right? Yes...every time I use the restroom I spot things that make me cringe and then I wipe the bathroom down... like, every day. Ugh.

I should be fair and say, that I live with very gentlemanly men. They don't pee on the walls or leave streaks in the toilet... but they have masculinity and that, my friends, is enough. Pubic hair and pee.

(I can't believe I just said that!!!)

Gross, right? Right.

Anyway... I've decided it's time for Lucas to start peeing standing up. It was a hundred times easier to potty train him sitting down and I've just stuck with that. But now... he's going in public restrooms more often and it's actually easier for me to have him tinkle standing up.

Except when the toilet is taller than his dinglehopper.

The child literally pees on the back of the toilet... making no regard for the backsplash or the wizz dripping down on his shoes. He's attempting to "put his potty into the toilet" which results in peeing all over the toilet... literally hosing it down.

And all I can do is stand there and wait for it to be over.

Because who yells at their child while he's attempting to pee? Yes... I have. And I can tell you from experience... it doesn't work. It just freaks him out more... resulting in frantic wizzing. Which I can tell you again, not good.

So here I am. Wiping urine off of everything. My hands smell like Seventh Generation bathroom cleaner... which is a plus, compared to urine.

Those Punks

Okay... so I'm looking through the majority of my posts over the course of the past two months and realizing.... THEY'RE TERRIBLE!

My apologies... sincerely. I can't believe how bad they are.

Here's the explanation. I've been mostly blogging from my iPhone, which has been my only source of online interactions. I figure... it's better to blog a little somethin' somethin' than not to blog at all.

I was wrong.

Clearly the Blogger app is lame. Some of the photos I've posted aren't even showing up and the ones that do are blurry. Argh. I may have to go back and fix those... don't judge, it's the perfectionist in me. I can't help it.

Anyway... I apologize to those of you who peruse this modest blog. I'm hoping things will improve. How do I communicate my disappointment with Blogger? Those punks!

Toy Guns

I'm just gonna come out and say it: My kid plays with toy guns. And, we're kinda okay with that.

If I were a better mother, I would have done WAY more research on the topic, but I didn't. And so we're left with: My theory (which is probably way off base)... guns are a part of our lives...whether we like it or not. And let's be honest, sticks, rocks, and other inanimate objects end up being used as weapons in children's (my child's) imaginative play anyway. Guns are in Disney Movies, storybooks and in every children's toy store... you can't avoid them. 

In my feeble opinion, the breakdown begins when parents do not communicate with their children at pivotal points within their development. It begins with rules and as a child grows, teaching them that guns can potentially be very dangerous, if  not respected or handled properly. In addition, the importance of keeping "real" guns away from children. Being an informed parent regarding homes your child enters and ensuring all guns are kept safe and out of reach of those adorable little hands.

We have started with one gun rule: No pointing it at people. Not nice. And a little creepy.



Do you allow gun play in your home? Should I be more concerned about potentially violent imaginative play with my child? Do you think it's dangerous to let my child play with toy guns?

Holiday Fun

As you've probably noticed, not a lot of action has been taking place on the blog. And to be honest, it's completely skipped my mind some days. I blame it on Matt.

Matt has been home more the past two weeks, which is awesome! His last two weeks of tech for Annie... the guy logged 165 hours. I almost threw up in my mouth when he told me this gem of a fact. It's incredible how much time I have when he's busy in the theater and how I manage to be so productive as a means of staving off loneliness. Now that he's on a "normal person's schedule"... I'm one of the laziest, slovenly gals I know! We watch movies, eat delicious food, drink delicious beverages, hang out with some pretty great people, play games, chase Lucas around, enjoy holiday festivities and such (we do other things too... but this isn't the forum for that type of talk). And as I sit here and write, I wish it was always this way.

With that in mind, I might not appreciate these times as much if they were the norm. So...I'll do a little updating today... but I can't promise I will be steady with posts over the course of the next few weeks. Please forgive me... I'm busy having fun.

Weird Molars

Today I endured the dentist. And now I'm enjoying a beer (or two)... because going to the dentist is probably in my top five reasons life isn't always great. A few others would be giving birth, Walmart on a Saturday, and backne (that's acne on your back... in case you didn't know). Going to the dentist always induces sweaty pits, headache, ringing in the ears and feelings of exhaustion after a huge dump of adrenaline in my system. I kid you not. We're talking about sweaty palms and shaking hands. There is nothing fun about the dentist.

I should be fair... my dentist is the nicest guy. He's down to Earth and speaks openly with me about himself and his family. He's from the Northwest. And he tells me in advance when he's gonna jam both hands into the farthest corner of my mouth, resulting in "a little bit of discomfort." Hmm...at least he gave me a heads up. He also says things like: "you have weird molars." And: "Does it bother you that your teeth are so close together? I mean, how do you floss!?" Thanks buddy. Thanks for the authentic bluntness. To be fair... he did tell me I have "pretty teeth." Evidently they're weird, close together and pretty. That'll do.

My weird, close-together, pretty teeth!

Anyway... today's fillings (yes... multiple... thank you child-bearing years) resulted in a capped tooth. Oh gosh. There go my nerves. Not only am I thinking about him accidently drilling into my tongue, but now I'm thinking about the bank account. Great. There goes my idea of a new dress for this weekend (not that I was planning on buying a three-hundred and fifty dollar dress... but still). Mr. Nice Dentist did me a big favor by showing me my tooth after he had scraped all that goodness/plaque out and lemme just tell you... it's a good thing I have big molars! Ouch. Better cap that baby.

So... the beer tonight will calm my nerves, hopefully relieve some jaw discomfort (no jokes needed here folks) and perk up my pride a bit. I mean... I'm not less of a person just because I've had ten... TEN!... fillings in the last three weeks. I SWEAR I BRUSH MY TEETH! Stop judging me now... seriously. It's not my fault... it's my weird molars.

That Sweet Boy

Ahhh... the challenges of parenting. They're fleeting and yet ongoing, it seems.  In the moment I tell myself, "this will pass, this will pass, this will pass." And yet, I feel the emotions rising within and my feelings taking over. In the moment, it doesn't feel like it's passing. It feels like day in and day out of tantrums, tempers, throwing, hitting....timeout and the daily swat to the hiney. The blood rises to my face and I feel the tears sting my eyes... no, I will not let my very young child see me cry. He's not ready for that. But oh.... I want to cry. I want someone else to be in charge.

Today was that day. A lack of sleep creating tension? Maybe. Or just the age. Probably a combination of both... but I'm worn out. I hit my breaking point when lunch was willfully dumped on the floor... as those young eyes looked straight at me. They looked at me with a certain determination, yet I still don't know why the beans ended up on the floor. I'll probably never know. What I do know is that I was so angry with the little one, I couldn't utter a word. I couldn't even say, "no no." I think he found that more upsetting than a warranted reaction. But I was tired and like I said, worn out.

Bedtime was early. Hubs came home early too... which is why he's wonderful. I'm sure he'll make up for tomorrow. But his love is evident and for that I'm grateful. In my worn out state, I will say prayers tonight and hope for a better tomorrow. But I won't hold my breath... because this is toddler time and when it's toddler time, there are no rules. I'll remind myself that this is a time that won't last forever and when he's eleven, I'll remember the sweet boy. Maybe. Or maybe I'll remember how much of a little rascal he was. Either way, I'm sure it'll be with a smile on my face.

Here's to trying again tomorrow.

A Community of Relationships

Lately the subject of community has been a topic of discussion amongst my friends here in Salt Lake City. And when we discuss community, it's in the context of the people living around us; working with us; shopping with us; worshipping with us... generally, all the people here in Salt Lake City (and by all, I mean ALL). And these discussions are efforts of myself and my friends to understand how we can love our community to the best of our abilities.

I think the word community needs to be replaced with relationships.* We live in a time when we don't know our neighbors or the name of the barista who makes our coffee every morning. Every. Morning. Relationships are what make the World go round, right? Relationships are what make getting out of bed worthwhile. Relationships are what get us through the dark times and are what make the bright times the best times.

We live in cities full of people... full of community (whatever that means)... full of potential relationships. We live amongst people who can evoke change in our heart and growth in our soul. Let's make those relationships loving and lasting!

...Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. 
-Colossians 4:14

*This epiphany did not come to me all on it's own. It came to me through daring and thoughtful discussion. This discussion was had with folks who love me as I love them. Wouldn't it be great if we all were having discussions like this?

Photo thanks to Google Images

You Know You're In Utah When...

... you're at Barnes and Nobles and they have an entire section called "Latter Day Saints." I found this interesting, because I hadn't noticed this in any other national chain bookstores. Sure, most stores have "Religion" and "Christianity" sections... but I don't believe I've ever seen Latter Day Saints.

I must admit, there are more LDS bookstores than any other bookstore in town. That being said, I often wonder if there were other options in the past, but due to the rise of purchasing books online some of the other bookstores (Christian and such) went by the wayside. Deseret Bookstores are in every neighborhood here and I often find myself wanting to venture in just to see if they too read the cheesy novels about faith and love... all resulting in a happy-ever-after ending (only if the main character is a Godly person).

I say all of this, because we've officially been in Salt Lake City for a year now. Yep... it's been a year! And in that year, I find myself noticing less and less of the LDS influence. Oh... don't get me wrong, the city hasn't changed a bit. But, I've grown acclimated to the oh-so-obvious Mormon influence in this town. Everything. Is. Mormon. Both our newspapers are owned by the LDS church, both of our local news stations are LDS owned. Our parks have LDS names. There are wards, stake centers and temples in every neighborhood. Shoot... our streets are based on the alignment of the stars, which stems from the Free Masons, who by no coincidence had a HUGE part in starting the LDS church. So yea... you can't get away from it.

I can see how I've grown accustomed to this place and what seemed so unordinary and spectacular before is now just a part of the way we live. We live in a city that is hugely run by and determined by a religion (some would say a cult)... more specifically, by an organization that controls the way their people live their lives. To sweeten that statement, I've grown to appreciate the people here and I will never waver in my thought that this is by far, the nicest town we've ever been in.

Anyway... I'm rambling. It strikes me funny when things stick out and grasp my attention suddenly. The "Latter Day Saints" section in Barnes and Nobles definitely hit home the fact that this is now home. We don't talk about the weirdness or ass-backwardness of this town anymore. We mostly appreciate the cleanliness, the kindness and the fact that we live in a town full of people living their lives to the best of their ability. And I can't blame them for that.

Awkward Stage

It seems blogging has been especially difficult for me lately. I find myself not wanting to write or share, but... I am not sure why? I suppose it could be that I've been busy and my brain has just been too full to spill everything on "paper". Yes, I'm a thinker... I think and I process and then I think some more.  Where would I start?

And then there's the "who cares what I think?" I go back and forth second-guessing my opinions, thoughts and mental meanderings... figuring there are plenty of people out there with opinions. Who needs mine?

Ugh. Oh well. This post was initiated by the mere fact that I've been fiddling with the look of my blog and I can't seem to land on something I'm happy with. It's either ugly, or dorky or something I just feel is "not right." And then I got to thinking... it's a perfect example of my blogging skills lately. They're just off a little.

So there you have it. The look of my blog has changed and since I don't feel like it's for the better, it'll probably change again. Don't judge me... it's in it's awkward stage. Maybe I'll get back in the swing of things and everything will fall into place again... and my blog will be pretty.

Baptism

This Sunday was a bit different for all of us at Missio Dei. Our fun-loving church had a camp-out weekend and a non-traditional worship on Sunday morning. We all came together for worship, communion, and baptism on Sunday. It was a huge blessing to be together in an unusual environment for church and see loved ones be baptized into the family of God.

Catherine, who was baptized that morning, said that not only was she using baptism as a testament of faith to her local church community, but also an acknowledgment that she now found community in the entire faith of Christ followers. I found this to be refreshing for multiple reasons.

Many of us are baptized as children or teens as a right of passage. We know in our hearts that this is something our community of faith expects of us. As children it is a fairly easy task to do. We believe without blemish and without question (most of the time). At that time in our lives we don't choose to be a part of the church, we choose to do what we're told. And though this choice is made from the heart (most often), it's naive.

For those who wait to be baptized as adults, they're making a more-rational choice... weighing options and using the pain, knowledge, heart and wisdom they've acquired in their early to mid adult years. They've seen some life (if not some, then lots) and they willingly submit their beliefs, heart and soul to this faith in Christ and his Church. They are making a choice, not following directions.

Although I do not know Catherine very personally, her commitment to God and Christ is evident. She is passionate for the will of God in her life and the lives of those whom she loves. I see this as a beautiful thing. A very adult thing, made in her own heart of hearts. I cannot deny that this type of commitment is more meaningful to me, than a commitment a child makes. It's a willful desire to act upon knowledge, rather than obedience in man.

Thoughts?

* I should add, I was baptized into the Protestant Church as a 17 year old. And though I was still a child, I value that moment in my life very highly. I can see in hindsight that my choice was based on human obedience and have often considered baptism as a "new" follower of Christ. But that's for another discussion.