Blogging Is A Mindful Task

I was hanging with a few of my Homeschool Mom friends yesterday and we found ourselves talking about blogging. Sheepishly, I mentioned that I've had a blog for nearly ten years and recently I've begun to seriously ignore it. I couldn't give the ladies a real reason why I haven't been blogging, other than busyness or just a general lack of attention.

If I was being really honest, though, I would have recognized that there have been moments when I've mentally stopped and thought, "I should write about this" and willfully decided not to. I made the choice to not write (all my writer friends: you can stop judging me now). 

I realized, I often don't blog because it is just one more thing. Blogging has been a very rewarding part of my inner-life as well as my social life, but over the course of the past year it has become just one more thing among the dishes, the laundry, the errands, the appointments, the lessons, the busyness, the chatter, the movement, the explanations, the lessons, the stress, the mundane and everything else. It became another task.

How did I let this rewarding, fulfilling thing become just another task!?

As a stay-at-home-school mother, I find my focus to never be... focused. I rarely have the time to just lean into something for more than a half hour. I wear many hats (as the saying goes) and rarely have time to myself. When I do have that time to myself, I choose activities like sitting, staring, sleeping, and basically anything that requires little brain energy. I choose rest.

The irony is this type of rest is yes, rest; but not the type of rest that refills my tank. Existing is not enough. This type relaxation is important, but I rarely feel energized after staring (I'm chuckling to myself right now, because staring IS a REAL thing you guys!) or just sitting. What brings energy to my soul is recognizing that I'm alive, and giving back, and serving, and growing, and becoming, and nurturing. 

I recognize in myself that blogging creates a sense of presence in my own life; I am aware and cognizant of the moment in which I am giving of myself. I am present. It is very easy (and sometimes necessary) to get through the days and manage the week as best as possible without putting too much thought and effort in, but who wants to just "get through" their life? I want to live and remember and thrive. Blogging has been, and should continue to be, a very rewarding contribution I make to my own life and the lives of those I care about.

I'd say that I should probably do more reflecting, and recognize the things I deeply value, beyond blogging. Motherhood can feel arduous and monotonous, but it doesn't have to feel like endless weeks of "just getting through." Being aware and clear-headed and mindful helps the ongoing moments feel like treasures I store up in my heart for always. And maybe, while I'm doing dishes, laundry or all the things, my mind is present and I truly feel, hear and understand the joy of the life I'm living now. 

Do The Work and Find A Therapist

Photo: Yumi Kim

January is by far my least favorite month of the year. Some would think it's great... starting over, fresh beginnings, and nothing to plan for. For me, it's bleak.

This particular January has been a rough one. I've come to accept the fact that I cannot manage my depression on my own. It's a day to day basis, and frankly I've had more bad days than good ones the past six weeks... or the past year... or maybe my entire life? It's all in question right now.

Christmas was beautiful... my parents came to Muncie, and we celebrated in such meaningful ways. Togetherness is something that always touches my heart, and having them here for a couple weeks was an incredible gift!

In spite of the festivities, I still had this cloud of grey over my heart. It seems, I cannot remember a time when I was genuinely happy, or light-hearted. It seems everything is weighted or heavy-laden... tainted with some kind of sadness. I am unable to truly be free. At times, I've felt this happiness people speak of, but just as I seem to get a grip, it is lost again.

I am unsure why I'm sharing this.

This morning I did the easy thing... I lost it on my husband. Just ugly crying, slinging judgement, accusations, resentment, blame... all of the ugly came pouring out. Everything I've fought years to learn to control came tumbling out. There was no hiding everything that has been my heart. I caught a glimpse of myself and was immediately ashamed of how far I've let myself go. How far I've slid from the woman I know I really am.

This is where guilt, shame and embarassment reside. We're all very familiar with one another... they and I.  

After Matt left for work, I did my own work and found a therapist. The sense of relief was slight, but it was there. 

Right now the tears are partially for my brokeness, but mostly for grace. I've felt lost, but truly in my heart I know I am never lost. I am known, loved and wanted. I know this, but I don't feel it. I don't know why, but I'm rewarded with an incredibly patient husband, and friendships with whom I can be honest.

I look at others and often wonder: How are they so free?

Monday will be a step in the right direction... a step toward healing. Not just temporary healing, but life-changing, mending the broken pieces, becoming whole again, healing...freedom. 

  

This Morning Is Different

It's a fresh morning, here in Muncie. There is something wonderful about getting up early, and today my morning brings thunder, wind, and rain. As I sit here at our kitchen table, I can see our freshly cut lawn, Lucas' adorable tree swing and the leaves blowing the wind. It's as if the bright summer sun took a break and allowed the clouds to roll in... giving all of us a small reprieve from the normal morning bustle.

These are moments I am thankful for. Often in motherhood, it can feel as if I'm on a carousel. We go round and round with days that are fairly similar in fashion. After too many roundabouts, I start to feel anxious, jittery and uneasy. I begin to hear my inner thoughts saying things like "this is not fulfilling" or "I'm bored, and that means this job I'm doing is not important."

What!? I know... negative self-talk. Just stop it, right? Right.

This morning is different and it's confirmation in my heart that even nature needs a break from the mundane. That beautiful summer weather was getting real mundane (listen to me!...I can't believe what I'm saying). And it's true; no matter how beautiful my life is, I need a break sometimes. I listen to the negative, focus on my inadequacies, and somehow convince myself that things should look different.

Sure, sure, sure... we all need breaks. I can say it, and even believe myself when I say it, but when the hubs tells me to "take a break," I immediately feel guilt and all the feelings that hang out with guilt. That darn guilt! Where does it come from!? Why should I feel anything negative when I am refilling my emotional tank? Sigh...

As I grow through this motherhood gig, I've learned to push those thoughts out. Ignore them. Deny them. And then, find truth! Finding time and space in my day to fill myself with truth, goodness, energy, and life is the ONE thing I SHOULD do. Meeting with The Creator, taking a nap, stopping to write blessings, eating a popsicle WHILE sitting down, calling my sister... these are all things that fill my heart, and enable me to feel joy and continue the journey of motherhood, wife, woman, sister.... you get the idea.

Loving these two... it's my favorite thing to do.

The routine must continue, because I've committed my life to serving in love (and I'm grateful for the
opportunity), but thank God for the small (or big) moments that cause us to stop and refill ourselves with goodness. I hope this post encourages someone to stop in their day today and fill their tank a little bit; to feel the rain on their face, watch their favorite episode of Arrested Development, thank God for a few blessings, order the sweetened coffee instead of the black, eat another bowl of berries, go ahead and take that nap, call a longtime friend, go for a jog, do some crafting (and make a mess!), sing your favorite songs, read an extra chapter in your book, or kiss your spouse a little longer when they come home.

Without the little blessings, the carousel continues and we grow weak; we believe the lie that we're not enough. We miss The Creator's moments to bless and enrich our hearts, and then, we never see the blessings to praise him for; the sweet, tender moments in which we know we are deeply loved.

"Jesus fill me. The Holy Spirit is our Steady Comforter and our Ready Reminder." 
Lysa TerKeurst, Am I Messing Up My Kids

Blessing In Spring

It's Sunday afternoon and as big chunky snowflakes fall I find myself internally rolling my eyes and thinking: "Not again... when is it ever going to end!?" Winter... it's lasting forever this year. This Winter, or so I've been told, has been unusually frigid, dark, snow-packed and long. It's been one helluva Winter!

As I sit huddled in front of this space heater, in an effort to warm my toes, I can't help but compare this winter to my heart after our last move to Muncie. Moving is so hard, you guys. And this... from a gal who has moved... let's see... um, eight times since I was young (moving when you're young counts, because it changes you). That's a few times and at this point you'd think I'd be good at this relocation business. Well, lemme tell you... I'm not. In fact, I think it's harder every time!

Moving can leave a person feeling depressed. In fact, if someone tells me they have moved (to a new state/country) and they don't feel sad, lonely or low... I figure they're either incredibly unselfaware (this is not a word, I know), or lying. There is no way the human heart can go from a place of attachment and familiarity to aloneness and not feel something in their heart. No way!

Depression can feel like Winter... cold, isolating, lacking in color, lonely and trapped. It can leave you feeling like: "What's the point? Why do I even keep at it? Will Spring EVER show?"

Indeed. Spring is always around the corner. And without Winter... there is never a Spring. Truth.

See, there is always hope in the relief and warmth of fresh days, and it is just beyond the horizon. This HAS to end at some point. It can't last forever. It just can't....

As I hold on to the hope of Spring, I can now pull the shades and see the meaning of Winter/Depression. It is not just a cold, bleak time... but a time to hunker down and observe what has importance in life; real importance. When we are in a season of darkness, it is an opportunity to look toward our Creator and the promise to us of better times. We look to the Creator when we are unsure where we fit, or what purpose we serve. The Creator offers us meaning, love, and identity at the core.

Only the Creator can offer this identity. Not our friends, our families, our church, our jobs, our hobbies, our sports, our gardens, our children, our pets... nothing, but God. Sure, these things can add to our identities, but they do not define it. They do not create our core. God created our core from the moment we were birthed... our core was filled with meaning, love and identity... and that is something that is often lost when we are filled with attachment and familiarity to the World. We allow ourselves to be distracted by things that hold little importance compared to the love of our Creator. Taking these things away though relocation is an opportunity to find our core again. To find the love again.

Now, don't get me wrong. If you are in a time of attachment and familiarity, and this is where God has placed you... live it up! Those of us weathering a Winter are envious of the warmth, encouragement and fullness you experience during this time of your life, because it's great! The Lord bless you in this time!

For those of us barely making it through the rough patch, Spring can only come when we've weathered a Winter. Some of us have harder Winters than others, but find blessing in that too. We must have hope that our God is great and he will see us through with his love. This is a time in which I find my core and let it bathe in the warmth of Spring. A time of blossom and enrichment. It's going to be a beautiful and loving Spring!

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven; Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted; Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the Earth; Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled; Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy; Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God; Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the children of God; Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you, for great is your reward in Heaven for in the same way they persecuted the prophets before you. - Matthew 5:3

Better Days

It's embarrassing how long of a gap has gone between my last post and this one. The pressure to keep up a blog can be heavy... especially for a person like myself: perfectionist, type-A, consistent and slightly concerned about what others think. At the end of the day, I know I should blog... talk about life... keep in touch... post beautiful photos of my beautiful child and family and share our life with the people who love us.

But when you're depressed, all priorities change.*

Yes. I've been depressed. Some days it's "feeling low" and other days it's "just me getting out of bed is an accomplishment" kind of day. Thankfully, I've been able to maintain the status quo and shower and get my kid to school and make meals and keep the house tidy... but at the heart of things, I've felt empty, low, sad, bored and just unhappy.

This is a really hard way to live life, and it's not really working out. I think I've come to terms with that. Living day to day and recognizing things are not getting better.

I guess this isn't so much of a confession as it is a plea for support, love, and understanding. I know I'm not the only person who felt deep sadness in this helluva winter we had (because good Lord, Indiana!) and I know there are reasons I feel low (isolation, loneliness, homesickness...). But sometimes knowing why still doesn't do the trick. Snapping out of it just isn't the answer.

I'm on the track toward better days and I really hope I can use this blog as a way to be honest about life for myself and my family. Because, there have been SO MANY GOOD THINGS going on! I don't want my inability to process my feelings to get in the way of sharing good things.

Here's to being honest. And here's to reaching out.

*If you're feeling depressed, please seek help. Whether it's with a friend, a pastor or a counselor... please find someone to talk to. It will make a HUGE difference. If you're having feelings that include hurting yourself or taking your own life, please call this number immediately: 1-800-273-8255

Welcome The New Year

I sit here in our brightly lit dining room, coffee in hand, bathrobe still on. It's ten-twenty in the morning and I'm refusing to let my chaotic night, lack of sleep and worry of sick child get me down. I've already downed my smoothie, which I packed with extra ginger in hopes to give me inspiration, a lift and maybe a little detox today. And while I sit here in my bathrobe, coffee in hand I look out at the snow-covered everything.

It's been exactly a month since my last blog post and though the four weeks have flown by, much has taken place. We've settled into our new home and it's beginning to smell of our warmth, food and coffee. We've painted here and there, torn off wallpaper, replaced water filters, moved furniture, cleaned floors, scrubbed walls, moved furniture again and really grown to love our new home even more.

Spending a holiday in a new home makes all the difference. It feels more like us.

It was a blissful Christmas Season for us. Quiet. Fun. Relaxing. Matt and I finished a puzzle, played board games, drank lots of beer and watched old westerns. I can't remember the last time we had time to kill. Endless hours to do as we please... nap, play games with the kiddo, go for walks, trudge through the snow and just laugh together. We missed our families, yes. In fact, Christmas felt weird without the bustle and travel and loud rooms full of people laughing and eating delicious foods. But sometimes weird is good. This year, the weird was good for us.

Today, we're on our fourth day of no school, everything is closed, snow-day. The roads still have a lot of ice and packed in snow... our backyard is deep with the white and my bird feeder has been picked clean. After a wonderful holiday, I struggle to let go of the "break" we had. I want it to last forever, but alas, nothing last lasts forever.

It's time to welcome this new year.

Astounding Thankfulness

The month dedicated to thankfulness has past, and yet I find myself ever increasingly thankful. November flew through our lives, blowing out the warm Autumn air and bringing in the crisp fresh air of Winter and December.

The last week of November, I realized there is never a time when we can be thankful enough... and yet a heart of thankfulness seems to be what we all need to get through. How can thankfulness be something that makes our world better? And yet, it does. It's the spirit of it all. Thankfulness is relative... we have varying levels of thanks and as it applies to each of us individually, we all realize how content we are.

The man on the street who appears to be homeless... I offer him my gloves, but he politely declines and says: "How will I eat my chocolate muffin with mittens on?" He pulls a chocolate muffin out of his inner coat pocket. I can't help but laugh, because indeed... eating a muffin with mittens seems just impossible. He also adds, "I have gloves in my other pocket too..." He smiles (toothless) and says, "God bless you. You are too kind." I can see thankfulness in his heart.

As we proceed down the street, it makes me equally thankful to see the man smile.

Thanksgiving Day was a joy for us. Yes, the food was delicious. The wine was perfect. The company was delightful. But... what made the day most joyous was the fact that a family opened their hearts and invited us to celebrate the day together. Grandparents, kids, great grandparents... everyone related... and then us. Yet, we felt welcomed and right at home. A bed was made for us to stay and breakfast was prepared the next morning. There is nothing more enjoyable than being in a home with friends who treat you like family. Our kids ran from room to room, laughing. We sat and told family stories while discussing heritage and old fashioned values.  My heart was warmed by the love I felt extended and the acceptance than can only come from a place of thankfulness.

The Burley Family... minus the twins.

I felt thankful for true friendship that extends the miles and time spent apart.

As I write this, we're on the last couple days of our fourteen day stay in Cincinnati. Matt is working hard, spending the majority of his time in the theater. Lucas and I have had the opportunity to see things, spend time with friends and enjoy the city! We can do all of this, because Matt works incredibly hard to provide these opportunities for us! Our situation can be challenging, but this past week I have been increasingly aware of how lucky we are to have Matt. And in addition, how fortunate we are that Matt has work that pays well enough. It hasn't always been this way. An awareness of how rough things can get makes us incredibly thankful. I am often overwhelmed by Matt's hardworking nature. Lucas and I are blessed with opportunity and exposure, due to Matt.

I have astounding thankfulness for Matt and the way he's shaped his career to serve us and our family.

This past week I've had opportunities to be thankful for everything from a toothless smile, friends who are now like family and a reminder of how thankful I am for the man who chose me to be his partner for life. Every season we have different thanks to be had, and I have to remind myself that we ALL have SOMETHING to be thankful for.

Here's To Joy

Okay guys... confession time. I have no good reasons as for why this blog has been neglected. My only reason is that I've been really low. Like, emotionally low. Like, depressed.

If we all have a "thorn in the flesh" one of my biggest "thorns" is low-grade depression that comes and goes, especially when life is most challenging. The irony of depression is that it hits you when times are the most difficult. Lately, things have been difficult.

I'm working on a few things (like my diet, my spirituality and my physical activity) to get my heart in a better place. Feeling like I'm in control of myself again is really important for stability and I'm aiming to get back there.

In addition, focusing on the joy of the every day. I need to do that more. The every day of life is our life. Why not focus on the joys that greet us in the moments we least expect it? The joy of a great run, or a peaceful afternoon. Let these joys dictate the joy in our heart. Rather than go from one disappointment to the next, I would like to see my heart go from one joy to the next.

So... here's to joy. Here's to turning over a new leaf...

Just What We Needed

Upon waking this morning, I decided today was a great day to get out and be in nature. After a little research and travel planning, I packed lunches and set out for a little adventure.

Ironically as we walked out the door, it began to rain. It hasn't rain in nearly two weeks, but today... it decided to rain. Nevertheless, I maintained schedule.

Lucas and I drove down to Whitewater State Park, Indiana. We drove through torrential rain showers and I decided that we'd hike anyway. Rain or shine.

Thankfully we didn't have to. The weather was perfect at the park.

There is something fantastical that comes alive in the Little when we're out and about. I recognize that we all have a magically confident side that awakens when we step into nature long enough. There is a definite connection to the Earth. For Lucas, it only takes a few minutes and he become more sure-footed, faster on the trail, quieter (thank goodness... because seriously that child talks... ), and has a keener eye for all that is around him.

A few of my favorite moments today centered around stopping on the trail, being very quiet and listening to the sounds of nature. At various points I asked Lucas what he thought he could hear and his responses included these statements:

"I think that is a family of squirrels. Probably a Daddy and a Mommy and a little boy squirrel. They are putting acorns in their food bin for the winter. They might drop one and it will grow into a tree because they will forget to pick it up before they go to bed."

"I hear a bird. It's probably an eagle." Me: "An eagle, huh?" Lucas: "Yep. That's definitely an eagle."

"The wind is blowing those leaves out of the trees (excitedly)! They're falling down! I'm going to catch ALL of them!!"

There were many different types of fungus in the forest today and every time we passed a group Lucas would say: "Mom please don't touch them... they are SO poisonous... don't eat them either!" 

My own mother would be proud.

Today was a much needed break from the regular routine we've adopted. I've found myself in a serious slump lately and really needed a little perspective. There is nothing like a little walk in the woods to bring perspective and though I still don't feel like myself, I'm encouraged by the natural beauty that is around us here in Indiana.

Today's mixture of quiet walking, exploring by the lakeside, seeing cute little critters, picnicking under the trees, and running through the fallen leaves was just what we needed.

Every Day in Autumn

Autumn is a beautiful time here in Indiana! I couldn't be more thankful for the crisp nights, warm days, cool breeze and sunshine. Indiana is not failing to disappoint us, as we are experiencing what I would consider an all-American Autumn.

The cornfields are turning brown, and as the sun sets at dusk you can see the bugs buzzing above the stalks in the glare of the sunbeams. The heat from the day leaves the earth warm and after dark, you can smell the warmth as the air cools with the Autumn breeze. It's stunning.

The mornings provide fog and the light of rising sun streams through the crispy leaves, providing warmth and hope to all the little animals that are waking. We see ducks, geese, squirrels, chipmunks and even a cormorant on the river as we drive through the fog, having to shield our eyes from the Eastern sun.

This Autumn season I find myself truly thankful for all we have here. This place at first glance appears to be simple, plain and easy... all of this true, there is much beauty to be had in the simple. The plain is easy to absorb and appreciate. It becomes natural. The easy makes life seem a little less complicated, and priorities a wee bit easier to identify. We have much to be thankful for. When life is simple and easy, the things we are thankful for become plentiful and meaningful. We appreciate what we're given in the every day.

September is going much too fast... I want it to slow down, so I may savor it and hold on to these foggy mornings and sultry evenings. I want to soak it up and appreciate it as long as possible. Autumn is my favorite time of year, and here in Indiana I'm not sure it gets any better than this.

Compliments From Another Generation

 This morning we all went to look at a home with our Realtor, Jim. Jim is an old-fashioned man. He's kind, polite, matter of fact and a bit hard of hearing. That being said, we've grown attached to him and greatly respect all of his input and advice regarding home buying in Muncie.

Upon arrival at this home, we get out of our car and wait for Jim. Sure enough, he rolls up in his red Tahoe and gets out of the car. Lucas yells, "Hi Jim!!" and runs across the yard to greet him. And then Lucas says: "It's nice to see you again!"

Jim just smiles and says: "Aww, what a good kid."

Cynical me responds: "Well, it's still early in the day... he he he."

Then Jim said something that both humbled me and warmed my heart. He said:

"You know, you guys... I almost said something last time we were together, but I'll tell you now. You guys are great parents."

Jim then went on to explain why he thought we were doing a good job, and most of his reasons were old fashioned, but solid. He said: "If you ever doubt, I can assure you... you are doing SO good."

This coming from a guy who ignores my sarcasm and witty jokes. This coming from a man who has grown children and obviously prefers "to be seen and not heard" policies regarding kids. This coming from a man who is serious about life and has a deep respect for raising children with strong morals and a heavy honor for their elders.

It was good for me to hear these things Jim had to share. The day in and day out sure does feel gritty, wild and unruly. But from a man who is quite possibly two generations ahead of us, a compliment like this gives me perspective that everything is going to be alright. Our son, though he be strong-minded and independent, has all the workings of good man.

Thanks for the compliment Jim. You have no idea what this does for us. God bless your heart.

Balancing Out

It's a lovely morning here in Muncie... cool, breezy and the skies are clear as a bell. It's truly a relief to have the fresh coolness of Fall setting in after what felt like weeks of sticky hot. We are ready to welcome the cool nights, rainy days and crispy leaves as we transition into a season of rest.

Matt and I are still searching for a home to call our own. We have yet to truly unpack in the condominium we currently reside in, as there continues to be hope that we will find a home that is a good fit for our small family. There is great anticipation at the thought of having a home to call our own, with a backyard and an address we can keep for years! Matt and I have a knack for moving frequently and it's safe to say we're ready to settle in for a bit.

Lucas will be starting preschool on Monday, and though I didn't expect to feel this way... I am excited! I go back and forth with my thoughts regarding education, and though I still believe homeschooling can be a far superior option for many families, our family has chosen to put our Little in preschool.

Lucas has struggled with boredom since arriving her in Muncie, and his behavior has been outrageously difficult. I recognize that mischievousness is a symptom of many things, but if we can quell his need for social interaction with a loving preschool, we'll do it. I think this will be great on many levels and in turn, if our little man is healthy, happy and having his needs met, our family will be all the more balanced for it.

So... there you have it. Not much really to report, except that life is starting to balance out. I've had the beautiful opportunity to connect with loved ones in other areas, we're planning a few trips to see a few lovelies and in the midst of the distance friendships, I've had sweet opportunities to connect with new friends here in Muncie. It's when we allow ourselves to emotionally disconnect from our current situation and step outside of ourselves... that's when we begin to see the small developments unfurling themselves into huge blessings down the road. I can see the beginnings of many good things.

There Is Light, Though It Be Dim

Moving is not just an act of packing boxes, loading a truck and adjusting to a new home, but an act of moving on; moving on and moving forward.

Saying goodbye to a place of comfort is difficult. Always... it's a challenge for the heart to give up the normal. I don't think this is unusual for most people. In spite of what's considered normal, I still find myself struggling to say goodbye to the routine, the habits and the well-trod land I've walked for a couple years in our last home. This land becomes my land... my place. My place is where I find comfort.

Saying goodbye to the people I've grown to love is intensely challenging. There is a loyalty and trust in relationships that have been fostered with tenderness and joy. Leaving these relationships is a massive sacrifice for a person like myself. After several relocations, I've grown to realize that once I am out of sight, I am also out of mind. Three or four weeks pass and those friendships I've held dear no longer call, check in or keep me in the loop. This is natural, and a painful loss.

Moving on after a relocation is a mental and emotional balance of letting go, and being okay with it. The act of "being okay with it" takes discipline and a willingness to step out on faith that things are going to be great... eventually. 

Knowing something is going to be difficult is all well and good... until I'm in the midst of that difficulty. Combine these things: eating alone, spouse works a fourteen hour day, boxes everywhere, child is belligerent, it's humid, and I'm already depressed. This leads to questioning everything I knew would be difficult. It's hella hard, and I want to blame someone... kick and cry! Everything's fine, seemingly. But the heart hurts and these tough days are all it takes to push my heart over the edge.

And then, that day passes. The next day is better. There is light, though it be dim. Redemption comes in spite of our inability or unwillingness to see it. Dwelling on the difficulty is not moving on and though it's tempting, moving forward is the only way to truly move. Remaining stagnant after a relocation leads to a sunken heart. This heart becomes unable to see the redemption that is lit by that dim light.

This life we've been called to live is not our own to claim. If we have been challenged to move by our maker, the only way to move is forward. Move toward the goodness, rich relationships, and intense beauty that can only come from a willingness to accept the gain of the past. Move forward toward a brighter future. 

...faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

Challenge, Development And Growth

Clearly I've been avoiding the whole blogging bit. It's unclear as to why, but I think it has a lot to do with the mere fact that right now is mostly about coping mechanisms. Life is different here. My days are filled with the responsibilities of life, but the lack of companionship and friendship makes it all feel dull and lifeless. I know this season will seem remarkably short in the span of a lifetime, but in my efforts to maintain balance I find myself feeling emotionally thin.

Blogging about my lack of inspiration for life seems petty.

There has been much good in our home. Matt and I are slowly settling into our townhouse, in spite of the fact that we're already looking at other homes. We still have plans to find a home to own, but in that search we are attempting to feel cozy in our current situation. As we settle in, this place is beginning to feel comfortable, safe and even a little enjoyable.

Work for Matt has been (as you can imagine) a bit stressful. Maintaining a perspective of "you can't do
everything now" has been a challenge and even though Matt is only in his first year at Ball State, he feels compelled to make this program a success now. The hours have been great and having Matt at home most evenings is a treat I've never known. Both Lucas and I look forward to his arrival in the evenings, which brightens every day for us.

Lucas seems happy too. He's our kid who has
always been fairly flexible, easy-going and joyful. With that in mind, we've been dealing with behavioral issues that are concerning. Having a strong-willed, smart and independent child is a gift... and a challenge. Always having been a firm parent, I find myself wondering why this little man of ours pushes boundaries he knows are limited. When I think on these things, I understand that we're in a new environment and testing limits is healthy. Our boy needs to be reminded that our family unit is the same and the way we love each other will remain unchanged. Though these times can feel like my undoing, I know they're crucial to him growing into the faith-filled, strong, young man he's meant to be.

Moving is an act that seems to affect all of us. The stress of feeling alone, missing "home" and changing environments affects all of us, and then like a wave, reflects off one another. We're all facing feelings of stress, insecurity and instability. This is a wonderful time of growth, challenge and development as a family, within our faith and how we operate as individuals. Though I find myself overwhelmed at moments with the consequences of our decisions, I try to remain level-headed in the fact that this work is not finished. We are only on the cusp of what lies ahead for our family. I know much good will be a result of this hard work.

...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Phil. 1:6

It's Gonna Be Great

Today is our first "normal" day in months! It feels good, actually. I'm sitting here at the table, drinking a cup of coffee. Lucas is napping and the house is quiet, minus the hum of the air conditioner.

After our "epic summer roadtrip" we were more than ready to be in a place we could call home. I think Muncie will be a fine home for us. It's refreshing to finally be in a mental and emotional place where we can let down our guard a little bit. We can relax and process everything we've experienced the past two and a half months. Keeping it together while attempting to travel, work and move all at the same time proved for Matt and I to be huge emotional challenge. It wasn't bad, just challenging.

So, here we are. Muncie feels very rural... there are fields and fields of corn stalks and soybean plants every direction out of town. With that in mind, Muncie feels like a college town too. Most of the burger joints are bars and every grocery store is filled with college kids, stocking up as they move into their new housing. There is an excitement in the air, and I can't help but love it.

Things are different and I fear we grew spoiled in Salt Lake City. There are no parks within walking distance of our house. Matt and I are going to have to seek and find the restaurants and coffee shops that have personality and a community charm. I've yet to find a grocery store that is reasonably priced, and also contains nutritious foods and ethical business practices. Salt Lake City had all the options of a large city, but was a small city within itself. Muncie does not have large city options, which means we'll learn to be creative, learn to live simply and learn to appreciate the great things Muncie does have to offer (I hope to find more of those things as we are here longer).

The weather has been divine, and in spite of the overall dryness, the grass and trees are all still very green. The skies are blue... without a hint of pollution. The clouds are fluffy and white and the wind smells sweet, like farms and agriculture (probably laced with a little pesticide... let's be honest). I think we're going to love it here. I think it will grow on us... if it hasn't already. I think we already miss our friends (deeply) and family, but with time and patience, we will suddenly realize we have new friends with new perspectives and new backgrounds; and it's gonna be great.

Beginning A Good Work

Tomorrow is my 33rd birthday. I love birthdays! They signify growth, change and new beginnings. I absolutely love new beginnings!

Ironically, I don't have vast plans or aspirations for this upcoming year. I'm not looking forward yet... I'm still looking back with a deep sense of thankfulness.

This past year was full... full of pain, disappointment and revelation. It may have been the most pivotal year of my adult life, yet; creating depth, awareness and knowledge I wouldn't have acquired otherwise.

Our marriage was rocked to levels I never imagined and in that I realized just what kind of wife I was. Or better yet, what kind of wife I didn't want to be. This painful time in my most cherished relationship opened doors of honesty, vulnerability and beauty I never thought possible. What a gift to see a vibrant, exciting future with the only man I've ever loved.

My personal self was knocked deep at the heart when I recognized my own insecurities were preventing depth and honesty in my friendships. It seemed dumb and pointless to speak of internal maturity and confidence when I myself struggled with vanity, vulnerability and grace. I had to break myself of this trap and I'm still continuing to see what this looks like on a daily basis. It takes work to be authentic, real and honest with all of my friends.

My family had always been a facet of my life that I struggled to find balance with, but once I learned to let them be who they want to be, I no longer felt this impending need to "be different." It's like the shackles of swimming upstream had been released and I could finally join those I love without being defined by them. Seriously you guys, this is a beautiful thing. I may be unique and different than those I love, but that doesn't mean I have to stop sharing life with them. It's a freedom I haven't known till now. Freedom from judgement.

These are huge defining moments for me and they've all taken place in my 32nd year of life. I've yet any idea what lies ahead for me personally, but if it includes loving those I hold dear, learning more about this weird heart of mine and creating more space in my life for what really counts, I'm looking forward to my 33rd year.

Wish me a happy birthday and say a prayer for this heart of mine. It's been worked over and I'm reaping the benefits of it from this day forward.

He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it. 
Taken from Philippians 1:6

Enjoying Every Minute Of It

I'm breathing a HUGE sigh of relaxation. Letting my hair down, if you will. Guys... I'm wearing sweats and it's five in the afternoon. All I need is a glass of wine, chocolate and a Brad Pitt movie and I'd be in seventh heaven.

Lucas took this pic as I was blogging this actual post.

We are currently in Winona, Minnesota for Matt's gig with the Great River Shakespeare Festival, and I'm just happy we made it through the past two weeks. As Matt finished up a freelance show I packed up our studio, spent quality time with friends and attempted to ready our family for our "epic summer trip." The last two days of the week included frenzied packing, loading of stuff into a storage facility and readying ourselves for a three month trip away from home.

To say I was tired would be a massive understatement. At the heaviest moment of our preparation I had an emotional breakdown... like my eyes were so puffy from crying, my friend Katie recommended Preparation H type of breakdown... but overall I was able to maintain civility throughout the trip. It had to have been God, because normally I would have no control of my emotions at a time such as this.

I'll be thanking God now. My husband will too.

So... here we are; Lucas and I. Matt's already devoting his time to his work...what a man! I'm in my sweats (as previously mentioned), watching the Incredibles on ABC Family in a very humble hotel room. I couldn't be more content as I relax, without overarching obligations and expectations. It's divine to realize my only purpose is to keep my family alive and happy. I can do that.

Tonight we will have burritos for dinner. I will not pack boxes, or organize one damn thing... and it feels GLORIOUS! Instead, I will read a book, have a Manhattan (made with High West Double Rye) and continue holding this bed down with my lazy, tired butt. Maybe I'll paint my nails. I am recuperating and I plan on enjoying every minute of it.

Questionable Parenting Skills

Guys... I had a moment this evening where I seriously questioned my parenting skills. One of those "What Was I Thinking!?" moments.

I took my child (nearly four) to the dollar theater to see Monster's, Inc and about a third of the way through, he asked to leave. 

His exact words:

"Mom, I can't look at this movie anymore. I don't want to look at it. I want to leave."

My heart fell as I quickly became aware of the fact that I had taken my child into a movie he would eventually want to leave. I was THAT parent who exposes their child to scary imagery and fails to think from the onset, maybe it'll be too much for him.

So, we left. I said: "Okay... we can do that."

Once we were out in the hallway of the theater, I explained that the movie ends "really happy" and the monsters were "nice" monsters, but he said "...not all of them. I don't like the mean monsters."

Sigh... the child watched parts of the movie on Netflix as a baby. What the heck!? 

Just to ensure we all go to bed with happy thoughts, we came home, picked out a happy movie and are now watching something familiar and light-hearted. 

For now, it's all good... but I find myself wondering if I seriously dropped the ball on this one. Should I have known the movie would be too much for him? I mean, my child had to set his OWN boundaries. Yikes! Am I a mother who is SO clueless that I realize too late that a situation is not appropriate for my child?

Maybe I just need to sleep on it. Things will look clearer in the morning, right?

For now, we'll just stick to Winnie the Pooh.

The Part Who Loves Mom

Being a mother, waking up on Mother's Day is always a treat. Especially this year. Lucas is three (almost four) and completely aware of the celebration. He wakes up, yell-whispers to Matt... "DAD! WAKE UP! IT'S MOTHER'S DAY! I WANT TO MAKE BREAKFAST FOR MOM!"... and then places a neatly wrapped present on my face. Normally, I'd be so annoyed and probably say something like: "Lucas, seriously!?" But this morning, I am proud, with a full heart and I respond with a: "Thank you honey!" 

Mother's day has taken on a whole new light for me... now that I'm fully immersed in motherhood.

The same can be said for viewing motherhood and the other mother's in my life. Specifically, my own mother.

My Mom, Judy. There is no statement that can sum her up. She is an anomaly, special in her own right and constantly keeping people on their toes. So often I find myself saying: "THAT WOMAN!" I'm positive I'm not the only person who has muttered this statement in frustration, surprise or humor. She is unique, not concerned about social norms or other people's feelings.

As an impressionable teen and young woman, this was a problem. And in full honesty, my mother and I have had our tension. There have been rough times in our relationship. Times of angst, fear, independence, and being a woman.

Years went by and I grew, matured, found some wisdom hiding in the corners of my heart, had a baby, turned thirty, was married nearly ten years and something blossomed inside of me. All of a sudden, I realized I no longer harbored the feelings I had before for my mother. I no longer blamed her, or held her responsible for my emotional failures. I could no longer point that finger of judgement.

It's as if my heart were a beautiful flower and as I grew into a grown woman, this flower opened and was finally able to feel the sun on it's petals. The warmth encouraging it to open further, revealing so much beauty inside.

Without reconciliation, I would not have seen this beautiful part of myself. The part who loves Mom.

As I venture into these parts of my life; Mother, wife, friend; I can see how my Mom has influenced who I am. How she has shaped the parts of my personality, character and heart to be quite alright.

I may not be crazy like my Mom, but I am outgoing. My fearless approach toward people has been a huge blessing, as I do not want for friends. I am surrounded by eclectic, loving, unique people...all of whom I would not be influenced by on a daily basis.

Mom loves God... and she's unabashedly honest about her faith...with anyone. I've been that kid who stands awkwardly to the side as Mom "witnesses" to a grocery clerk. Seriously, people. These were some of the most uncomfortable moments of my life, but they taught me to be unafraid of my faith. To fully claim what I hold on to and if it's working for me, why wouldn't it work for someone else. Mom taught me to share my heart with others, as it often brings peace into the lives of those who need it most.

My Mom is a fun mom. She taught me that laughter, funny stories and goofiness can happen anywhere, anytime. I take that into consideration at all times. Life is tough, full of disappointment and heartache... why not handle some of that with a little humor. It's safe to say Mom's humor is what got me through and still gets me through the day to day of life.

Mom is honest. Brutally honest. She talks about her feelings, a lot. I value this... and though I've had to tweak it a little bit, I find myself being honest like Mom. It's liberating and clears the air. It creates a clean slate and relationships that are built on truth.

We live among a generation who strives to break the mold, be different, and leave our generational hangups behind. In this time, we forget that everything we have... life itself!... is owed to our mother and father. My personality, my heart and my spirit are a mirror of my mother. I can see the sacrifice, the love, the commitment she made for me... and on this mother's day, all I can do is be thankful for the impression she has on me.

I love you Mom! Happy Mother's Day!!

Grandma and Mom. Love.

A Full Heart

We are three weeks out from our Epic Summer Road Trip and I find myself becoming increasingly more emotional about leaving Salt Lake City.

At the communion table Sunday morning Matt thanked God for the beautiful relationships we have here. Against my will, tears sprang from my eyes and I could not allow myself to think of all we're giving up.

We have a beautiful community of friends and loved ones! Why are we leaving?!

It's amazing how ungrateful I am until I realize I'm going to lose the wonderful. Suddenly, I'm so grateful I want to take all the wonderful with me.

It's shameful how I don't appreciate the friendships, the weather, the home we live in, the grocery stores... the normal. I can see plain as day how I took all of this for granted.

Except the weather, because I love the weather here. I talk about how great it is all the time.

The relationships I have here are priceless. I'm not glorifying them, because now we'll be separate and I can forget all the weird, gnarly stuff and only remember the good times. Ironically, my friends have seen the weird and gnarly in me and still claim to love me.

Not sure why... but they do.

My friend Katie who will go to Target just to grab a coffee and chat while we wander through the store with our loud kids. Emily who lets my kid throw rocks at her kids and doesn't bat an eye when he accidentally stomps on her flowers. Erin who will drive 45 minutes with her two kids to see me and speak love into my life. Haley who will call me out on my ish any day, any time... and still make me laugh with her real-to-life sense of humor. Amanda is a friend who is tender, laughs at my jokes and lets my kid shoot Nerf guns inside her house. Josie who doesn't think it's weird when I kiss her newborn as if he were my own.

There are so many who are light and love and compassion and all that good stuff that makes a wonderful friend... so many who have prayed for me, loved me, spent time with me, spoken wisdom into my life and seen me change over the course of three years.

The only thing I can be is grateful. Grateful I have had this opportunity to be changed and molded by these beautiful women. Women who have lightened the load, made me laugh and warmed my heart in only the way a friend can. I've learned more about what it looks like to be a friend, and with a full heart I'll take all these things into the next chapter of my life.