Finding Neverland In My Own Heart

After a particularly rough day with the Little Critter, I decided to relax by watching Finding Neverland on Netflix.

Now, mind you, today wasn't especially bad... but it's been a few weeks of solo-parenting, kiddo missing his dad, summer bliss, boundary breaking fun. In a nutshell, today may have been a day that broke my emotional threshold. You know, when your heart is just overwhelmed with all of it and the normal kid behavior makes you wanna cry, even though it probably shouldn't.

Finding Neverland was a good choice.

Following the dismal reception of his latest play, Little Mary, J.M. Barrie meets widowed Sylvia and her four young sons in Kensington Gardens. He proves to be a great playmate and surrogate father figure for the boys, and their imaginative antics inspire him to write a play about boys who do not want to grow up. Barrie's producer skeptically agrees to mount Peter Pan despite his belief it holds no appeal for upper-class theatergoers. Barrie places children from a nearby orphanage in the audience for the opening night show and the adults present react to their infectious delight with an appreciation of their own. The play proves to be a huge success. *Credit: Miramax, 2004

This movie struck all the chords within my heart, the first being mother. I was reminded that though kiddos have rough days (as all humans do), at the center of each child is a heart that longs to explore, be free, imagine, and learn all they can about this world we live in. Every child is Peter and the Lost Boys.  As a mother, it is my job to encourage these things within the heart of my own child and those I am called to love. Loving a child is allowing the spirit to soar, so that they may learn who they truly are within their own hearts.

As children grow and learn what it means to be human, they are forced to handle the pressures of life and this can often be overwhelming. Anyone else had a long, busy day result in tears and refusal to brush teeth? No? Hmm... must just be me.

 Life will, if we let it, snuff out the creative heart of a child and they will fight it. Finding Neverland reminded me that though the days and weeks can be grueling, they are also beautiful treasure, because often this is our kids efforts (though they're usually unaware) to take back their time, freedom and creativity.

It can be a very difficult and often impossible thing to truly "store up these treasures" or feel the "gratitude, because someday you will miss this" when the pressure of parenthood becomes a weight, but if we truly have a heart for this calling (parenting), we will be blessed with reminders of why we're going to get up and do it all again tomorrow. It's my job to advocate for the heart of my child!

I am continually having to be reminded of this. My calling as a parent is not a duty, it is a gift; a treasure.

On our roughest days, it's often wise to plop down on the couch, and find something that will remind you of your own heart, and what you believe in. Give yourself a good cry and let yourself be free to acknowledge that one bad day doesn't mean you're a bad parent. In fact, bad days give us opportunities to reevaluate and reacknowldge just why we're doing this incredibly important job.

Aggression, Messes and Yelling!

I gotta tell you guys... raising this boy of ours is a challenge! Every day feels like a fight to teach gentleness, manners, kindness, empathy, cleanliness, tidiness, respect, obedience and general social skills. On some level, I've always thought children inherited most of these life-lessons from their parents... gleaning attributes into their own lives as they live among their elders.

I cannot say this is true at this time in our lives.

Every day feels like dirt, loudness, defiance, rough housing, running, stomping, sassy talk, disrespect, disobedience, undoing everything, making messes, eating a lot, eating loudly, refusing food, demanding food, whining, chasing the cat, getting muddy, changing clothes, getting muddy again...

This boy will find a stick anywhere... it could be a parking lot, and he'll find it. Any object can be a sword and will be used as a weapon while running and jumping, nearly impaling himself, or another. I've found my child lodged underneath, beside and between things. He has hit his head on nearly everything. Smashed fingers, stubbed toes and slammed all appendages on all things.

There are many plans made. Plans for rockets ships, tree houses, forts, underground tunnels, digging lakes, adopting puppies, adopting kittens, collecting worms, feeding the birds, collecting the "worlds largest rock collection", finding dinosaurs, staying up all night, eating all the pizza, jumping the highest, running the fastest, being the sneakiest, and riding "all the animals!"

*Deep breath*

I end my days often sitting on the couch... with a cup of tea and blissful silence. After a day full of conversation, conflict, and compromise... I find myself empty. Hoping to fill my emotional tank just enough to start all over again the next day, I sit and mentally review the events... remembering the tough moments... but also remembering the sweetness.

Our boy is full of sweet. His morning greeting when he says: "Good morning mom. I love you and it's time to get up." The joy on his face when I place peanut butter and apples in front of him at the table. His giggles when we play hide and seek. The deep desire he has to be just like his Dad! I see sweetness between the hard moments... and though I often feel like our boy is too much "all aggression and messes and yelling!" I have glimpses of what his heart will always be like.

It will always be loving. Lucas will always have a heart that wants to serve others. He will always want to impress his father. Our boy's heart will always love his mother and always want to see her happy. That heart of his will always want to be adventurous and a physical challenge to make him feel like the brave soul he is!

This is the greatest challenge I've yet to come up against... this child of ours. He is opinions, and defiance and hard-headed... but the sweet, loving heart pulls me back in every time. Some days I wonder "what am I doing!?" because I am not equipped to raise this boy! But that heart... it slays me, and makes me want to try harder each day following.

Maybe, just maybe... this boy will be okay. As far as his mother goes... all bets are still out.

My Heart

I forgot to post this and HAD to include it, because seriously... look at him. I don't ever want to forget this moment in life when he's shaggy-haired, toothless, adorable, full of life, giggly, always up for a day with mom and loving life.

He's curious, inquisitive, pestering, hungry, constantly active and he is the happiest part of my heart.

Perspective Is Everything

Okay... I'm not complaining and I'm not attempting to gain sympathy from anyone... but I have to write this down, because I don't want to forget the ups and downs. Perspective is everything, right?

Right now, Lucas is insane. It seems when he hit three and a half, things really smoothed out with behavior, temperament and predictability. I reached a place as a parent where I thought: "I got this." It was nice, because for the first time I really felt like my child and I had a "working relationship".

I'm throwing all of that out the window.

What we're dealing with here is blatant disrespect, angry outbursts, defiance, aggressive behavior...sassy talk, arguing and a serious attitude problem. Need I go on? Seriously you guys... I feel like the sweet child I wrote about here is hiding in the shadows, because the current child has bullied him into the corner.

For a little perspective, I am taking into consideration the fact that we're traveling. With that comes boredom, loneliness and a general upset in routine. Lucas is a routine kid and though he is flexible, he as always thrived on predictable routine (this is actually true for all children/human beings). We've upset the balance and changed housing twice in two weeks. We've stayed in hotels. We've been trapped indoors with rain and significantly less activity than normal. We've been stuck together for nearly three weeks... no distractions, no friends. Bleh.

Another factor is that I'm rearing a boy. As he ages, I can't help but notice a toughness building in him. I seriously struggle with the loss of his baby boyness. Oh my sweet baby boy... he's turning into a big boy who resists snuggling on the couch, holding my hand and willfully doing as he's told with a trusting heart. This boy is attempting independence and it's kills me.

It's a natural process, but for those of us who a little bit more self-aware it's evident what's going on here.

So here we are. If history proves itself, Lucas will wind down and have a time of softness again. He'll be compliant and obedient and I'll think "I got this" again. We go in two week cycles, and we're nearing the end of this naughty cycle. I know we'll get back to a place where things feel easy and we get along great. We can do activities side by side (like Legos!) without it being combative or argumentative.


Now if I can just keep it together in the meantime.

The Part Who Loves Mom

Being a mother, waking up on Mother's Day is always a treat. Especially this year. Lucas is three (almost four) and completely aware of the celebration. He wakes up, yell-whispers to Matt... "DAD! WAKE UP! IT'S MOTHER'S DAY! I WANT TO MAKE BREAKFAST FOR MOM!"... and then places a neatly wrapped present on my face. Normally, I'd be so annoyed and probably say something like: "Lucas, seriously!?" But this morning, I am proud, with a full heart and I respond with a: "Thank you honey!" 

Mother's day has taken on a whole new light for me... now that I'm fully immersed in motherhood.

The same can be said for viewing motherhood and the other mother's in my life. Specifically, my own mother.

My Mom, Judy. There is no statement that can sum her up. She is an anomaly, special in her own right and constantly keeping people on their toes. So often I find myself saying: "THAT WOMAN!" I'm positive I'm not the only person who has muttered this statement in frustration, surprise or humor. She is unique, not concerned about social norms or other people's feelings.

As an impressionable teen and young woman, this was a problem. And in full honesty, my mother and I have had our tension. There have been rough times in our relationship. Times of angst, fear, independence, and being a woman.

Years went by and I grew, matured, found some wisdom hiding in the corners of my heart, had a baby, turned thirty, was married nearly ten years and something blossomed inside of me. All of a sudden, I realized I no longer harbored the feelings I had before for my mother. I no longer blamed her, or held her responsible for my emotional failures. I could no longer point that finger of judgement.

It's as if my heart were a beautiful flower and as I grew into a grown woman, this flower opened and was finally able to feel the sun on it's petals. The warmth encouraging it to open further, revealing so much beauty inside.

Without reconciliation, I would not have seen this beautiful part of myself. The part who loves Mom.

As I venture into these parts of my life; Mother, wife, friend; I can see how my Mom has influenced who I am. How she has shaped the parts of my personality, character and heart to be quite alright.

I may not be crazy like my Mom, but I am outgoing. My fearless approach toward people has been a huge blessing, as I do not want for friends. I am surrounded by eclectic, loving, unique people...all of whom I would not be influenced by on a daily basis.

Mom loves God... and she's unabashedly honest about her faith...with anyone. I've been that kid who stands awkwardly to the side as Mom "witnesses" to a grocery clerk. Seriously, people. These were some of the most uncomfortable moments of my life, but they taught me to be unafraid of my faith. To fully claim what I hold on to and if it's working for me, why wouldn't it work for someone else. Mom taught me to share my heart with others, as it often brings peace into the lives of those who need it most.

My Mom is a fun mom. She taught me that laughter, funny stories and goofiness can happen anywhere, anytime. I take that into consideration at all times. Life is tough, full of disappointment and heartache... why not handle some of that with a little humor. It's safe to say Mom's humor is what got me through and still gets me through the day to day of life.

Mom is honest. Brutally honest. She talks about her feelings, a lot. I value this... and though I've had to tweak it a little bit, I find myself being honest like Mom. It's liberating and clears the air. It creates a clean slate and relationships that are built on truth.

We live among a generation who strives to break the mold, be different, and leave our generational hangups behind. In this time, we forget that everything we have... life itself!... is owed to our mother and father. My personality, my heart and my spirit are a mirror of my mother. I can see the sacrifice, the love, the commitment she made for me... and on this mother's day, all I can do is be thankful for the impression she has on me.

I love you Mom! Happy Mother's Day!!

Grandma and Mom. Love.

Every Moment Of Tenderness

In my slack, I've failed to keep you all up to date on Lucas. Frankly, it seems as if the weeks go by effortlessly and he continues to grow into this little man child. A little man full of life, emotion and personality.

All of this is great. Lucas will undoubtably be a great man some day. He's always happy... quick to ask for a tickle or go for a run. I find myself unable to keep up with the constant chatter, activity and charm he adds to any and all situations right now.

I'm tired a lot. But, I'm encouraged that we've been blessed with such a charming boy in our lives.

Lucas is a independent kid who is constantly asking questions and seeking answers. He eagerly learns all he can about life and though we find this endearing, we find ourselves worn out at the days end. From the moment he wakes to the moment he falls asleep, he's alive, buzzing and whirring with activity.

I find myself soaking up what little bits of baby are left in our little boy, as he is quickly developing into a young man who is strong and willfully proving to the world he's ready to conquer it. I soak up the moments of tenderness when he randomly says: "I love you Mom." Or, "Mom, you're beautiful." Though I know these statements won't change in his heart, I know I'll hear them less frequently as he develops his sturdiness and strength against the world.

For now, I'll snuggle that baby boy and I'll catch every moment of tenderness possible.

When You Act This Way, You Get Nothing

Five minutes ago I endured an epic meltdown with my three and a half year old. It was unnerving, awkward and frankly, really inconvenient. To boot, it's not the first "meltdown" today. This habit of "freaking out" has become routine the past two weeks and, it's killing me.

Truth be told, I recognize this as normal. Three year olds are like baby teenagers. They're not babies, but not kids... they're in between. The ability to understand emotion is there, but they cannot control those emotions. Not unlike a teenager, this three year old goes from calm and fun to psychotic, the-world-is-ending, emotional wreck. Choices cannot be made without irrational desires (i.e. I want to make a choice, but really I want both!) and the ability to fully verbalize one's thoughts is still lacking.

I believe this leaves both of us tired.

I can see the meltdown coming... typically if there is a disagreement regarding activity or limitations. I can also typically identify why we're having a meltdown...off-routine, tiredness, insecurity, not enough attention...the list can vary, but normally, there is a good reason why we're headed in this direction.

I can do my best to divert or distract, but the value of "seeing it through" is really important. So I gird up my loins, put on my "I'm-tough-but-calm" face and I stick to my guns (even though I'm shrinking inside, because hey, I've got my own issues!).

Normally the child would cry and admit defeat. But not lately. He's ready to fight.

It takes a good twenty minutes, typically involves a spank (ugh...break my heart) and reminders that once child has decided to act this way, all choices are up to Mom. I reward nothing. He is taken away from all fun activities and I repeat this phrase every time:

"When you act this way, you get nothing."

I insist he lay in his bed (or sit in a quiet place when we're not at home) for ten minutes (I point to the clock and give him a time when he can get out of bed), or until he is calm. Ironically, he usually falls asleep. This is good, because most of the time these meltdowns happen when kiddo is tired (coicidence!? I think not!).

The part that kills me? After waking, he always says: "I'm sorry for my behavior Mom. I was being SO naughty...". Slays me. And then I wonder, "Am I doing this right!?" Ugh...

We talk and snuggle and I reward his cuteness with something I KNOW he'll love (typically a movie or a game together). Then I remind myself this will happen again... because you know, he's learning to be a human. And not just any human... a really awesome one!

Snow Days

30 Days Of Thanks - Day 14, Husband

Today... I'm publicly declaring how thankful I am for my husband, Matt. It seems cliche', but truth be told, I am incredibly thankful for who he is and who he strives to be. I tend to focus on the external aspects of Matt; the active parts of who he is... his job, his role as a husband and his activities with our son. It's so easy to be caught up in the way we serve one another, rather than the intent behind why we would serve in the first place.


Matt has always had a tender heart. As he ages, his heart has been calloused and rubbed rough... but when I stop and look at my husband I see that boyish heart. It's beating for the people he loves. It would willingly give up anything to save a loved one from pain or anguish. That heart still seeks righteousness and goodness in this rough and hard life.

Matt with our baby Lucas... 2009.

My husband is a "feelings" guy. With a tender heart comes a sensitive spirit and when Matt has the capacity, he recognizes feelings and emotions in others. Unlike many, Matt will put himself out there and ask what is wrong... ask if this person wants to talk about what is hurting ... he will open himself to vulnerability. This attribute of his is what initially attracted me toward him and eventually snagged me in for the long-haul. It's still what keeps us going some days.


Matt is committed. We've been married nearly nine years and in the duration of these years Matt has stuck with me through thick and thin. His honesty (though at times is tough to hear) is what has kept the air clear and potentially prevents baggage from creeping in. As a couple, we have our quirks... ups and downs... but at the end of the day commitment is what that brings us back together. This commitment reminds me of the love we have for one another.

There is so much more to be thankful for in this man I call my husband, but I will limit it to the above three: a tender heart, his ability to be in touch with his emotions, and his committed spirit. In marriage, we are familiar with the dark and rough parts of our partner... but focusing on the beauty enables a spirit of generosity and sensitivity toward this person we're called to protect, honor and serve.

What are you thankful for in your spouse? Who are they as a person and why does this make them special to you?

Happy Beautiful Halloween!

I just LOVE holidays... and Halloween is an especially fun one! I find this holiday particularly enjoyable, because it's meant to be shared with friends and loved ones... and it's the Fall. This season is a time of comfort, security and rest; a time to relax and just chill out!

Lucas and I spent the morning at the park with Katie and Hudson and after a wonderful time of connection, we walked amongst the leaves and enjoyed the warmth of the sun. In this time of what feels like angst and a little bit of sadness, I find myself seeking out the simple beauties in life.

I am very fortunate to be a stay at home mother, and these are the types of days when I can relish this opportunity. Not only am I able to love on my little boy every day ('cause you know it's all snuggles, all the time...right...), but I'm able to take him to the park to see the leaves and the changing of the seasons. And in doing so we have the most interesting and charming of conversations.

Today we talked about the season of Autumn... and how that means the days are shorter and the nights are colder. And when that happens the leaves change colors and eventually drop off of their limbs, landing on the ground for us to crunch and shuffle through. We talked about how Autumn means Winter is coming.

We also talked about the geese who live in the pond... and one is called a goose, but many are called geese. We talked about goose poop (because it was all over our shoes) and how goose poop is really just a lot of bugs and grass, mixed with water and mud... because that's all geese eat. Lucas thought that was pretty gross and asked why they don't go poo in the toilet like boys? I had to laugh out loud, but assured him it was a perfectly good question.

 We talked about Halloween... because the boy has been talking about it for two weeks! We talked about the plan for the rest of our day... grocery store, naptime, Halloween project, dinner and then... trick or treating! He is SO incredibly excited even though the child has never done this before. I told him we'd visit friends and say "trick or treat!" and then we'd visit daddy at work, which he was even more excited to do. Warms my heart...

Sure these are simple conversations and yes many questions can feel so so overwhelming in a day... but I'm so lucky to see the learning and growth happen right in front of me! It feels like a gift on days like these... a gift to be able to play, run, explore and learn right alongside my little boy. These are the days I'll keep in my heart always... even if it's just at the park on Halloween day. These are the simple beauties.

Grandparent Love

While In Oregon we spent a weekend with Dan and Lisa. As always, it's a time filled with good food, enriching conversation and good sleep! I don't know why, but Lucas sleeps like a rock at Grandpa Dan and Grandma Lisa's house!

 Dan bought Lucas his first T-Ball set, which is huge! It's such a special memory to have and Lucas was thrilled! These are the type of things that make family so meaningful... not the gifts, but the heart behind the gift. It's definitely one of Lucas' top favorite things to do... swing a bat!

Lots of time was spent outside... and thankfully the weather was divine! Dan was soooo patient with Lucas. He would graciously put Lucas' shoes back on, after being in the house only ten or fifteen minutes. Along with swinging a bat and playing T-Ball... Lucas blew bubbles with Thomas the Train! This was not only a bubble maker, but a train whistle... and just darling!

Our time with Grandpa and Grandma was precious... and I found myself wishing we could spend weekends in Salem more frequently. To see Lucas lavished in love and to feel supported in parenting was a heavy burden lifted off my chest... even if it was just a few days! I am a very fortunate daughter-in-law to feel so loved by my Father and Mother in law... and to have a little boy who is loved so well by his grandparents too.

Engagement

MY SISTER IS ENGAGED!

And I'm just dying from excitement. Eric and Julie are a great fit for each other and it warms my heart to envision them sharing life together.

Congrats, you two. There is so much to look forward to!

Eric and Julie. Engaged 10.27.12

Sitting Sweet

Couldn't pass this up...it's just too sweet of a moment.

Smashing, Crashing... and Cuddling

Raising a boy... there is nothing quite like it. I know some boys who aren't this way... but if a person should spend any amount of time with Lucas they'll say: "He's all boy." Literally and figuratively... yes, he's all boy.


Last night, he was in a "shootout" with the boy who was bagging our groceries. At first the gun issue was something that really rubbed me the wrong way. I was worried about the idea of guns and violence... but no matter what I did to try and prevent this fascination from developing in my child, it happened. Shooting is like, the coolest thing ever.

Lucas holding his Train Rocket Ship...of course.

We constantly talk about things like rocket ships, trains and cool trucks. While riding in the car Lucas will exclaim: "Mom, look at that!", while pointing to a crane or a cement truck.  He seeks out conversations about how things work or why things are the way they are. "What's that? is our biggest conversation starter.

My largest complaint when playing with Lucas is "being gentle"...it's a battle that seems endless. Smashing, crashing, booming and throwing are all fun in his book... but dangerous in mine. I long to have a boy who can be tender and use soft hands when handling small animals, small children and his mother. Fighting the good fight against roughness will be the end of me, for sure.

As Lucas grows, I'm continually amazed at how different he is from his niece, Brooklynn. Brooklynn is "all girl", so you can imagine how vast the differences are between the two loves of my life. That darling little girl can play with hair, clothes, makeup... all day long. Lucas could care less. And some days... having a little girl around sounds divine.

But for now... this little boy is all I have, and most of the time I'm tickled at his boyishness. His defiance, fists clenched, running everywhere and all the time. His humor and the snuggles... every day or so he says: "Mom, come... come here. Snuggle me." And then I melt and realize how much I love the boy... all of him. Dirt, scrapes, loud mouth and all.

The Sweeter Life

Pioneer Theater opens their first show of the season for this year tonight... and all I can think about is how nice it will be to have my husband back!

This week has been particularly challenging.

We don't have a car right now, so the hubs has been leaving around eight every morning to catch the bus. He works all day... and night... and then rides his bike back home around two am. Last night he was home around midnight.

Then he gets up and does it again the next day.

I'm exhausted for him... both emotionally and physically. And thankfully, a few lighter weeks are right around the corner.

I'm not going to the show tonight, which is fine. But on some level it's always been nice to commence these rough weeks with dinner and an evening together... even if it's still at work. And these weeks have been rough! I enjoy reconnecting and finding a sense of "us" again on Matt's last night of a show...

But we'll spend the evening apart again... and begin our "normal" routines tomorrow morning. We'll have breakfast, go for a walk and get to all the things that are put on the back burner while hubs is slaving away at work.

I'm thankful for hardworking husbands, paying jobs and our adorably unique life... but I'm even more thankful for the time we have together when all of these things separate us for a time. I think it's safe to say that distance does make the heart fonder, and though it takes selflessness and a vision for the big picture, the time spent apart reminds me just how much sweeter life is when Matt is around.

Three Years Old

It's unbelievable to me... but Lucas has turned three! I swore I wouldn't get emotional this year, but it seems nearly impossible not to grieve the loss of babyhood while welcoming boyhood. With the entry of maturity, goes the exit of innocent. Sigh... what's a mother to do?

July 2011

This past year has been a really big year for Lucas and I wish I had made more of an effort to secure special developments in my memory. Lucas has developed from a little two year old... chewing on toys, throwing food and just learning to talk... into a boy who kicks soccer balls, plays hide and seek and tells me he's feeling frustrated. It's remarkable, frankly. The emotional development has been exponential and this is where my heart grows heavy. We see him growing up and talking like a boy...gaining the ability to articulate his feelings. Sigh... while this is great, it's also a mark of maturity and only can be developed with age.

July 2012

Yes, our boy still asks to snuggle (I will truly grieve the moment when he chooses to NOT snuggle), asks for kisses on his owies and looks to us for constant approval. He's still learning the fine art of self control and social skills, while pushing our buttons and infuriating us. But, he's the apple of our eyes... and as he grows, continues to cause Matt and I to look at one another in complete love and admiration of this beautiful child of ours. How lucky we are to have such a handsome, smart and loving little boy. 

 
Happy third year of life, Lucas. We love you to the moon and back.

Sunny Easter Sunday

As Christ followers, we gladly celebrate and honor Easter Sunday. It is a beautiful thing to believe in a self-sacrificing god and after this day, I am always left with a strong feeling of gratitude.

Being near family this year was a real treat, even of I did miss my friends and community in Salt Lake! Even still, Lucas was able to enjoy the holiday treats and festivities with his cousin Brooklynn and we've yet to do that till now.

It would have been a perfect day if we were with Matt, but I can't overlook all the fun we had in the beautiful sunshine, the meaningful church service and time well spent with those we love!

Grandpa Dan & Grandma Lisa

Lucas and I had a fun day in Salem yesterday!

Becca...Is...Engaged!

My longtime friend, Becca... is... engaged! Woo-hoo! I couldn't be happier for she and Brandon (and little Matthew). Love is grand and worth celebrating! Hope you guys can celebrate as much as possible these days!

Cute!

Lucas affectionately remarked "cute!" when asked what he thought of his cousin. I'd say we all agree.