Thirty-Five Years Old: I'm Perfectly Imperfect

Three weeks ago I celebrated my thirty-fifth birthday, and I'll be honest... this season of my life requires less validation, perfection and tidyness. My thirties are clearly my best time of life yet, and as I edge closer and closer to my forties I do believe they'll trump this decade with even betterness (I know... bad grammer). The forties will have to wait... I'm busy enjoy my thirties.

I recognize that this year in particular has been a huge year of growth, and maturity for me. It has been a rowdy, messy and really emotional (that last one probably doesn't come as a surprise to most of you) year. 

It is often painful when change is effectively taking place in the heart of a person. It is for me. In the midst, change feels real, honest and freeing; scary, vulnerable and messy. In January I acknowledged my lifelong struggle with depression. When you put a name on something, it becomes real, and for me, the depression took a dark turn. It was like for the first time I didn't run or hide... I stood in the wake and felt all the feels. In the midst of those feels, I recognized how deep this illness has crept into my life; how it defined all the many parts of me and how I acted (or reacted) out my every day. I could no longer be defined by depression. 

Among all of these revelations about myself and my psyche, it became evident that I needed to stop the attempt at perfection. Good enough is good enough. It takes practice to leave the house without makeup or showering, to let the house be messy when friends come over, and to wear the same pants every day for a week, because I'm tired and there aren't any clean ones. It takes discipline to believe that all the imperfect things in my life do not define me as a person. Sure, perfection has it's appropriate place in everyone's life, but when that perfection is not achieved it's okay. I can try again tomorrow, or the day after that.

The irony? When I'm good to myself, I'm good to others; and all of that feels good.

Anyway, here I am... thirty-five years old! That seriously sounds old, you guys. The most darling, sweet thing: my husband says I look young for my age. I'll take it! Ha ha... the irony of that is, I don't really care about my greying hair, my sagging eyelids, and crows feet. Vanity seems to have taken a back seat for awhile. While she's back there, I'll continue to work on my heart and soul, because as most of us know, the seasons of darkness comes and go. Learning to keep myself on track while facing the dark is a challenge I just may have mastered by the time forty-five rolls around; and if not, I'll try to have it mastered by fifty-five. 

 

At the end of the day, we're all enough.

It's Friday (started this on Friday...)  and like most, I'm attempting to get through the final day of the week. My body resisted climbing out of bed this morning and I found myself worn out from being "on point" all week (let's be honest... I was never on point at any point this week).  Fridays are like, "If I can just make it through one more day..."

Ironically, with Matt's schedule lately, it's been endless days of "if I can just get through one more day..." 

At points, I recognize survival is the only goal for the day, the week and often, the month. Get through it. Meals, clothing, tidy house, school work, few social obligations.... do it all over again. It can feel mind-numbing and often incredibly isolating. The monotonous day in and day out of a noble motherhood experience, and yet... there is always someone, somewhere telling me I should be doing more.

This is a trap; the feeling of needing to do more. I fall into it daily.

I'm told I should be doing more situps to achieve that flat stomach. I should be doing more meditation to give the world more of an open heart. I should be reading the Bible more often, to enrich my spirit. I should be praying for my husband, my child, my family, my friends, my pastor, my neighbors, my church, my kids' friends, their families.... I should be eating healthier food. I should be reading more self-help books. I should be reading more fiction! Dangit, I should start a book club. I should go for a run, because nothing is healthier than a strong heart and cellulite-free thighs. I should be participating in a women's club. 

This is just the tip of the iceburg... I could name 100 more things I should be doing as a mother, a teacher, a wife and as a friend. The list often feels endless.

If I'm being honest, I've attempted to imagine accomplishing all of those things I'm told are good, and right and noble. Daily, I beat myself up for not completing my mental to-do list and monthly I recount all the failures I've stacked against myself. Annually, I look back and see only the "important" things I didn't do... the goals I didn't achieve.

This horribly destructive pattern is tearing me apart, and I can bet I'm not the only one out there trying to keep up. 

What if I laid down all the stuff that doesn't really matter? What if I focused on the things that do matter? Stuff like, playing with my kid and laughing with my husband. Creating wholesome meals that are tried and true...nothing fancy or over-the-top expensive. What if I focused on my child's character building through relationship, instead of pushing memory verses on him daily? What if I accepted myself the way I am, and then learned to love myself... instead of believing I should be firmer, thinner, prettier...smarter?

Sigh... deep breaths and let's take a minute to think about all the expectations we set for ourselves.... and then imagine how many of those expectations really matter to us. Like, REALLY matter.

I am trying to let go of all the obligitory expectations (it's a slow process, mind you), and as I do so I am realizing it becomes easier for me to see evidence of the things I am doing right. Clearing the air allows me to see where my real values lie... and then, in turn, I am able to invest in those things that matter to me the most. Ignoring the expecations the world dumps in my lap, gives me head space to foster and nurture the values we hold most dear to in our own family. 

It's a daily battle to simplify, especially when I've been in my head for years. Trying to be better is often a trap that is measured against the impossible, and though it is noble and right to want to improve on ourselves, we have to accept that we can only do so much. 

Instead of keeping up, I'd like to thrive. If thriving means only doing a few things a day or setting smalls goals that are truly acheivable for the time of life I'm in, then I'm on board. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not enough, I'm not accomplishing enough, and I'm not good enough. At the end of the day, we're all enough. We have only ourselves to give... and that, my friends is enough.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith. This is not from yourselves, but a gift from God; not by works, so that no one can boast.

-Ephesians 2:8

Do The Work and Find A Therapist

Photo: Yumi Kim

January is by far my least favorite month of the year. Some would think it's great... starting over, fresh beginnings, and nothing to plan for. For me, it's bleak.

This particular January has been a rough one. I've come to accept the fact that I cannot manage my depression on my own. It's a day to day basis, and frankly I've had more bad days than good ones the past six weeks... or the past year... or maybe my entire life? It's all in question right now.

Christmas was beautiful... my parents came to Muncie, and we celebrated in such meaningful ways. Togetherness is something that always touches my heart, and having them here for a couple weeks was an incredible gift!

In spite of the festivities, I still had this cloud of grey over my heart. It seems, I cannot remember a time when I was genuinely happy, or light-hearted. It seems everything is weighted or heavy-laden... tainted with some kind of sadness. I am unable to truly be free. At times, I've felt this happiness people speak of, but just as I seem to get a grip, it is lost again.

I am unsure why I'm sharing this.

This morning I did the easy thing... I lost it on my husband. Just ugly crying, slinging judgement, accusations, resentment, blame... all of the ugly came pouring out. Everything I've fought years to learn to control came tumbling out. There was no hiding everything that has been my heart. I caught a glimpse of myself and was immediately ashamed of how far I've let myself go. How far I've slid from the woman I know I really am.

This is where guilt, shame and embarassment reside. We're all very familiar with one another... they and I.  

After Matt left for work, I did my own work and found a therapist. The sense of relief was slight, but it was there. 

Right now the tears are partially for my brokeness, but mostly for grace. I've felt lost, but truly in my heart I know I am never lost. I am known, loved and wanted. I know this, but I don't feel it. I don't know why, but I'm rewarded with an incredibly patient husband, and friendships with whom I can be honest.

I look at others and often wonder: How are they so free?

Monday will be a step in the right direction... a step toward healing. Not just temporary healing, but life-changing, mending the broken pieces, becoming whole again, healing...freedom. 

  

Difference In A Day: What I Do When I Start To Feel Low

Today is grey and cold. I feel that way a little bit inside too... like, inside my heart or my spirit... or wherever we feel our feelings. I feel kind of blah today.

This week has been a little low for me, to be honest... and when I feel low, I just want to sit around and do nothing. So instead of doing nothing, I've tried to stay busy with this and that. Here are a few ways I keep myself from diving deeper down:

• Craft time. Pull out paper, glue, scissors, doo-dads (I had buttons), sparkles and go for it! Be creative, have very few boundaries and see what happens. I made a few cards and Lucas created the cutest little crocodile I've ever seen!
• Cooking. I've severely cut our grocery budget this past month (because yikes!), which has resulted in creatively making meals and snacks with pantry items I already have. My favorite is to make baked goods using substitutions like peanut butter, bananas and non-dairy nut beverages. It's fun, and there are always delicious treats as a result!
• Writing. I've written a blog post on disappointment, but have yet to post it online. Still in the works.... Writing is a great way to clear my heart and head. Often I keep the writing private, because if we can't be fully honest in our thoughts, then it's not helpful to our hearts. 
• Nutrition. When I'm feeling low I can often see patterns that have led up to a bad day. Too much sugar, inconsistent meals, lots of caffeine, and not enough wholesome foods. In addition to cleaning up my food habits, I tend to add things like lemon water, turmeric tea and smoothies to my diet. Usually within a couple days, I feel better... mostly.
• Naps. For some... naps are not a good pattern to get into when suffering from depression. This can lead to avoidance, withdrawn behavior patterns and apathy... resulting in more depression. For me... a nap can help jump-start my late afternoon and evenings. As a mother and wife, I often feel weary and worn down. The day in and day out of constantly serving can lead to emotional and mental weariness. A nap can feel like a break for my brain and body in what often feels like a long day.
• Movies or series. I'm not gonna lie... on days when Lucas lays down for his own nap, I get excited to turn on the tv and watch whatever interests me that day. Sometimes it's a documentary, and other times it's something frivolous and silly. Whether it's a good laugh or a good cry, it's a distraction from my internal dialogue, responsibilities and again, what feels like a day of serving others non-stop.
• Something physical I can do indoors. I typically choose yoga, but sometimes prefer pilates, a game of hide and seek with the kiddo or just a tickle fight. Whatever gets the blood moving, always helps.
• Reading. Lately, reading has been a little bit more challenging. Not sure why... but my focus hasn't been what it usually is. That being said, reading can be a great little escape when you have a few minutes here and there.
• Reading something inspirational. For me, it's usually something spiritual, but we all find inspiration in different ways and whatever makes us feel like we've got the umph! to put another foot in front of ourselves, do it.
• Looking at funny things on the internet. I'm not gonna lie, you guys... sometimes I go on Pinterest and look only at the "humor" section. Because some days... that's what it takes. Plus... you can always send the pins to your friends and then you have someone to laugh with! Laughter increases special hormones in your brain, and then... you feel just a little bit better.
• Talking to friends. When I feel crappy, I email my bestie and text my sis. Always cheers me up. In addition, I try and FaceTime, Gmail Chat and be in touch with people who are both encouraging and honest. The temptation to withdraw and stay private has to be resisted, especially when a good chuckle or a sweet story from a trusted friend can make all the difference in a day.

Everyone has things they like to do, but depression can distract us from holding on to our "hobbies." Often, I just sit and dwell in my thoughts, which is super unhealthy for me. My internal dialogue isn't always in a good place and I find myself feeling convinced of things that are severely untrue (feelings of worthlessness...etc.). Staying busy can really help get us through the "dark times" and though we should remain self-aware, making efforts to do the things we enjoy can make a huge difference in a day.

Blessing In Spring

It's Sunday afternoon and as big chunky snowflakes fall I find myself internally rolling my eyes and thinking: "Not again... when is it ever going to end!?" Winter... it's lasting forever this year. This Winter, or so I've been told, has been unusually frigid, dark, snow-packed and long. It's been one helluva Winter!

As I sit huddled in front of this space heater, in an effort to warm my toes, I can't help but compare this winter to my heart after our last move to Muncie. Moving is so hard, you guys. And this... from a gal who has moved... let's see... um, eight times since I was young (moving when you're young counts, because it changes you). That's a few times and at this point you'd think I'd be good at this relocation business. Well, lemme tell you... I'm not. In fact, I think it's harder every time!

Moving can leave a person feeling depressed. In fact, if someone tells me they have moved (to a new state/country) and they don't feel sad, lonely or low... I figure they're either incredibly unselfaware (this is not a word, I know), or lying. There is no way the human heart can go from a place of attachment and familiarity to aloneness and not feel something in their heart. No way!

Depression can feel like Winter... cold, isolating, lacking in color, lonely and trapped. It can leave you feeling like: "What's the point? Why do I even keep at it? Will Spring EVER show?"

Indeed. Spring is always around the corner. And without Winter... there is never a Spring. Truth.

See, there is always hope in the relief and warmth of fresh days, and it is just beyond the horizon. This HAS to end at some point. It can't last forever. It just can't....

As I hold on to the hope of Spring, I can now pull the shades and see the meaning of Winter/Depression. It is not just a cold, bleak time... but a time to hunker down and observe what has importance in life; real importance. When we are in a season of darkness, it is an opportunity to look toward our Creator and the promise to us of better times. We look to the Creator when we are unsure where we fit, or what purpose we serve. The Creator offers us meaning, love, and identity at the core.

Only the Creator can offer this identity. Not our friends, our families, our church, our jobs, our hobbies, our sports, our gardens, our children, our pets... nothing, but God. Sure, these things can add to our identities, but they do not define it. They do not create our core. God created our core from the moment we were birthed... our core was filled with meaning, love and identity... and that is something that is often lost when we are filled with attachment and familiarity to the World. We allow ourselves to be distracted by things that hold little importance compared to the love of our Creator. Taking these things away though relocation is an opportunity to find our core again. To find the love again.

Now, don't get me wrong. If you are in a time of attachment and familiarity, and this is where God has placed you... live it up! Those of us weathering a Winter are envious of the warmth, encouragement and fullness you experience during this time of your life, because it's great! The Lord bless you in this time!

For those of us barely making it through the rough patch, Spring can only come when we've weathered a Winter. Some of us have harder Winters than others, but find blessing in that too. We must have hope that our God is great and he will see us through with his love. This is a time in which I find my core and let it bathe in the warmth of Spring. A time of blossom and enrichment. It's going to be a beautiful and loving Spring!

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven; Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted; Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the Earth; Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled; Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy; Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God; Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the children of God; Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you, for great is your reward in Heaven for in the same way they persecuted the prophets before you. - Matthew 5:3

Life Within

As all family situations would be, when one person is struggling... everyone struggles. Especially the kiddos. Children are flawless examples of the ripple effect. Their seemingly "normal" behaviors can be examples of hurt, loneliness, misunderstanding, and basic internalization of emotion. Children have a narcissistic view of the world, therefore believing everything is about them... including their parent's feelings.

As I have been navigating all my feelings and emotions this Winter, I can't help but be sensitive and aware of Lucas' heart. This boy feels hard and deep! I love him for it... but also find myself nervous that somewhere I'm failing. Don't we all feel this way!? Help! Someone tell me how to raise this child... someone!

Sigh....

On the flip side, there is SO MUCH to be thankful for in this child of ours. He is beautiful. Seriously you guys... we have a beautiful child, inside and out! He's handsome with his big brown eyes, smooth skin and thick dishwater-colored hair. So handsome, that one.

His heart... where do I start?!... it's big, open, sensitive and intuitive. Lucas' heart is full of wild wonder; constantly seeking answers and approval. This child... he wants to be a part of all things big and wonderful. He wants to be seen and understood. I don't think this desire will change within him. He will always fight to be understood.

Lucas is full of life! He runs and jumps and hurdles and rolls with all his might. He finds sticks, rocks, bugs, dirt, mud and water... and will be fully engrossed for all of time, if allowed. He loves critters and just wants to play! Lucas has a light behind those big brown eyes... it's full of smiles, laughter, loud talking, belching... that light is life!

I love these things and more in our son. He is truly special to us... like no other boy I've known. He's uniquely made.

So often we don't talk about parenting while in the midst of depression or emotional lows. How does a parent care for a beautifully full child, when they themselves feel as if their tank is empty? Often I feel this way... and I have no advice. These are moments when I turn to prayer, devotion toward something that fills me (poetry or scripture), and a form of physical activity that leaves me feeling rejuvenated. Also, counseling. Parenting without solid, safe advice seems impossible. I couldn't do it.

Being aware of our own feelings allows us to be intuitive to our children's feelings. When we see our kids' hearts, we see them for what they need and who they are... at the core. I see my child's beauty, light, and life within!



I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. - Psalm 139:14

Vulnerability

There really isn't anything quite like confessing your heart and in return being encouraged by SO MANY people... it's humbling, really. There has been both and prideful and insecure part of myself that knew all along... all I had to do was ask for support, prayer, a phone call, a care package... and it would be there. But, we live in this world where we're afraid to be vulnerable.

Definition of Vulnerability: Easily hurt or harmed physically, mentally, or emotionally.

No one really wants to put their feelings out there, if they fear a negative reaction to their vulnerability. Often, people see confession or honesty as a moment of weakness, but right now... it's the strongest I've felt in months. I feel the strength to overcome insecurity and preconceived notions about "feeling low" or "low grade depression." I am strong enough to not care whether or not people see me as a victim or an over comer... because right now it's about being well.

It would be kind of great if we could be MORE HONEST about our feelings. You know why? Because we all deal with this stuff. These grey days that won't lift. The feelings of numbness. The thoughts that make us feel crowded and heavy. There is no weakness, because we all deal with this darkness on one level, or another. Some of us are carrying heavy burdens and others carry lighter ones... but we all carry it.

Let's talk about it more. I'm gonna talk about it....

"Scare the World: Be exactly who you say you are and tell the truth." -Iaian Thomas, I Wrote This For You

"No legacy is so rich as honesty." -William Shakespeare

Better Days

It's embarrassing how long of a gap has gone between my last post and this one. The pressure to keep up a blog can be heavy... especially for a person like myself: perfectionist, type-A, consistent and slightly concerned about what others think. At the end of the day, I know I should blog... talk about life... keep in touch... post beautiful photos of my beautiful child and family and share our life with the people who love us.

But when you're depressed, all priorities change.*

Yes. I've been depressed. Some days it's "feeling low" and other days it's "just me getting out of bed is an accomplishment" kind of day. Thankfully, I've been able to maintain the status quo and shower and get my kid to school and make meals and keep the house tidy... but at the heart of things, I've felt empty, low, sad, bored and just unhappy.

This is a really hard way to live life, and it's not really working out. I think I've come to terms with that. Living day to day and recognizing things are not getting better.

I guess this isn't so much of a confession as it is a plea for support, love, and understanding. I know I'm not the only person who felt deep sadness in this helluva winter we had (because good Lord, Indiana!) and I know there are reasons I feel low (isolation, loneliness, homesickness...). But sometimes knowing why still doesn't do the trick. Snapping out of it just isn't the answer.

I'm on the track toward better days and I really hope I can use this blog as a way to be honest about life for myself and my family. Because, there have been SO MANY GOOD THINGS going on! I don't want my inability to process my feelings to get in the way of sharing good things.

Here's to being honest. And here's to reaching out.

*If you're feeling depressed, please seek help. Whether it's with a friend, a pastor or a counselor... please find someone to talk to. It will make a HUGE difference. If you're having feelings that include hurting yourself or taking your own life, please call this number immediately: 1-800-273-8255