Season Of Sadness

Wandering through a season of sadness is confusing. It seems, some have wisdom and insight as to how The Creator is working in their lives in that very moment. The rest of us, when going through emotionally straining times, ask: "What is this purpose!?"

I introduced Sharon to you a couple months ago. Small recap: She seemed to have suffered from a fairly major stroke, and a few smaller strokes to follow. Early on, recovery seemed possible.

Presently, Sharon is suffering her final days with brain tumors.

Without details (because they just don't matter at this point), my friend Sharon is slipping farther and farther from us; closer and closer to The Lord.

I've put off this blog post for some time now... because how do you write eloquently, clearly, concisely when you feel deep pain in your heart? So often, our pain comes bubbling up... messy, all over the place and just... badly. There is a vain part of me that wanted to keep it "locked down", because that's just prettier.

But, now it's time.

Daily I go and visit my friend, who is currently being cared for by her husband. Every day I see Sharon's body crumbling little by little. Her speech is gone, she is incontinent, one side of her body is limp, she is unable to walk, she cannot feed herself... but when she sees me... she smiles. To see her eyes light up, brings my heart more joy than I can express in words. We hold hands, I kiss her face, massage her shoulders and speak words of assurance that "...though this time of life is hard, there is SO much good ahead of her."

It's as if that human connection of truly serving another's heart is what matters more than anything in the world.

My heart aches from loss. How easy it is for us to feel these connections are ours to keep. Rationally, I say: "This beautiful friend of mine... who loved me through a cold and dark winter... Lord, I give her to you... because, she is yours." Emotionally I say: "No... don't take her from me. She is wise, beautiful, and mine... she is mine. She is my friend and I don't want to be without her."

It is so easy for me to be selfish.

My heart... it has much to learn and it seems, that even in this blog post, I can identify one point. This connection, it's The Lord's. And I can't hold on to it forever.

As I wander through this season of sadness, I ask the Lord to bring peace, wisdom and love to everyone affected by Sharon's sudden turn toward eternity. As the Lord is close to her in this time, I pray his peace transcends all understanding (or lack thereof) and fills her heart (and ours!) with joy for what is waiting (eternity with her creator!).

Blessing With A Big Heart

Every day I count my blessings. Well... maybe not count them, per say... but I'm aware of them and every day I notice new blessings I failed to recognize the day before.

Early Winter, I was given a gift in the form of a friend who happened to live next door! Sharon is a strong, independent, seventy year old woman and we first met while shoveling snow. About two feet of snow, to be exact. She genuinely came to my driveway, took off her glove (because she's a lady with manners!) and shook my hand while introducing herself. We exchanged pleasantries and after she walked away, I felt a pull or a tug, or a nudge, or something in my heart saying: "Invite her over!"

I did. I spoke up, saying: "Sharon!" As she turned around... I said, "Would you like to come over for coffee one day next week? I have very few friends here in Muncie, and you're very kind, and you live next door!"

She chuckled and agreed. I was excited.

Her first visit felt natural... like we'd known each other for years. She brought me a "housewarming" gift, and I made scones. We talked for hours and as she readied herself to leave, we hugged... both thankful to have a friend in such close proximity with so many kindred qualities. How is it possible a woman of immense grace, wisdom and kindness could have such a spark with me!?

 Sharon's visits have been a weekly occurrence since January, and I have to say, it's been an immense blessing. Sharon has listened to my heart, offered advice, loved on my kiddo, brought food over, helped me paint my house, met both my mother and mother-in-law, shared her story with me (my favorite!) and made me feel valued in her own life. It's amazing how much of a difference one person can make in the life of another, and Sharon has done exactly that for me.

Sharon is a blessing with a big heart.

This past week, Sharon suffered from a stroke and though she is at home now, the injury has taken parts of herself that allow her to love others in her special way... like her speech. My heart felt the blow and my breath caught in my throat as her kind husband told me what happened over the phone, because... well... it just sucks. I felt shocked and painfully aware of how much I care for my friend.

 Sharon is a woman of great strength and dignity... sharing her gifts and talents in this community. She has served those who are unwell and loved on those who need love. She is an immense gift to all of us, and when we grow to love a person like Sharon, we too feel her pain in our own hearts. I feel her loss. I also feel the hope of recovery, but right now... I feel the loss.

As we learn more about what has happened to Sharon's body and mind, I can only hope we can serve her just as well as she has served us. To give her the feeling of being loved and valued... treasured. To remind her that she is special, not for all the things she has done for us... but because her spirit is unique, loving and tender. As Sharon copes with and learns to recover from her injury, I hope to remind her that she has been one of my biggest blessings in my own life and will continue to be so. She is my blessing with a big heart.

Difference In A Day: What I Do When I Start To Feel Low

Today is grey and cold. I feel that way a little bit inside too... like, inside my heart or my spirit... or wherever we feel our feelings. I feel kind of blah today.

This week has been a little low for me, to be honest... and when I feel low, I just want to sit around and do nothing. So instead of doing nothing, I've tried to stay busy with this and that. Here are a few ways I keep myself from diving deeper down:

• Craft time. Pull out paper, glue, scissors, doo-dads (I had buttons), sparkles and go for it! Be creative, have very few boundaries and see what happens. I made a few cards and Lucas created the cutest little crocodile I've ever seen!
• Cooking. I've severely cut our grocery budget this past month (because yikes!), which has resulted in creatively making meals and snacks with pantry items I already have. My favorite is to make baked goods using substitutions like peanut butter, bananas and non-dairy nut beverages. It's fun, and there are always delicious treats as a result!
• Writing. I've written a blog post on disappointment, but have yet to post it online. Still in the works.... Writing is a great way to clear my heart and head. Often I keep the writing private, because if we can't be fully honest in our thoughts, then it's not helpful to our hearts. 
• Nutrition. When I'm feeling low I can often see patterns that have led up to a bad day. Too much sugar, inconsistent meals, lots of caffeine, and not enough wholesome foods. In addition to cleaning up my food habits, I tend to add things like lemon water, turmeric tea and smoothies to my diet. Usually within a couple days, I feel better... mostly.
• Naps. For some... naps are not a good pattern to get into when suffering from depression. This can lead to avoidance, withdrawn behavior patterns and apathy... resulting in more depression. For me... a nap can help jump-start my late afternoon and evenings. As a mother and wife, I often feel weary and worn down. The day in and day out of constantly serving can lead to emotional and mental weariness. A nap can feel like a break for my brain and body in what often feels like a long day.
• Movies or series. I'm not gonna lie... on days when Lucas lays down for his own nap, I get excited to turn on the tv and watch whatever interests me that day. Sometimes it's a documentary, and other times it's something frivolous and silly. Whether it's a good laugh or a good cry, it's a distraction from my internal dialogue, responsibilities and again, what feels like a day of serving others non-stop.
• Something physical I can do indoors. I typically choose yoga, but sometimes prefer pilates, a game of hide and seek with the kiddo or just a tickle fight. Whatever gets the blood moving, always helps.
• Reading. Lately, reading has been a little bit more challenging. Not sure why... but my focus hasn't been what it usually is. That being said, reading can be a great little escape when you have a few minutes here and there.
• Reading something inspirational. For me, it's usually something spiritual, but we all find inspiration in different ways and whatever makes us feel like we've got the umph! to put another foot in front of ourselves, do it.
• Looking at funny things on the internet. I'm not gonna lie, you guys... sometimes I go on Pinterest and look only at the "humor" section. Because some days... that's what it takes. Plus... you can always send the pins to your friends and then you have someone to laugh with! Laughter increases special hormones in your brain, and then... you feel just a little bit better.
• Talking to friends. When I feel crappy, I email my bestie and text my sis. Always cheers me up. In addition, I try and FaceTime, Gmail Chat and be in touch with people who are both encouraging and honest. The temptation to withdraw and stay private has to be resisted, especially when a good chuckle or a sweet story from a trusted friend can make all the difference in a day.

Everyone has things they like to do, but depression can distract us from holding on to our "hobbies." Often, I just sit and dwell in my thoughts, which is super unhealthy for me. My internal dialogue isn't always in a good place and I find myself feeling convinced of things that are severely untrue (feelings of worthlessness...etc.). Staying busy can really help get us through the "dark times" and though we should remain self-aware, making efforts to do the things we enjoy can make a huge difference in a day.

The True And The Questions: Guest Posting

I do not deserve this honor, but my good friend Katie asked me to "guest post" on her blog. She asked if I could provide some type of insight regarding being a stay at home mom. I don't feel like I have anything special to contribute, but willingly took the challenge to articulate my thoughts on the subject at hand.

So, today she posted it and here it is in all it's glory: The True And The Questions, You ARE the Boss

Katie has become one of my best friends here in Salt Lake City, and I gotta tell you folks... she's real, honest and unabashedly herself. I LOVE that about her. Her willingness to be a wife and parent who is true to herself is a beautifully unusual thing. Katie speaks her mind and it's glorious!

Thanks be to Katie for inviting me to speak my own mind on her blog. I encourage you to check it out and participate in this ongoing conversation about what it means to be a stay at home mom.

Katie can be found on Twitter and HERE. 

Baby Animals and Tender Spirits

The wonders of Spring... flowers, warm weather, pasty skin... and baby animals!! 

Erin and I go to Heritage Park every year (even though we're unsure why) and we always have such a great time! We ride the trains, pet baby animals, picnic and watch our kiddos play together without a care in the world. 

It's a delight to savor these sweet and simple moments. I was able to catch a few pics of Lucas coo'ing at the baby animals and it melted my spirit. As he grows into a little boy, I'm finding his heart to be SO soft and tender toward little things... babies, kittens, puppies...bugs, worms and birds...pretty much anything small. 

Sometimes the simplest things are the moments in which we see our little ones blossoming into the sweet spirits we've always dreamed them to be. I never imagined Lucas would be so tender toward little animals, and yet here we are.

Delightful.

The funniest thing about this photo is... Lucas sat down, but the baby goat was trying to eat his shorts, so Lucas was only sitting on one cheek to try and avoid having his shorts be a part of snack time. He was very concerned.

A Full Heart

We are three weeks out from our Epic Summer Road Trip and I find myself becoming increasingly more emotional about leaving Salt Lake City.

At the communion table Sunday morning Matt thanked God for the beautiful relationships we have here. Against my will, tears sprang from my eyes and I could not allow myself to think of all we're giving up.

We have a beautiful community of friends and loved ones! Why are we leaving?!

It's amazing how ungrateful I am until I realize I'm going to lose the wonderful. Suddenly, I'm so grateful I want to take all the wonderful with me.

It's shameful how I don't appreciate the friendships, the weather, the home we live in, the grocery stores... the normal. I can see plain as day how I took all of this for granted.

Except the weather, because I love the weather here. I talk about how great it is all the time.

The relationships I have here are priceless. I'm not glorifying them, because now we'll be separate and I can forget all the weird, gnarly stuff and only remember the good times. Ironically, my friends have seen the weird and gnarly in me and still claim to love me.

Not sure why... but they do.

My friend Katie who will go to Target just to grab a coffee and chat while we wander through the store with our loud kids. Emily who lets my kid throw rocks at her kids and doesn't bat an eye when he accidentally stomps on her flowers. Erin who will drive 45 minutes with her two kids to see me and speak love into my life. Haley who will call me out on my ish any day, any time... and still make me laugh with her real-to-life sense of humor. Amanda is a friend who is tender, laughs at my jokes and lets my kid shoot Nerf guns inside her house. Josie who doesn't think it's weird when I kiss her newborn as if he were my own.

There are so many who are light and love and compassion and all that good stuff that makes a wonderful friend... so many who have prayed for me, loved me, spent time with me, spoken wisdom into my life and seen me change over the course of three years.

The only thing I can be is grateful. Grateful I have had this opportunity to be changed and molded by these beautiful women. Women who have lightened the load, made me laugh and warmed my heart in only the way a friend can. I've learned more about what it looks like to be a friend, and with a full heart I'll take all these things into the next chapter of my life.

Empowering Words Of Wisdom

Over the course of the past two years I started a little semi-annual clothing exchange for the gals at church. It's so rewarding to finally have found something that gets SO many girls together. True, we're not obviously worshipping the Lord... but we are together; laughing, eating and finding cute clothes! I find these parties are such a great time of encouragement for most everyone.

Last night my heart was warmed by a friend with whom I haven't had the opportunity to talk with in months! It's sad really, but our lives are constantly running on different tracks... so it just happens. 

She asked about our upcoming plan to move to Indiana. I told her the details and as usual she asked how I felt about everything. I was honest and told her that I am feeling torn between joy and heartache. Aren't all the great things in life hard? She smiled like she does and said: "Yes." And then I told her that  I'm a seasoned "mover" and even though it never gets easier, I know better what to expect. That's often one of the most difficult parts of moving... the insecurity and anxiety of expectations.

In moving I know to expect loneliness and friendlessness. I expect long weeks without heartfelt face-to-face conversations. It's natural and without these seasons of desert times we don't appreciate the seasons of harvest and rain (thank you Beth Moore for this spiritual visual).

After discussing this with my sweet friend, she replied: "You know Beth, you're really great at putting yourself out there. You just open yourself up and make yourself available for friendship. It is a great thing to have something like that in your personality when you have to uproot and start again."

Excuse me while I wipe the tears away from my eyes...

I'm not sure if anyone has encouraged me in such a way before I take a leap of faith in my life. After hearing this, I realized I haven't always been this person. I haven't always been outgoing, brave and confident. I was the girl who relied on invitations and being included. I worried about the thoughts of others or opinions of who I appeared to be.

These words of wisdom were not only flattering, but empowering. It's a beautiful thing when a friend can empower you to be who you're good at being, and send you out into the world in confidence. 

I was quickly pulled away and our conversation ended... but her words will never leave me; or my heart. I'm sure she didn't intend to come to the party to impart heavy words of spiritual guidance on me, but our sweet moment together changed how I see myself. Rarely do we change the way we envision ourselves... especially for the better.

I'm going to hold on to this forever.

I'm a little less worried about finding friendship, community and other women in our new town. If I'm open and warm and "make myself available for friendship" I imagine God has some pretty awesome relationships in store. And those relationships will be opportunities to speak wisdom into each others lives, just as I have experienced recently.

Although, every friendship leaves a mark on your heart... that never goes away. So yea...

 

Fun Memories

Per usual, I took a number of photos in Portland and for the sake of memories, I'd like to post them.

Aunt Julie teaching Lucas the art of self-portraits.

We made valentines.

Lots of time in the backyard.

Spent some quality time with these two! <3 br="">

Wrestling with Papa.

Snowshoeing

This past weekend I went on my first snowshoeing adventure ever! It was a short little afternoon jaunt, but so fun!

A few girl friends from church graciously invited me and after wrangling up a set of shoes, a pair of snow pants and a little courage, I jumped in!

We headed up to a canyon just outside of the city, where fresh air was bound to be had. The inversion in the city right now is brutal... leaving many of us with coughs, head colds, and asthma type of symptoms.

The cool air was fresh and the company was great. There is something about being in areas of wilderness and quiet. The only sound to be heard was the bubbling creek and the occasional crack of a tree.  Loved it!

Predictably, I was the only person who took photos... since most of the gals I was with are avid snowshoers. They're out all the time and see the clear air often. I hope to be that way too.

You see that nasty air in the valley... yea, that's Salt Lake Valley. And we're breathing that into our lungs every day right now.

Myself, Josie, Amanda, Rochelle, and Becky.

You're Great.

You know, it's great having a friend with whom I can sit and talk with for hours... even though we haven't done that for months. I have a few friends with whom this is true and they're truly special.

Isn't it great to be able to pick up where we left off? To talk about ourselves, our lives... to let the tears come and the laughter roll. To bake cookies together and it be a natural process of switching from stirring to pouring to dishes. And then eat, of course.

I just adore my friend. She is one that has accepted me for who I am. She encourages the woman in me to be brave, honest and vulnerable. Oddly enough, I value those things in her too.

It's too bad we can't spend more days like these together. I'm going to savor this one for awhile.... at least until we can do it again. In like, a few months.

Dear Josie. You're great.

30 Days Of Thanks - Day 28, Community

Today we had a friend come over and play for a little bit... and what a treasure he is! His Mamma brought him over while she went and had her hair cut and it was the highlight of my day!

That being said, she sent me a text this morning that said "Huds has a runny nose... are you still comfortable with him coming over?" Isn't she sweet? Of course I said, "Yes!"

To be fair, we're around kids all the time and seriously... I have a three year old. The child would lick an escalator at a moments notice. I'm not too worried about cold germs.

Perspective, people.

Anywho... when Katie came in the stress was evident on her face... and she continued to apologize and ask if it was still okay and how she felt like such a "bad mom"...

But really, it was okay. That Mamma needed to get out and get herself a haircut. Even thirty minutes of no baby can be SUCH a relief. I wanted that for her.

Poor Huds... he's definitely sick... sneezes and boogers and coughing. But don't all babies get sick? Don't they all cough and have boogers? Oh well...

He was precious. We snuggled, and laughed at the cat and chewed on everything (those things have been quarantined)! It was such a delight to rub those soft curls on his head while he drank his bottle and see him smile at me when we made eye contact.

Just... melts... my... heart.

Then Katie returned and I gave her snotty, sleepy little guy back to her. Assured her again, it was a treat. And who knows? Lucas or I may have a little cold to fight off this coming week... but it's inevitable. And frankly, I'd rather catch a cold from sweet, adorable little Hudson than an escalator any day.

Today, I'm thankful Katie allowed me to love on her precious little boy. I'm thankful Katie trusted me, went out on a limb and allowed herself to "burden" me with her snotty little man. Isn't that what we do in community... in family? We carry each other's burdens, willingly. And when it's willingly, it doesn't feel like a burden at all. It feels like a blessing... for all of us.

Bear one each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. - Galatians 6:2

30 Days Of Thanks - Day 7, Friends

Today I am thankful for my friendships. This is no light thing, people. I have been blessed with some pretty awesome folks in my life and even better, I've been blessed with friends I would consider sisters.

There is nothing sweeter than having a friend who listens to my complaints, and still treats me the same... knowing the complaints don't define my actual heart. There is nothing more precious than having a friend who understands the sadness that sometimes overtakes us. The friend who can laugh at me, and I know she's genuinely laughing with me. And the friend who has forgiven me, in spite of myself.

The thought of going through this life without close friends seems unbearable. Only having acquaintances seems bleak and cold... and meaningless. Friendship adds joy, depth and meaning to my days. I can honestly and fully recognize how lame my life would be without them.

I truly owe a large portion of my happiness to many of my dearest, loveliest and tender friends.

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
John 15:13 

Snuggling a Sweet One

Baby Isaac has been a blessing for our hearts while here in Portland. I couldn't be happier for Jacob and Rashelle, as they've been blessed with a sweet, precious, tender baby boy. He is perfect.

Now, to get as many snuggles as possible before heading back to Salt Lake!

Precious Bundle of Love - Isaac Walker

Here are a couple pics of that little pumpkin who was born this past weekend.

Isaac Walker

Bright eyes!

He clasps his hands while sleeping and it's just too much cuteness!

Rashelle was sweet enough to keep me in the loop, even though we're hundreds of miles apart. This little guy is being welcomed into this world with so much love and tenderness and I thank the Lord for a safe and fairly drama free labor and delivery.

Congrats Jacob and Rashelle. May the Lord continue to bless your precious family of three.

My Lovelies

Life is full of ironies. One friend getting married this weekend, one having her baby today, and another recovering from a miscarriage.

Life is full if joy, hardship and tragedy. All of which require character, friendship and faith.

My heart rejoices, prays for and grieves with three of my Lovelies this week.

Cuties

Rashelle and I took a midday trip to see the Tulip Festival with the kiddos (again, this was while we were in Portland). We couldn't have asked for a prettier day!

Baby Bee Is On His Way

While in Portland, I was able to throw Rashelle a baby shower...which was such a treat! I am very sad to be missing her pregnancy and birth, but so very pleased to have been able to bring friends together in celebration of this upcoming arrival.

Here are some pics I thought I'd share with you:

Brandon and Becca

My longtime friend Becca had herself a quick wedding while we were out in Portland. Thankfully, a few of us were able to attend together, which made it all the more fun.

Many wishes for happiness and joy to Brandon and Becca, as they begin a new life together!

Always A Treat

It was a busy weekend, but one  of the highlights was spending an evening with these gals. We try and go out every month or so and it's always a treat! We all have varying backgrounds, jobs, interests and lifestyles... but when we're together it's always a time of laughter, bonding and genuine friendship. I can't imagine Salt Lake without em'!

Emily, Stephanie, myself and Haley

Becca...Is...Engaged!

My longtime friend, Becca... is... engaged! Woo-hoo! I couldn't be happier for she and Brandon (and little Matthew). Love is grand and worth celebrating! Hope you guys can celebrate as much as possible these days!