Reasons of Vanity

Awhile back I wrote my thoughts regarding motives and how all too often I use diet as a means of attempting to look or feel the way society dictates I should look. If you forgot, it's here. Well... I've fallen off the wagon and it's all for good cause... but I'll be the first to admit that it's for reasons of vanity.

I have acne and it plagues me. Literally. Thank God in Heaven it's only on my face, but everyone... everyone!... sees my face. I'm thirty years old and for the love of Pete!, I still have acne... possibly worse than my teens or college.

So in spite of all my desires to be content in the way I am, I cannot, will not, have not been content with my pizza face (yes I said it). Wearing makeup only exacerbates the problem and even then it's like holding a sign above your head that says: Yes I'm Wearing Makeup Because I Have Cursed Skin, thankyouverymuch.

I've tried every cosmetic product under the planet (within reason)... masks, lotions, facial peels, organic, all-natural, oil-free.. blah, blah, blah... and still, it's an issue. So if nothing topical works, then maybe, just maybe it's internal.

Who would think!?

Yes. That's how I'm thinkin. So I weaned myself off coffee. Yup. I did it. I went from a HUGE three-cups of coffee a day to nothing, nada, zilch. It took about a month total, but I started with just one cup a day then slowly went to a smaller cup and eventually only half of a small cup. Now I only brew coffee for Matt in the morning, not me.

There are lots of theories out there regarding nutrition and your skin and most of them disregard any type of nutritional therapy altering your skin in a positive way... but I seriously doubt that. Afterall, we are what we eat, right? And I have a theory that my acne is hormone related and since caffeine is a stimulant, wouldn't it stimulate certain hormones in my system (like adrenaline)? Right. So if I cut back on the stimulants and attempt to get my hormones in balance, maybe, just maybe... the acne will ease up.

Now I'm hooked on this gem of a treat:

Stash Lemon Ginger Tea

"I'm thrilled to be drinking this tea! Can't you tell?"

Now... to get rid of the skin problems that make me look like I never take a shower!

*The above photo is INCREDIBLY forgiving and I have NO idea how that happened. My acne is typically on the sides of my cheeks and chin... so maybe I should always have my picture taken at this angle and with a cup (or any inanimate object) in front of my face.

Borderline Crazy

I'm just going to go ahead and tell all of you that I've been home alone (excluding yesterday) for a week... and we're going on another week (which means I get borderline crazy). And to boot, one of my favorites is in Portland. So yea... to combat my loneliness, I will be blogging more.

Last week I was sick; really sick. You know that kind of cold that makes you grumpy/sad/lazy/ugly? Yep, I had it. So I refrained from blogging all the grumpy/sad/lazy/ugly things I could have shared. You can thank me later.

But this week... I'm feeling good! And in an effort to stay positive and "plugged in" I will be sharing more.

I would like to apologize in advance.

I should mention that I haven't been technically home alone. Matt has been working a lot and that means coming home around 3:00a. The poor boy has been getting four hour nights. Shameful, really. But once this show is up (Friday!) he'll be able to sleep the entire weekend and maybe (just maybe) we can include him in some fun activities (I'll be sure to blog about those too!).

Mommy's Little Helper

I am an internet-surfing, blogging, chatting, Googling, discussion-boarding mom. I spend a great deal of time on the internet some days and often find that it's difficult for me to stave off checking my email until the Little Critter is down for nap time or asleep for the evening. I'm a junkie.

Yesterday I read this article and it seriously started the wheels turning in my own head. The article discusses the issue of being a mother and being on the internet. More specifically, it discusses the social expectations for mothers regarding the internet, yet no societal attention is given toward fathers who spend time on the internet. I couldn't help but agree with Jana's thoughts. What the heck!?

But my wheels were turning in another direction and not in such a complex way. It had never occurred to me that this was a problem for some women... maybe even myself. Like I said above, I put in my time and run the usual internet track from Gmail to Facebook to Blogger and if I have a little bit of extra time I peruse my favorite Blogs or even do a little shopping on Amazon (love it!). And yes, I will admit that I sometimes do all of this while Lucas plays in his room or watches part of a movie.

*I am currently writing this during his nap, so all of you Judgy-McJudgers can stop judging me!

Some Moms would say that my lack of attention to my child and my fixation on the computer makes me neglectful and irresponsible. But my rebuttal is: What about dishes or baking or chores? Am I neglecting my child while doing housework? And I go back to Jana's thoughts about roles and society's expectations of what being a mother looks like. If I choose internet over dishes, does this REALLY make me a less caring mother?

Others would argue that being a person means giving yourself permission to whatever the hell you want with your day (within reason). Just because you're a mother does not mean that you are shackled to societal expectations of what a good mother is. When I think about societal expectations of women in general, it scares me. And as mothers it should be an internal decision about how we spend our time, not society's choice.

Like anything in life, internet time in excess can lead to greater problems. Like any addiction or vice, we have to evaluate if it interferes with the values we own and goals we want to achieve. I want to be an excellent mother; teaching my child right from wrong, loving him to the best of my ability and instilling a healthy sense of self-worth. If the internet is getting in the way of my ability to love and teach my child, then I will be the first to step away. But, I also believe it's healthy for my child to see me do the things I enjoy. If I give myself permission to do the things I enjoy, won't I also be teaching him the same value?

I would LOVE to hear your thoughts....

The Heart Of This Thing

Matt encouraged me to talk about a little recording project we're taking on, although "putting it out there" really makes me nervous. Yes, I have lots of experience working in vocals and such, but I find myself feeling especially insecure about my voice. My worst fear is appearing vain.

It seems silly, but I find that it is so attractive to me when a person can talk about their passion or gift without batting an eye. They discuss with others their abilities or opportunities that have come as a result of their gifts. I on other hand, find myself feeling especially insecure talking about my love of music and my constant desire to use my gift of vocals.

What if people think I'm a diva?

What if I really suck but no one has the nards to tell me to my face?

What if I appear to be egotistical or selfish?

These thoughts run through my mind and often shroud out my desire to be a part of something magical or meaningful. I am the last person to volunteer for opportunities so as to not communicate over-eagerness. I am constantly second-guessing my own heart.

This album we're working on is an effort for me to rewrite my vision of myself as a musician and to present my heart in a way that represents the Spirit of my gift. It is an opportunity for me to focus on the music without the watchful eye of others or the voice of those who don't understand that music isn't just about the performance, but more about the heart of those performing.

Seasonal Blues

This season between Winter and Spring has been a challenging one for me. The ground is wet with snow and the days have been more frequently gray. The cold is chilling my bones and cracking our skin. We're ready for some warmth.

Life at home has been up and down too. The transition into toddler life for Lucas has been one week on and one week off. The past few weeks have run together as rough weeks and admittedly I didn't have the strength to blog about anything. I find myself feeling defeated and run down, which isn't something you want to dwell on when you're in the midst of emotional chaos.

So here we are... The start of a new week and even though the weather is dark and cold, my heart is feeling renewed and revitalized. Lucas is content and seems to be in an "on week". This is great. My goal is to maximize this time of learning and exploring for him as we all try and recover from last week (As I write this, he has been momentarily placed in timeout.... so life is far from perfect... but better than it was).

So for the time being, I'll post a couple cute pics we snapped over the last few weeks:

Lucas is all about wearing hats, shoes.... pretty much anything of ours he can arrange in his own body. He looks great in the boho hat... especially with the dorky Onesie turtleneck and grey pants. Matt dressed him that day... I take no responsibility.
And... he's really big into waving now too. He waves at animals... even the stuffed ones.

Our dear child... naked... frolicking on our pillows. One can't help but cringe at the thought of naked bottom and "business" right where we put our heads at night. Lovely.

Ummm... that would be sugar glaze on his face... from the doughnut holes we snacked on.

This is the Wasatch Front which Salt Lake backs up to. I snapped this while running errands two weeks ago.

Motives

If you know me at all, you'll know I'm slightly obsessed with health and wellness. I am aware of the newest trends in diet and fitness and constantly find myself interested in detoxes and fasting. Every couple months I tell myself I should try vegetarianism or a gluten-free diet or something totally obscure that will definitely bring a health I can't obtain with my current lifestyle. Right now, I am abstaining from diary, hoping to have a result that will ensure less acne. Case and point.

The past couple weeks I've really had the idea of motives on my brain and heart. What are my motives? What drives me to make the choices I make? What are the compelling reasons I live the way I do and are they healthy, wise reasons? Are my motives honest and pure?

When I think about American consumerism I instantly think of beauty, materialism, and relationships; in that order. Amongst other passions of the American palate, it seems as if these three values are our top motivators and we truly believe that if we have those three values covered, we'll be happy. We're inundated with advertising and social expectations to adhere to these values. The media we're exposed to tell us happiness and joy will abound as a result. We all believe this... on some level.

Deep down we know this isn't the case and that our real joy comes from the Lord; knowing he loves us and wanting to love him in return.

I've been examining my own life and noticing trends within my own heart. Every other week I set new goals for my diet... and this typically happens after I see myself in the mirror... or I try on a pair of jeans that are too tight... or I spend time with my skinny friends (you know who you are!)... or I watch the Today Show and see a transformation episode. And BAM! It's so clear to me that my motives for health and wellness aren't just that... they're pressure I'm putting on myself to be something different; something prettier or skinnier or sexier than I already am.

I ask myself, when am I going to believe in myself? When am I going to see myself through the lens of Christ? When will I accept myself as the woman God intended me to be? And why is that so hard to do? When will I learn to just love God in return?

In this season of Lent I am not giving anything up (which is the Lenten tradition and a huge temptation for those of us who would LOVE to lose that last 10 pounds), but focusing on my motives. Seeking penance for my misguidance is key.

See...Christ died for our sin... for my sin. He gave himself in a horrid, loving way and sacrificed his own flesh so that we would be able to be in the presence of God... holy and blameless. My own flesh is weak and in spite of this beautiful gift of grace I still see myself through a sinful lens. A lens that tells me I'm not enough and if I am skinnier, I will be acceptable and lovable. If I have a flawless complexion, I will be blameless and attractive. If my diet is weird and challenging I must be a good person after all.

I want to understand the love of God and be able to share that with others. But how can I do that if my motives are in the wrong direction? My love is selfish and egocentric. This is not how God loves. It is my goal to love myself in a way where God shines through. Accepting the gift of grace and allowing myself to be exactly how God intended is how I want to love others, by showing them (and myself) that we are acceptable only when we accept ourselves.

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. -Galatians 2:20