Thirty-Five Years Old: I'm Perfectly Imperfect

Three weeks ago I celebrated my thirty-fifth birthday, and I'll be honest... this season of my life requires less validation, perfection and tidyness. My thirties are clearly my best time of life yet, and as I edge closer and closer to my forties I do believe they'll trump this decade with even betterness (I know... bad grammer). The forties will have to wait... I'm busy enjoy my thirties.

I recognize that this year in particular has been a huge year of growth, and maturity for me. It has been a rowdy, messy and really emotional (that last one probably doesn't come as a surprise to most of you) year. 

It is often painful when change is effectively taking place in the heart of a person. It is for me. In the midst, change feels real, honest and freeing; scary, vulnerable and messy. In January I acknowledged my lifelong struggle with depression. When you put a name on something, it becomes real, and for me, the depression took a dark turn. It was like for the first time I didn't run or hide... I stood in the wake and felt all the feels. In the midst of those feels, I recognized how deep this illness has crept into my life; how it defined all the many parts of me and how I acted (or reacted) out my every day. I could no longer be defined by depression. 

Among all of these revelations about myself and my psyche, it became evident that I needed to stop the attempt at perfection. Good enough is good enough. It takes practice to leave the house without makeup or showering, to let the house be messy when friends come over, and to wear the same pants every day for a week, because I'm tired and there aren't any clean ones. It takes discipline to believe that all the imperfect things in my life do not define me as a person. Sure, perfection has it's appropriate place in everyone's life, but when that perfection is not achieved it's okay. I can try again tomorrow, or the day after that.

The irony? When I'm good to myself, I'm good to others; and all of that feels good.

Anyway, here I am... thirty-five years old! That seriously sounds old, you guys. The most darling, sweet thing: my husband says I look young for my age. I'll take it! Ha ha... the irony of that is, I don't really care about my greying hair, my sagging eyelids, and crows feet. Vanity seems to have taken a back seat for awhile. While she's back there, I'll continue to work on my heart and soul, because as most of us know, the seasons of darkness comes and go. Learning to keep myself on track while facing the dark is a challenge I just may have mastered by the time forty-five rolls around; and if not, I'll try to have it mastered by fifty-five. 

 

At the end of the day, we're all enough.

It's Friday (started this on Friday...)  and like most, I'm attempting to get through the final day of the week. My body resisted climbing out of bed this morning and I found myself worn out from being "on point" all week (let's be honest... I was never on point at any point this week).  Fridays are like, "If I can just make it through one more day..."

Ironically, with Matt's schedule lately, it's been endless days of "if I can just get through one more day..." 

At points, I recognize survival is the only goal for the day, the week and often, the month. Get through it. Meals, clothing, tidy house, school work, few social obligations.... do it all over again. It can feel mind-numbing and often incredibly isolating. The monotonous day in and day out of a noble motherhood experience, and yet... there is always someone, somewhere telling me I should be doing more.

This is a trap; the feeling of needing to do more. I fall into it daily.

I'm told I should be doing more situps to achieve that flat stomach. I should be doing more meditation to give the world more of an open heart. I should be reading the Bible more often, to enrich my spirit. I should be praying for my husband, my child, my family, my friends, my pastor, my neighbors, my church, my kids' friends, their families.... I should be eating healthier food. I should be reading more self-help books. I should be reading more fiction! Dangit, I should start a book club. I should go for a run, because nothing is healthier than a strong heart and cellulite-free thighs. I should be participating in a women's club. 

This is just the tip of the iceburg... I could name 100 more things I should be doing as a mother, a teacher, a wife and as a friend. The list often feels endless.

If I'm being honest, I've attempted to imagine accomplishing all of those things I'm told are good, and right and noble. Daily, I beat myself up for not completing my mental to-do list and monthly I recount all the failures I've stacked against myself. Annually, I look back and see only the "important" things I didn't do... the goals I didn't achieve.

This horribly destructive pattern is tearing me apart, and I can bet I'm not the only one out there trying to keep up. 

What if I laid down all the stuff that doesn't really matter? What if I focused on the things that do matter? Stuff like, playing with my kid and laughing with my husband. Creating wholesome meals that are tried and true...nothing fancy or over-the-top expensive. What if I focused on my child's character building through relationship, instead of pushing memory verses on him daily? What if I accepted myself the way I am, and then learned to love myself... instead of believing I should be firmer, thinner, prettier...smarter?

Sigh... deep breaths and let's take a minute to think about all the expectations we set for ourselves.... and then imagine how many of those expectations really matter to us. Like, REALLY matter.

I am trying to let go of all the obligitory expectations (it's a slow process, mind you), and as I do so I am realizing it becomes easier for me to see evidence of the things I am doing right. Clearing the air allows me to see where my real values lie... and then, in turn, I am able to invest in those things that matter to me the most. Ignoring the expecations the world dumps in my lap, gives me head space to foster and nurture the values we hold most dear to in our own family. 

It's a daily battle to simplify, especially when I've been in my head for years. Trying to be better is often a trap that is measured against the impossible, and though it is noble and right to want to improve on ourselves, we have to accept that we can only do so much. 

Instead of keeping up, I'd like to thrive. If thriving means only doing a few things a day or setting smalls goals that are truly acheivable for the time of life I'm in, then I'm on board. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not enough, I'm not accomplishing enough, and I'm not good enough. At the end of the day, we're all enough. We have only ourselves to give... and that, my friends is enough.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith. This is not from yourselves, but a gift from God; not by works, so that no one can boast.

-Ephesians 2:8

Do The Work and Find A Therapist

Photo: Yumi Kim

January is by far my least favorite month of the year. Some would think it's great... starting over, fresh beginnings, and nothing to plan for. For me, it's bleak.

This particular January has been a rough one. I've come to accept the fact that I cannot manage my depression on my own. It's a day to day basis, and frankly I've had more bad days than good ones the past six weeks... or the past year... or maybe my entire life? It's all in question right now.

Christmas was beautiful... my parents came to Muncie, and we celebrated in such meaningful ways. Togetherness is something that always touches my heart, and having them here for a couple weeks was an incredible gift!

In spite of the festivities, I still had this cloud of grey over my heart. It seems, I cannot remember a time when I was genuinely happy, or light-hearted. It seems everything is weighted or heavy-laden... tainted with some kind of sadness. I am unable to truly be free. At times, I've felt this happiness people speak of, but just as I seem to get a grip, it is lost again.

I am unsure why I'm sharing this.

This morning I did the easy thing... I lost it on my husband. Just ugly crying, slinging judgement, accusations, resentment, blame... all of the ugly came pouring out. Everything I've fought years to learn to control came tumbling out. There was no hiding everything that has been my heart. I caught a glimpse of myself and was immediately ashamed of how far I've let myself go. How far I've slid from the woman I know I really am.

This is where guilt, shame and embarassment reside. We're all very familiar with one another... they and I.  

After Matt left for work, I did my own work and found a therapist. The sense of relief was slight, but it was there. 

Right now the tears are partially for my brokeness, but mostly for grace. I've felt lost, but truly in my heart I know I am never lost. I am known, loved and wanted. I know this, but I don't feel it. I don't know why, but I'm rewarded with an incredibly patient husband, and friendships with whom I can be honest.

I look at others and often wonder: How are they so free?

Monday will be a step in the right direction... a step toward healing. Not just temporary healing, but life-changing, mending the broken pieces, becoming whole again, healing...freedom. 

  

Here's to September in Indiana.

Oh August! Where have you gone!? 

The past month seems to have just flown by... I blinked and there it went. We are fully immersed in September, and there is a faint waft of Fall in the air. Change was on the horizon and now it's fully descended upon us, whether we like it or not.

Matt has completed his first full show of the year (Next To Normal), and per usual, he was stretched thin. While accomplishing that, he finished the sound design and editing of a full length documentary (The Hatfield Project), out of Portland, Oregon. Needless to say, Matt's last week of August and first week of September were busy! The adjustment in our home has been a deep challenge, and no matter how hard I try and prepare myself for this annual transition, it still slams me down and steps all over my face.

One of this years I'll finally get the hang of it.

Lucas and I are full swing into school here at home. It's been nice to have structure in our days again. I find myself REALLY thankful we're home this year for school as we're able to enjoy this season, the weather, and various activities we have around town. Our Little Critter is full of life! He is busy, silly, and a real active learner. Most of our "lessons" come from nature walks, playing games, and moving our bodies! I find myself exhausted at the end of the day from endless talking and ceaseless movement. His wonder for life right now is continually laced with joy, excitement and eagerness. I am always having to remind myself that "it won't always be like this, so enjoy it while it is!"

School work with Keith Richards.

After we finish Math, we go for a walk and have a little fun outdoors.

I've decided to be busy this Fall, even though it goes against everything in my personal values. For Lucas we have Tap Dance (I know! I'm excited to see how this goes...), Piano Lessons, Homeschool PE, and Soccer. It's no coincindence these are all kinesthetic classes, because IS IT POSSIBLE TO WEAR OUT A FIVE YEAR OLD!? Some days I wonder...

Matt's activities are work, and then a little bit of work, and just a smidge of work.

My activities include a couple social groups. It's been my goal to try and plug into Muncie as a community... to find those pockets of people who are really loving this community into the place she's intended to be. In addition, I've recently joined a professional choir here in Muncie. The Masterworks Choral group should be a great place to meet both professional and art-inspired people who enjoy the gift of vocal performance. 

In the Winter, when it's bitter cold out, we're planning our holidays, and eating a lot of carbohydrates, we will scale it all back. Only do one or two activities and really focus on hibernating (I say this jokingly, but really... let's be serious. I'll be hibernating).

As we prepare for cooler weather, I still continue my yard and garden ventures. It seems I could be in the yard every day, all day... and still have more to do! Thankfully, I enjoy it and find it intensely relaxing. Except, the mowing half an acre with a push mower. That's tough.

Kitteh likes to spend time in the backyard too!

My Rose of Sharon continues to bloom, and as she does so, she adds so much beauty to our back yard.

This beauty is called a "resurrection lily" and just literally appeared out of nowhere! She's just as fragrant and beautiful as can be!

We have had the fortune of having an abundance of hummingbirds this summer!

So... August is gone and September is here. A lot has happened, and as I mull over my feelings, my heart, and my desires for this school year, I can't help but feel lucky. Each day slips by full of learning, gardening, house work, meals, and home-life. All these hats I wear often feel heavy. In spite of the heaviness, I see how many gifts I have and I cannot deny how fortunate I am for this time in our lives.

 

Last Weekend Of Summer Break

This is the last weekend of our summer for the year. Matt starts school next week and from that point forward, every waking moment will be consumed with responsibility for things outside of our home.

Most of you know how stressful and consuming Matt's job can be, so when I say that I'm seriously grieving the loss of summer, you may understand. Things change, and having experienced this transition for nearly ten years, I know how challenging it will be.

That being said, it's been a great summer in our new home, new town (Muncie still leaves a lot to be desired) and with new friends. To be honest, it's my nature to think of all the things I wished for and haven't accomplished: camping, kayaking, fishing, hiking, exploring and such; but when I focus on what we gained this past summer, I couldn't be more thankful.

The past month has been full of naps, snacks, impromptu projects (we almost have the whole interior of our house painted!), sleeping late, thrift shopping (our favorite), eating lots of good foods, hanging with friends, gardening, and long talks of schemes and plans (my favorite!). I feel it's in these times of relaxation when our family is most whole. We don't really need "activities"... we just need togetherness.

So here we go! On to a new year of making income, creating programs, shaping young adults lives and careers, learning new things and most of all, hanging in there! Every school year is yet another opportunity to learn how to truly be partners and a family unit in the midst of life.

Summer Fun... and a Little Bit of Honesty

In spite of all the things (homesickness, sadness, grief and general malaise), this has been a great summer, thus far. We are seriously SO lucky to have such a great yard and home right now!

It brings me immense joy to see our Little Man climbing the tree, running through the sprinkler and doing laps around the yard, all the while laughing uncontrollably.

There are days (like yesterday) where I just feel ungrateful, thankless and wanting for more of the lifestyle (or a different lifestyle than we currently have) that I convince myself will supposedly make my life easier/more beautiful/fun... you name it.

But today, sitting out underneath the tree, drinking my homemade frozen strawberry lemonade (I win at some things), watching our hilariously goofy and happy child... I realize how good things are. So good.

Honesty? I am very aware of how my emotions change from day to day. I'm always very aware of how fortunate I am for grace...

Anyway... here are some funny pics of our happy little critter playing in our really big (and awesome) yard!

Ps. When I have to mow this lawn, I curse at it and sort of don't love it as much. Again, day to day... emotions and grace.

Sigh...

This Morning Is Different

It's a fresh morning, here in Muncie. There is something wonderful about getting up early, and today my morning brings thunder, wind, and rain. As I sit here at our kitchen table, I can see our freshly cut lawn, Lucas' adorable tree swing and the leaves blowing the wind. It's as if the bright summer sun took a break and allowed the clouds to roll in... giving all of us a small reprieve from the normal morning bustle.

These are moments I am thankful for. Often in motherhood, it can feel as if I'm on a carousel. We go round and round with days that are fairly similar in fashion. After too many roundabouts, I start to feel anxious, jittery and uneasy. I begin to hear my inner thoughts saying things like "this is not fulfilling" or "I'm bored, and that means this job I'm doing is not important."

What!? I know... negative self-talk. Just stop it, right? Right.

This morning is different and it's confirmation in my heart that even nature needs a break from the mundane. That beautiful summer weather was getting real mundane (listen to me!...I can't believe what I'm saying). And it's true; no matter how beautiful my life is, I need a break sometimes. I listen to the negative, focus on my inadequacies, and somehow convince myself that things should look different.

Sure, sure, sure... we all need breaks. I can say it, and even believe myself when I say it, but when the hubs tells me to "take a break," I immediately feel guilt and all the feelings that hang out with guilt. That darn guilt! Where does it come from!? Why should I feel anything negative when I am refilling my emotional tank? Sigh...

As I grow through this motherhood gig, I've learned to push those thoughts out. Ignore them. Deny them. And then, find truth! Finding time and space in my day to fill myself with truth, goodness, energy, and life is the ONE thing I SHOULD do. Meeting with The Creator, taking a nap, stopping to write blessings, eating a popsicle WHILE sitting down, calling my sister... these are all things that fill my heart, and enable me to feel joy and continue the journey of motherhood, wife, woman, sister.... you get the idea.

Loving these two... it's my favorite thing to do.

The routine must continue, because I've committed my life to serving in love (and I'm grateful for the
opportunity), but thank God for the small (or big) moments that cause us to stop and refill ourselves with goodness. I hope this post encourages someone to stop in their day today and fill their tank a little bit; to feel the rain on their face, watch their favorite episode of Arrested Development, thank God for a few blessings, order the sweetened coffee instead of the black, eat another bowl of berries, go ahead and take that nap, call a longtime friend, go for a jog, do some crafting (and make a mess!), sing your favorite songs, read an extra chapter in your book, or kiss your spouse a little longer when they come home.

Without the little blessings, the carousel continues and we grow weak; we believe the lie that we're not enough. We miss The Creator's moments to bless and enrich our hearts, and then, we never see the blessings to praise him for; the sweet, tender moments in which we know we are deeply loved.

"Jesus fill me. The Holy Spirit is our Steady Comforter and our Ready Reminder." 
Lysa TerKeurst, Am I Messing Up My Kids

Spring!

Today is Earth Day, and I've gotta tell ya... It's a beautiful Earth Day here in Indiana! Spirits are high, the sun is shining, the birds are singing and the grass couldn't be greener.

Spring is a wonderful time of year. It has lifted my heart to a place of hope, and for this I couldn't be more grateful.

I had to get out and take a few pics this afternoon... because I just can't forget how sweet Spring is... the dainty flowers, the fresh dirt, the blue skies, the white toes and the dandelions! Oh the dandelions. They're everywhere.... and they're darling! Even if some people consider them a nuisance...

Thank God for Spring!

I just LOVE taking pictures of the kiddo's toes. Aren't they adorable!?

Blessing With A Big Heart

Every day I count my blessings. Well... maybe not count them, per say... but I'm aware of them and every day I notice new blessings I failed to recognize the day before.

Early Winter, I was given a gift in the form of a friend who happened to live next door! Sharon is a strong, independent, seventy year old woman and we first met while shoveling snow. About two feet of snow, to be exact. She genuinely came to my driveway, took off her glove (because she's a lady with manners!) and shook my hand while introducing herself. We exchanged pleasantries and after she walked away, I felt a pull or a tug, or a nudge, or something in my heart saying: "Invite her over!"

I did. I spoke up, saying: "Sharon!" As she turned around... I said, "Would you like to come over for coffee one day next week? I have very few friends here in Muncie, and you're very kind, and you live next door!"

She chuckled and agreed. I was excited.

Her first visit felt natural... like we'd known each other for years. She brought me a "housewarming" gift, and I made scones. We talked for hours and as she readied herself to leave, we hugged... both thankful to have a friend in such close proximity with so many kindred qualities. How is it possible a woman of immense grace, wisdom and kindness could have such a spark with me!?

 Sharon's visits have been a weekly occurrence since January, and I have to say, it's been an immense blessing. Sharon has listened to my heart, offered advice, loved on my kiddo, brought food over, helped me paint my house, met both my mother and mother-in-law, shared her story with me (my favorite!) and made me feel valued in her own life. It's amazing how much of a difference one person can make in the life of another, and Sharon has done exactly that for me.

Sharon is a blessing with a big heart.

This past week, Sharon suffered from a stroke and though she is at home now, the injury has taken parts of herself that allow her to love others in her special way... like her speech. My heart felt the blow and my breath caught in my throat as her kind husband told me what happened over the phone, because... well... it just sucks. I felt shocked and painfully aware of how much I care for my friend.

 Sharon is a woman of great strength and dignity... sharing her gifts and talents in this community. She has served those who are unwell and loved on those who need love. She is an immense gift to all of us, and when we grow to love a person like Sharon, we too feel her pain in our own hearts. I feel her loss. I also feel the hope of recovery, but right now... I feel the loss.

As we learn more about what has happened to Sharon's body and mind, I can only hope we can serve her just as well as she has served us. To give her the feeling of being loved and valued... treasured. To remind her that she is special, not for all the things she has done for us... but because her spirit is unique, loving and tender. As Sharon copes with and learns to recover from her injury, I hope to remind her that she has been one of my biggest blessings in my own life and will continue to be so. She is my blessing with a big heart.

Difference In A Day: What I Do When I Start To Feel Low

Today is grey and cold. I feel that way a little bit inside too... like, inside my heart or my spirit... or wherever we feel our feelings. I feel kind of blah today.

This week has been a little low for me, to be honest... and when I feel low, I just want to sit around and do nothing. So instead of doing nothing, I've tried to stay busy with this and that. Here are a few ways I keep myself from diving deeper down:

• Craft time. Pull out paper, glue, scissors, doo-dads (I had buttons), sparkles and go for it! Be creative, have very few boundaries and see what happens. I made a few cards and Lucas created the cutest little crocodile I've ever seen!
• Cooking. I've severely cut our grocery budget this past month (because yikes!), which has resulted in creatively making meals and snacks with pantry items I already have. My favorite is to make baked goods using substitutions like peanut butter, bananas and non-dairy nut beverages. It's fun, and there are always delicious treats as a result!
• Writing. I've written a blog post on disappointment, but have yet to post it online. Still in the works.... Writing is a great way to clear my heart and head. Often I keep the writing private, because if we can't be fully honest in our thoughts, then it's not helpful to our hearts. 
• Nutrition. When I'm feeling low I can often see patterns that have led up to a bad day. Too much sugar, inconsistent meals, lots of caffeine, and not enough wholesome foods. In addition to cleaning up my food habits, I tend to add things like lemon water, turmeric tea and smoothies to my diet. Usually within a couple days, I feel better... mostly.
• Naps. For some... naps are not a good pattern to get into when suffering from depression. This can lead to avoidance, withdrawn behavior patterns and apathy... resulting in more depression. For me... a nap can help jump-start my late afternoon and evenings. As a mother and wife, I often feel weary and worn down. The day in and day out of constantly serving can lead to emotional and mental weariness. A nap can feel like a break for my brain and body in what often feels like a long day.
• Movies or series. I'm not gonna lie... on days when Lucas lays down for his own nap, I get excited to turn on the tv and watch whatever interests me that day. Sometimes it's a documentary, and other times it's something frivolous and silly. Whether it's a good laugh or a good cry, it's a distraction from my internal dialogue, responsibilities and again, what feels like a day of serving others non-stop.
• Something physical I can do indoors. I typically choose yoga, but sometimes prefer pilates, a game of hide and seek with the kiddo or just a tickle fight. Whatever gets the blood moving, always helps.
• Reading. Lately, reading has been a little bit more challenging. Not sure why... but my focus hasn't been what it usually is. That being said, reading can be a great little escape when you have a few minutes here and there.
• Reading something inspirational. For me, it's usually something spiritual, but we all find inspiration in different ways and whatever makes us feel like we've got the umph! to put another foot in front of ourselves, do it.
• Looking at funny things on the internet. I'm not gonna lie, you guys... sometimes I go on Pinterest and look only at the "humor" section. Because some days... that's what it takes. Plus... you can always send the pins to your friends and then you have someone to laugh with! Laughter increases special hormones in your brain, and then... you feel just a little bit better.
• Talking to friends. When I feel crappy, I email my bestie and text my sis. Always cheers me up. In addition, I try and FaceTime, Gmail Chat and be in touch with people who are both encouraging and honest. The temptation to withdraw and stay private has to be resisted, especially when a good chuckle or a sweet story from a trusted friend can make all the difference in a day.

Everyone has things they like to do, but depression can distract us from holding on to our "hobbies." Often, I just sit and dwell in my thoughts, which is super unhealthy for me. My internal dialogue isn't always in a good place and I find myself feeling convinced of things that are severely untrue (feelings of worthlessness...etc.). Staying busy can really help get us through the "dark times" and though we should remain self-aware, making efforts to do the things we enjoy can make a huge difference in a day.

Blessing In Spring

It's Sunday afternoon and as big chunky snowflakes fall I find myself internally rolling my eyes and thinking: "Not again... when is it ever going to end!?" Winter... it's lasting forever this year. This Winter, or so I've been told, has been unusually frigid, dark, snow-packed and long. It's been one helluva Winter!

As I sit huddled in front of this space heater, in an effort to warm my toes, I can't help but compare this winter to my heart after our last move to Muncie. Moving is so hard, you guys. And this... from a gal who has moved... let's see... um, eight times since I was young (moving when you're young counts, because it changes you). That's a few times and at this point you'd think I'd be good at this relocation business. Well, lemme tell you... I'm not. In fact, I think it's harder every time!

Moving can leave a person feeling depressed. In fact, if someone tells me they have moved (to a new state/country) and they don't feel sad, lonely or low... I figure they're either incredibly unselfaware (this is not a word, I know), or lying. There is no way the human heart can go from a place of attachment and familiarity to aloneness and not feel something in their heart. No way!

Depression can feel like Winter... cold, isolating, lacking in color, lonely and trapped. It can leave you feeling like: "What's the point? Why do I even keep at it? Will Spring EVER show?"

Indeed. Spring is always around the corner. And without Winter... there is never a Spring. Truth.

See, there is always hope in the relief and warmth of fresh days, and it is just beyond the horizon. This HAS to end at some point. It can't last forever. It just can't....

As I hold on to the hope of Spring, I can now pull the shades and see the meaning of Winter/Depression. It is not just a cold, bleak time... but a time to hunker down and observe what has importance in life; real importance. When we are in a season of darkness, it is an opportunity to look toward our Creator and the promise to us of better times. We look to the Creator when we are unsure where we fit, or what purpose we serve. The Creator offers us meaning, love, and identity at the core.

Only the Creator can offer this identity. Not our friends, our families, our church, our jobs, our hobbies, our sports, our gardens, our children, our pets... nothing, but God. Sure, these things can add to our identities, but they do not define it. They do not create our core. God created our core from the moment we were birthed... our core was filled with meaning, love and identity... and that is something that is often lost when we are filled with attachment and familiarity to the World. We allow ourselves to be distracted by things that hold little importance compared to the love of our Creator. Taking these things away though relocation is an opportunity to find our core again. To find the love again.

Now, don't get me wrong. If you are in a time of attachment and familiarity, and this is where God has placed you... live it up! Those of us weathering a Winter are envious of the warmth, encouragement and fullness you experience during this time of your life, because it's great! The Lord bless you in this time!

For those of us barely making it through the rough patch, Spring can only come when we've weathered a Winter. Some of us have harder Winters than others, but find blessing in that too. We must have hope that our God is great and he will see us through with his love. This is a time in which I find my core and let it bathe in the warmth of Spring. A time of blossom and enrichment. It's going to be a beautiful and loving Spring!

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven; Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted; Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the Earth; Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled; Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy; Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God; Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the children of God; Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you, for great is your reward in Heaven for in the same way they persecuted the prophets before you. - Matthew 5:3

Life Within

As all family situations would be, when one person is struggling... everyone struggles. Especially the kiddos. Children are flawless examples of the ripple effect. Their seemingly "normal" behaviors can be examples of hurt, loneliness, misunderstanding, and basic internalization of emotion. Children have a narcissistic view of the world, therefore believing everything is about them... including their parent's feelings.

As I have been navigating all my feelings and emotions this Winter, I can't help but be sensitive and aware of Lucas' heart. This boy feels hard and deep! I love him for it... but also find myself nervous that somewhere I'm failing. Don't we all feel this way!? Help! Someone tell me how to raise this child... someone!

Sigh....

On the flip side, there is SO MUCH to be thankful for in this child of ours. He is beautiful. Seriously you guys... we have a beautiful child, inside and out! He's handsome with his big brown eyes, smooth skin and thick dishwater-colored hair. So handsome, that one.

His heart... where do I start?!... it's big, open, sensitive and intuitive. Lucas' heart is full of wild wonder; constantly seeking answers and approval. This child... he wants to be a part of all things big and wonderful. He wants to be seen and understood. I don't think this desire will change within him. He will always fight to be understood.

Lucas is full of life! He runs and jumps and hurdles and rolls with all his might. He finds sticks, rocks, bugs, dirt, mud and water... and will be fully engrossed for all of time, if allowed. He loves critters and just wants to play! Lucas has a light behind those big brown eyes... it's full of smiles, laughter, loud talking, belching... that light is life!

I love these things and more in our son. He is truly special to us... like no other boy I've known. He's uniquely made.

So often we don't talk about parenting while in the midst of depression or emotional lows. How does a parent care for a beautifully full child, when they themselves feel as if their tank is empty? Often I feel this way... and I have no advice. These are moments when I turn to prayer, devotion toward something that fills me (poetry or scripture), and a form of physical activity that leaves me feeling rejuvenated. Also, counseling. Parenting without solid, safe advice seems impossible. I couldn't do it.

Being aware of our own feelings allows us to be intuitive to our children's feelings. When we see our kids' hearts, we see them for what they need and who they are... at the core. I see my child's beauty, light, and life within!



I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. - Psalm 139:14

Vulnerability

There really isn't anything quite like confessing your heart and in return being encouraged by SO MANY people... it's humbling, really. There has been both and prideful and insecure part of myself that knew all along... all I had to do was ask for support, prayer, a phone call, a care package... and it would be there. But, we live in this world where we're afraid to be vulnerable.

Definition of Vulnerability: Easily hurt or harmed physically, mentally, or emotionally.

No one really wants to put their feelings out there, if they fear a negative reaction to their vulnerability. Often, people see confession or honesty as a moment of weakness, but right now... it's the strongest I've felt in months. I feel the strength to overcome insecurity and preconceived notions about "feeling low" or "low grade depression." I am strong enough to not care whether or not people see me as a victim or an over comer... because right now it's about being well.

It would be kind of great if we could be MORE HONEST about our feelings. You know why? Because we all deal with this stuff. These grey days that won't lift. The feelings of numbness. The thoughts that make us feel crowded and heavy. There is no weakness, because we all deal with this darkness on one level, or another. Some of us are carrying heavy burdens and others carry lighter ones... but we all carry it.

Let's talk about it more. I'm gonna talk about it....

"Scare the World: Be exactly who you say you are and tell the truth." -Iaian Thomas, I Wrote This For You

"No legacy is so rich as honesty." -William Shakespeare

Better Days

It's embarrassing how long of a gap has gone between my last post and this one. The pressure to keep up a blog can be heavy... especially for a person like myself: perfectionist, type-A, consistent and slightly concerned about what others think. At the end of the day, I know I should blog... talk about life... keep in touch... post beautiful photos of my beautiful child and family and share our life with the people who love us.

But when you're depressed, all priorities change.*

Yes. I've been depressed. Some days it's "feeling low" and other days it's "just me getting out of bed is an accomplishment" kind of day. Thankfully, I've been able to maintain the status quo and shower and get my kid to school and make meals and keep the house tidy... but at the heart of things, I've felt empty, low, sad, bored and just unhappy.

This is a really hard way to live life, and it's not really working out. I think I've come to terms with that. Living day to day and recognizing things are not getting better.

I guess this isn't so much of a confession as it is a plea for support, love, and understanding. I know I'm not the only person who felt deep sadness in this helluva winter we had (because good Lord, Indiana!) and I know there are reasons I feel low (isolation, loneliness, homesickness...). But sometimes knowing why still doesn't do the trick. Snapping out of it just isn't the answer.

I'm on the track toward better days and I really hope I can use this blog as a way to be honest about life for myself and my family. Because, there have been SO MANY GOOD THINGS going on! I don't want my inability to process my feelings to get in the way of sharing good things.

Here's to being honest. And here's to reaching out.

*If you're feeling depressed, please seek help. Whether it's with a friend, a pastor or a counselor... please find someone to talk to. It will make a HUGE difference. If you're having feelings that include hurting yourself or taking your own life, please call this number immediately: 1-800-273-8255

Welcome The New Year

I sit here in our brightly lit dining room, coffee in hand, bathrobe still on. It's ten-twenty in the morning and I'm refusing to let my chaotic night, lack of sleep and worry of sick child get me down. I've already downed my smoothie, which I packed with extra ginger in hopes to give me inspiration, a lift and maybe a little detox today. And while I sit here in my bathrobe, coffee in hand I look out at the snow-covered everything.

It's been exactly a month since my last blog post and though the four weeks have flown by, much has taken place. We've settled into our new home and it's beginning to smell of our warmth, food and coffee. We've painted here and there, torn off wallpaper, replaced water filters, moved furniture, cleaned floors, scrubbed walls, moved furniture again and really grown to love our new home even more.

Spending a holiday in a new home makes all the difference. It feels more like us.

It was a blissful Christmas Season for us. Quiet. Fun. Relaxing. Matt and I finished a puzzle, played board games, drank lots of beer and watched old westerns. I can't remember the last time we had time to kill. Endless hours to do as we please... nap, play games with the kiddo, go for walks, trudge through the snow and just laugh together. We missed our families, yes. In fact, Christmas felt weird without the bustle and travel and loud rooms full of people laughing and eating delicious foods. But sometimes weird is good. This year, the weird was good for us.

Today, we're on our fourth day of no school, everything is closed, snow-day. The roads still have a lot of ice and packed in snow... our backyard is deep with the white and my bird feeder has been picked clean. After a wonderful holiday, I struggle to let go of the "break" we had. I want it to last forever, but alas, nothing last lasts forever.

It's time to welcome this new year.

Astounding Thankfulness

The month dedicated to thankfulness has past, and yet I find myself ever increasingly thankful. November flew through our lives, blowing out the warm Autumn air and bringing in the crisp fresh air of Winter and December.

The last week of November, I realized there is never a time when we can be thankful enough... and yet a heart of thankfulness seems to be what we all need to get through. How can thankfulness be something that makes our world better? And yet, it does. It's the spirit of it all. Thankfulness is relative... we have varying levels of thanks and as it applies to each of us individually, we all realize how content we are.

The man on the street who appears to be homeless... I offer him my gloves, but he politely declines and says: "How will I eat my chocolate muffin with mittens on?" He pulls a chocolate muffin out of his inner coat pocket. I can't help but laugh, because indeed... eating a muffin with mittens seems just impossible. He also adds, "I have gloves in my other pocket too..." He smiles (toothless) and says, "God bless you. You are too kind." I can see thankfulness in his heart.

As we proceed down the street, it makes me equally thankful to see the man smile.

Thanksgiving Day was a joy for us. Yes, the food was delicious. The wine was perfect. The company was delightful. But... what made the day most joyous was the fact that a family opened their hearts and invited us to celebrate the day together. Grandparents, kids, great grandparents... everyone related... and then us. Yet, we felt welcomed and right at home. A bed was made for us to stay and breakfast was prepared the next morning. There is nothing more enjoyable than being in a home with friends who treat you like family. Our kids ran from room to room, laughing. We sat and told family stories while discussing heritage and old fashioned values.  My heart was warmed by the love I felt extended and the acceptance than can only come from a place of thankfulness.

The Burley Family... minus the twins.

I felt thankful for true friendship that extends the miles and time spent apart.

As I write this, we're on the last couple days of our fourteen day stay in Cincinnati. Matt is working hard, spending the majority of his time in the theater. Lucas and I have had the opportunity to see things, spend time with friends and enjoy the city! We can do all of this, because Matt works incredibly hard to provide these opportunities for us! Our situation can be challenging, but this past week I have been increasingly aware of how lucky we are to have Matt. And in addition, how fortunate we are that Matt has work that pays well enough. It hasn't always been this way. An awareness of how rough things can get makes us incredibly thankful. I am often overwhelmed by Matt's hardworking nature. Lucas and I are blessed with opportunity and exposure, due to Matt.

I have astounding thankfulness for Matt and the way he's shaped his career to serve us and our family.

This past week I've had opportunities to be thankful for everything from a toothless smile, friends who are now like family and a reminder of how thankful I am for the man who chose me to be his partner for life. Every season we have different thanks to be had, and I have to remind myself that we ALL have SOMETHING to be thankful for.

Here's To Joy

Okay guys... confession time. I have no good reasons as for why this blog has been neglected. My only reason is that I've been really low. Like, emotionally low. Like, depressed.

If we all have a "thorn in the flesh" one of my biggest "thorns" is low-grade depression that comes and goes, especially when life is most challenging. The irony of depression is that it hits you when times are the most difficult. Lately, things have been difficult.

I'm working on a few things (like my diet, my spirituality and my physical activity) to get my heart in a better place. Feeling like I'm in control of myself again is really important for stability and I'm aiming to get back there.

In addition, focusing on the joy of the every day. I need to do that more. The every day of life is our life. Why not focus on the joys that greet us in the moments we least expect it? The joy of a great run, or a peaceful afternoon. Let these joys dictate the joy in our heart. Rather than go from one disappointment to the next, I would like to see my heart go from one joy to the next.

So... here's to joy. Here's to turning over a new leaf...

Just What We Needed

Upon waking this morning, I decided today was a great day to get out and be in nature. After a little research and travel planning, I packed lunches and set out for a little adventure.

Ironically as we walked out the door, it began to rain. It hasn't rain in nearly two weeks, but today... it decided to rain. Nevertheless, I maintained schedule.

Lucas and I drove down to Whitewater State Park, Indiana. We drove through torrential rain showers and I decided that we'd hike anyway. Rain or shine.

Thankfully we didn't have to. The weather was perfect at the park.

There is something fantastical that comes alive in the Little when we're out and about. I recognize that we all have a magically confident side that awakens when we step into nature long enough. There is a definite connection to the Earth. For Lucas, it only takes a few minutes and he become more sure-footed, faster on the trail, quieter (thank goodness... because seriously that child talks... ), and has a keener eye for all that is around him.

A few of my favorite moments today centered around stopping on the trail, being very quiet and listening to the sounds of nature. At various points I asked Lucas what he thought he could hear and his responses included these statements:

"I think that is a family of squirrels. Probably a Daddy and a Mommy and a little boy squirrel. They are putting acorns in their food bin for the winter. They might drop one and it will grow into a tree because they will forget to pick it up before they go to bed."

"I hear a bird. It's probably an eagle." Me: "An eagle, huh?" Lucas: "Yep. That's definitely an eagle."

"The wind is blowing those leaves out of the trees (excitedly)! They're falling down! I'm going to catch ALL of them!!"

There were many different types of fungus in the forest today and every time we passed a group Lucas would say: "Mom please don't touch them... they are SO poisonous... don't eat them either!" 

My own mother would be proud.

Today was a much needed break from the regular routine we've adopted. I've found myself in a serious slump lately and really needed a little perspective. There is nothing like a little walk in the woods to bring perspective and though I still don't feel like myself, I'm encouraged by the natural beauty that is around us here in Indiana.

Today's mixture of quiet walking, exploring by the lakeside, seeing cute little critters, picnicking under the trees, and running through the fallen leaves was just what we needed.

Fine By Me: Let's Buy A House

Happy Hump Day, my friends! It's Wednesday and per usual, I love Wednesdays. Not sure why... but maybe because it means the week is half way through!

It's also October, which is one of the most glorious months of the year, for reasons such as pumpkins, homemade baked goods, colored leaves, cool nights and foggy mornings. And snuggling. I love snuggling.

Things are looking up, really.

Matt and I are in the middle of buying a house! As of yesterday an offer was accepted and paperwork was submitted. We have inspections and such, which still leave room for backing out... but it's looking good, folks.

We've had a few snafu's with an interim Realtor, which are humorously bad, really. Situations where interim answers every question with "I don't know the answer to that question" or "Hmm. Yea... you might want to call someone for an answer to that question." Matt and I were incredulous when we were left in a conference room for a half an hour while interim took a phone call unrelated to us.

Thankfully, our original Realtor is back from vacation, and has taken over our proceedings, which leaves us breathing easier. It seems everything is going smoothly and quickly. We'll keep our fingers crossed for now...

So here we are... October. All of our art projects and activities seem to include leaves, beautiful Autumn colors and baked good. Fine by me. Autumn is a wonderful time of the year for delicious treats, snuggling (as mentioned above) and home buying!

Every Day in Autumn

Autumn is a beautiful time here in Indiana! I couldn't be more thankful for the crisp nights, warm days, cool breeze and sunshine. Indiana is not failing to disappoint us, as we are experiencing what I would consider an all-American Autumn.

The cornfields are turning brown, and as the sun sets at dusk you can see the bugs buzzing above the stalks in the glare of the sunbeams. The heat from the day leaves the earth warm and after dark, you can smell the warmth as the air cools with the Autumn breeze. It's stunning.

The mornings provide fog and the light of rising sun streams through the crispy leaves, providing warmth and hope to all the little animals that are waking. We see ducks, geese, squirrels, chipmunks and even a cormorant on the river as we drive through the fog, having to shield our eyes from the Eastern sun.

This Autumn season I find myself truly thankful for all we have here. This place at first glance appears to be simple, plain and easy... all of this true, there is much beauty to be had in the simple. The plain is easy to absorb and appreciate. It becomes natural. The easy makes life seem a little less complicated, and priorities a wee bit easier to identify. We have much to be thankful for. When life is simple and easy, the things we are thankful for become plentiful and meaningful. We appreciate what we're given in the every day.

September is going much too fast... I want it to slow down, so I may savor it and hold on to these foggy mornings and sultry evenings. I want to soak it up and appreciate it as long as possible. Autumn is my favorite time of year, and here in Indiana I'm not sure it gets any better than this.