Righteousness & Beauty

As I venture into my third month as a mother, I continually become more self-aware and cognizant of who I am as an individual. I am growing increasingly more aware of where I fall short and where I am strong. If you know me at all, you would agree that I spend a lot of time evaluating myself. This can manifest itself in both negative and positive attributes, allowing me to better understand where I need development. From a very early point in our marriage, both Matt & I could appreciate the value in having at least one parent at home with our children. With that in mind, we decided that I would be that parent. It may seem like an obvious decision, but for both of us it was anything but that. Matt & I can appreciate the attributes both of us bring into our home and family. Neither of us is more equipped than the other to parent and love our children. With that being said, our decision was based on the fact that Matt's career is intended to be at a higher salary point. Matt went through three rigorous years of Graduate school and achieved a terminal degree, which would be null if he took time off to raise a family. My career is flexible and allows for me to jump back in whenever we feel necessary. So here I am. At home with a baby. And I am not sure what to do with myself. The first couple of months are incredibly fast-paced and leave no time for self evaluation. I felt as though I was stumbling through each day... dirty, wrecked and full of emotion. Now that the dust is settling and Lucas is entering into a time of self-entertainment, naps and schedule I am blessed with the ability to think about who I am as a mother. This is not a question I can easily answer. In fact, this question causes great fear and trepidation in my heart, because I do not have the slightest clue who I am supposed to be in this time of my life. Unlike some girls, I never imagined myself as the best mother ever! In fact, I was never convinced I was supposed to be a mother. I often feel guilty for bring a child into this World and wonder what type of issues or hang-ups he is going to have as a result of being brought up by his father and I. I don't have the "once I'm a mother everything will be as it should be" feelings, because my child does not fill a gap for me. I felt whole before having Lucas. If anything, having him has thrown everything off and created havoc within myself. So, my heart is out on the table in honesty and vulnerability. It's hard to admit that things are challenging in a way I may have never imagined. I don't mind the sleep deprivation or the being at the constant beck and call of another human being. What I find hardest is the fact that I feel I am losing myself in this humdrum life of motherhood. I fear boredom and a lack of contribution to society. I fear being just another woman in the World who has given nothing back for all the good gifts I've been given. As you can see I am in need of guidance. I ask for nothing from you, except prayer. A simple prayer that God would reveal himself to me and develop me into the woman, wife and mother he intends me to be. That this would indeed be a time of development and growth and I would find true purpose in motherhood. I want nothing more than to use my gifts and abilities in motherhood to bless my child and those around me. Please pray that the Lord would develop me into a woman of righteousness and beauty.

103:13  As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on
those who fear him;