Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Cabin Fever, Lonelies and Isolation

Happy New Year friendlies and families! I feel like I should have something wonderful, profound or enlightening to say... but alas, I am feeling dull, and ordinary. My New Year resolutions are normal and predictable... and to be honest, I hesitate to write about them for fear of judgment or worse... that I fail to accomplish them. Maybe in another post.

We've been home in Salt Lake for over a week and it's been nice. Not wonderful... because to be honest, I've been lonely. Yes... it happens every time we travel. I can't wait to get back to my own environment and schedule. But once we've been home for a few days, I grow bored and I miss the conversations I recently had with family and friends. I adore being able to touch and see the people I love. I suppose it's safe to admit I grieve all over again... but on a much smaller scale.

On a positive note, it's a beautiful thing to sleep in your own bed, make our own food and put my kid down for a predictable nap every day. I think having a child really helps me appreciate my own home even more. It's nice to have boundaries with my diet, sleep and responsibilities... no good excuses to slack off!

So in spite of the freezing temperatures, I decided we HAVE to get out of the house today. Lucas seemed to have some cabin fever and I just needed a change of scenery (how pathetic my life seems right now)... because I seriously haven't left the house in like... I don't know... four days! Ack!

So we bundled up.... and walked to the park. The sun was divine... in spite of the 19 degrees we were walking in. I walked a mile before stopping at the playground (mamma had to warm up!)... and then we played.

It was fun to see Lucas laugh and run around. He's been so grumpy the past couple days... that his laughter made me smile inside and out. It seems the laughter of a child really helps ease the burdens of my mind and heart.

So after playground time, I walked another mile (to warm up again) and we passed a construction area. Lucas has been HUGE into trucks, construction and basically anything loud and large. So we stopped and watched the guys (and 1 gal) work for a bit. He's really developed his ability to notice surroundings and make observations based on what he sees. I love it!
Lucas observing "People at Work!"

"People at Work!"
So yes... in case you're wondering... this was the highlight of my day. Construction. It's hard to not feel low on days like these, because I'm fully aware of how small and trite my life is right now. Yes, yes.... I know... I'm investing in Lucas' future... which I don't take lightly and I value this time in our life greatly. But when I'm feeling a tidge homesick, lonely and isolated... I become very aware of days such as these. Days that are just like yesterday and the day before that.

Am I alone in my motherhood lonelies? Is it just because I'm in a city where I know very few people? How do other mothers deal with the lonelies? Or cabin fever?

*Please know, I relish being at home with Lucas and I see the big picture as a very beautiful thing. I am a very fortunate parent in that I can be with my son every day and I thank my lucky stars our life allows for this luxury.

6 comments:

  1. I get lonely too and I live in the same town as my family. After Christmas we spent a couple days at my parent's house. My siblings and sister in-law were even there. It was so nice to share meals with my family and do activities together. However, eventually it was time to head back across town to our humble home. I too enjoy the ease of putting Liam down for a nap in our own house, but also deeply miss being around adults and family. An 11 month old has very poor communication skills ;)

    Getting outside is good. It was too rainy for Liam and I o walk outdoors so we headed to the mall instead. The only problem with walkng there, is the temptation to spend money :/

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  2. Beth, thank you for the updates and pictures. I love keeping up with details of each one of your precious family--even the seemingly mundane or routine!

    For example, the excursions to the park or the walks where I can see you guys in your element--these help me feel closer and more connected, even though we are so far away.

    I enjoy every single expression, the beauty of your area and the stories--like this one about the construction (We can't wait to drag out Matt's old BIG Tonka truck when Lucas is ready! It's a (little) man's machine!)

    These experiences are the "stuff" of life--right where you belong-- doing just what you want to do-- making the world a better place-- just by being you.

    I'm glad you have an unusual honesty to express life's struggles and that you have so many peer friends and family with whom you've chosen to share your journey. God, I believe, can do nothing but bless you (remember, 'blessed are those who seek...'). So, I'll add my blessing to His and say, "God bless you, Matt and Lucas today". With love, Dad Tibbs

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  3. "Am I alone in my motherhood loneliness?" Girl? That's why the internet was created. ;) I'm only half kidding. I think that's why I tend to be on here every day, just to connect to the outside world and what other people are doing. I think we all tend to feel lonely in this job, even though we never get to be truly ALONE! The things that have helped me are a)when my kids got old enough to talk. It's annoying, but also entertaining and comforting. and b)having appointments set up--even just a couple a week--for Bible study, playdate or mom's group or SOMETHING.

    Hang in there! this is a season in life, and it has moments of wonderful and moments of dreary. You're a good mommy!

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  4. I agree with Jen. Most days, the only way for me NOT to feel like a crazy person is to have SOMETHING to do every day. Most days I have at least one errand to run OR a playdate OR a playground visit, etc. Something (and a special emphasis here) OUT. OF. THE. HOUSE. As far as the loneliness goes, it does go away a little when your kids talk but the more involved your kid becomes in "stuff" (like preschool, playdates, swim lessons), you are so busy taking them here and there and talking to and meeting other moms, your life suddenly becomes TOO busy with SO many people in it! :) It's a good thing, and what you are going through is definitely normal and certainly okay to admit! Even though all my friends were right here and available, I often had days (when it was just Henry) where you just feel alone and burdened by the weight of everything you are responsible for. It's not easy! But I keep faith in knowing how precious these first years are and try to shug every bad day off when I see those little stinkers fast asleep at night. Doesn't it just feel good to say, "BEING A STAY AT HOME MOM IS HARD!!!"? :) I think if you can say that, you are what I would call "normal." Love ya, friend!

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  5. Oh you guys are the best! Thank you for the support and encouragement. I wish I could hug you now!

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  6. Lucas is getting so big and I am so sad we haven't been able to see you guys the last couple of times you have been here. As I read your blog, I think, THANK GOD I am not the only one. Its amazing how sometimes we forget to go outside! YIKES! I am always around and would love to hear from you if you want to chat, test, email, whatever. We miss you terribly. I love the pictures, Nat would be jealous of the snow. She wants one good snow day to sled down the hill in front of our house.

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