We have been dwelling in our shabby apartment for six months. Six painful months. I continually complain about various elements of our home that make it inferior to any other apartment in my mind. I am always looking at other places to live... seeking a hole in which we can possibly break our lease without penalty. I've refused to accept this apartment as our home and continually whining about how imperfect it is.
That being said, my husband... who is generally a very patient and permissive of my need to vocalize my thoughts... put his foot down regarding my attitude about this apartment.
Ack! I know I'm WAY over the line when the hubs has to give me the "what-for" and set me straight. A good talkin' to, if you will.
And... he's right. Of course.
My attitude stinks. And... no one likes a person with a bad attitude.
When I look at myself without defenses and without the mask of innocence I see why I am so negative and unwilling regarding this apartment. I'm negative because I'm worried about what people will think. Will they judge us trashy because the walls are different texture in every room? Will people think we're dirty because the carpets aren't new? We don't have a dishwasher or a bathtub... that must make us poor. I don't want people to think we're poor! If we have a nicer, newer home people won't judge us.
My attitude is shameful and my motives are in the wrong place. This realization of myself is embarrassingly humbling.
This home was provided to us as a means of functionality and love. God gave us this apartment and for the past six months I have been blatantly refusing to accept his gift. Rude. It is a place to dwell, to seek refuge and to love those who enter it's door. No matter what home we live in, this should be my heart.
Matt's request was that I would "accept this apartment as our home at this time." That is my goal. To embrace this home. To make it ours for the moment. To let this home be a place of love and security. To check my own heart and allow thankfulness to flood my soul. To know that the things of this World are fleeting, but the soul remains.
A newer home won't change my heart. It will only foster my need to maintain the status quo. It will only fuel my fire for "fitting in" and impressing my friends. This will only lead to defeat and ultimately failure. The Lord calls us to seek the things of eternity.
That being said, as a means of "making this home our own" I will post my efforts and accomplishments here. I've challenged myself to find creative ways to make this apartment something we feel at home in. We value beauty, comfort, functionality and cleanliness in our home (mostly me... control freak much?) and it's my goal to create that type of atmosphere right here, in this shabby lil' shack.
Wish me luck!
*So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.