Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Painfully Aware

Today is my birthday.

After a conversation the hubs and I had the other night, I realize that thirty-two years does not bring wisdom, depth or knowledge. A person can go through all the joy, hardship and life experiences only God can provide...but they add nothing without personal fulfillment and satisfaction.

Yes, my life is full... Full of beautiful people, beautiful family...beautiful moments. I have more than some women could dream of. I have a loving, sacrificial husband. I have a healthy, vivacious son. I have food to eat, birth control, and a pillow to lay my head on at night. Hell...I am fortunate enough to stay home and be the wife and mother I've always dreamed of being. Which means, I have dreams and some of them have already come true.

In spite of how lucky, blessed, fortunate and full of wealth I am, I often take that for granted. I ask myself why do I feel empty? Why do I feel like there should be more? Why am I so dissatisfied with life?

Clearly something is broken inside of me...but how does a person turn on gratitude? Where do I find peace and true thankfulness? How do I turn off all this negativity in my head? When will I be thankful for this beautiful life I have? I am on my thirty-second birthday. I am painfully aware of my need for growth and spiritual awakening. I am no longer naive as I was in my twenties, but longing for more within myself so as to appreciate more from this life I am living now. The joy that emanates from within seems out of my reach, but I still long for it. I want it for myself and for my family. I long to fill my husband with joy when he and I are together. It saddens me to think my son won't see his mother as a joyful person.

I make no promises, but hope this thirty-second year brings hope for a happier, more satisfied self.

1 comment:

  1. We are always hardest on ourselves. I have found you to be a person of insight and fun. I hope you can find your inner satisfaction this year of life and be aware of the fun you are showing your son! We forget that these little minds think so much simpler than our complex muddled ones. A fort in the living and playtime at the park are oftentimes the top of the world for little bodies. Our being present in the moment is all they want. Happy Birthday Beth! Be gentle with yourself and love your inner goodness!