Thursday, June 28, 2012

My Child May Be A Menace To Society

I spend every waking (and sometimes sleeping) moment with my child, so I don't have the luxury of shopping on my own. Oh gosh, I dream about it...the browsing, going from rack to rack and then back...trying things on, grabbing a different size and trying that on too! I dream about it, all...the...time.

And after today...sigh...

I was in JCPenney (don't you be judging...) quickly and efficiently checking out summer dresses. Matt and I are headed to Chicago and I thought I'd grab something trendy and fun (JCPenney is SO trendy you guys!..).

I'm doing all the right things, at least I think I am. I keep Lucas in my line of sight and tell him to sit on a little display. It's like a table with lady-mannequins standing in dresses. He's behaving...not touching (which is like torture for this toddler), but has a definite gleam in his eyes.

I should have known better.

I glance at him just as he pulls the hem of a strapless maxi and the dress pops over the boobs of the mannequin and rests lightly on her curvy hips. Oh dear! Lucas just stripped that woman and now she's flashing everyone in the cashier line. Not just flashing, but the perkiest, nippliest flash I've ever seen! Serious boobage.

Of course, all those sweet older ladies give me the "we-are-not-amused" look. The get-control-of-your-chil look. I was so embarrassed, I left the half-naked lady to escape judgy eyes. Retreat!

But it doesn't end there...

I pull Lucas away and scold him for touching. What else can I do? Mommy's not done trying to browse, so what do I do?...I sit Lucas on another display. I am the smartest mom...ever.


He touches the foot of the mannequin and she falls off the table, crashes on the tile floor and her arms fly in separate directions...sliding down the aisle. CRASH!! If I had worked there, I would have worried someone was hurt. Devastation. My heart stops and Lucas' eyes are saucers of fear. I'm fairly sure he thought he was going to my hand.

I swallow down my sheer embarrassment, put my purse down (take deep breath), pick up the mangled mannequin, put her back into her (precarious) position and retrieve her arms. I should have beat my child with those arms, but thanks to my years of retail experience, I was able to repair our lovely mannequin to perfection.

If you're wondering, there were people everywhere and none of them had pity on me. No one helped and even worse, they stood and observed (scrutinized) me. It was comparable to dropping your lunchbox in 5th front of everyone! Again, devastation.

But...I tried to behave with grace. Oh yes, I got in Lucas' face..but he was so shocked, that it felt like a fair consequence. I swallowed my pride, took my child by the hand and continued to "browse". I would not be deterred.

After all that, I ended up buying nothing for myself. And realizing I can't take my child anywhere.


  1. How long has it been since I've browsed and shopped for clothes? Sooooooooo long. Seriously, I buy everything online. Because of the children.

    We had a moment with Grace and something crashing down recently: she was in the bathroom by herself after her bath getting ready for bed and she messed with the shower curtain and the WHOLE THING CRASHED DOWN. She shrieked in horror and dismay and it took, seriously, 10 minutes to calm her down.

    1. Oh gosh, that would have scared me...poor girl. Glad she's okay.

  2. Oh, sweet Beth. I will babysit Lucas for a few hours as soon as you get back to Salt Lake and you can spend the blissful hours shopping leisurely or doing whatever the heck you want. Seriously, you deserve it! Love you!

    1. Thanks Haley! You're too sweet. It'd be fun to shop WITH you!

  3. Yes, like Haley, I am happy to have " little Lucas" come play with the big kids for a few hours so you can shop! On another note, we were in Whole Foods the other day with the kids and I felt like people were looking at them like they were aliens, and they were just walking along ( we weren't in SLC- maybe three kids looked like a lot to them?!). I don't know, it irritates me when people aren't gracious towards kids- we were all kids once, people!! :) Miss you guys! Love to read your writing. I can just hear you talking:)