Fill My Tank

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke up on you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Matthew 11:28

I'm not sure if it's the season of life I'm in, the holidays or the fact that I'm losing my grip... but life has taken over! I find myself with less time to sit and ponder, learn or evaluate. I'm running walking at a quick pace and in an effort to keep up with daily tasks, the kiddo and a minor social life, I have less time to myself.

I'm feeling selfish right now, because I want that time back.

At dinner with a friend last night she asked if I enjoyed being a stay at home mom and wife. I told her I have my days that are rough... like any job, really. But overall I find myself emotionally healthier than when I was in the workforce. I can pace myself with a routine that works for me and take the emotional time outs I need (which some days are more often than socially acceptable). While Lucas naps, I can read a book... listen to a podcast... do whatever I want to gain mental stability and regain my composure to finish the day with a bang (or a fizzle).

After reflecting on this conversation, I'm painfully aware of the fact that I haven't had as many of those opportunities these past few weeks or months. This had sealed me off from joy and personal peace.

Lucas is older and therefore demands more of me mental attention. He needs to be engaged constantly. The boy is conversing on a regular basis, interrupting and interjecting. This is awesome. But also tiresome. I no longer go about my day with a tag-along. I now go about my day with a side-kick.

 In addition, I go through spells where I forget to prioritize "me time." Instead of taking the quiet afternoon time I finish laundry, prep dinner or finish projects that need space from a preschooler. I capitalize on my productivity and neglect my heart all the same. Frankly, the chores will always be there... but sanity may not and more often I'm realizing I do not intentionally set aside time every day to invest in my spirit or my emotional well-being.

Lastly... I am a social person, which involves being with other people. I thoroughly enjoy hanging out, sharing and socializing with others. This is a great thing for me and is often a part of my life that creates wellness. The flip side of that is if I am more social than quiet and contemplative, I grow tired. My heart is depleted of wisdom and joy and often those conversations I relish become difficult and forced. Essentially, if I do not fill my internal tank... I have nothing to give to those I value.

So here we are... I'm feeling a little low on my internal tank. The holidays have me planning and dreaming (because let's be honest... I LOVE the holidays!), which means projects and events and memories being made. But my lack of "me time" has me wishing I had more time to sit, read, blog and take naps.

Matt and I joked the other day of leaving Lucas with our parents for a day while we're in Oregon for Christmas... and sneaking away to sleep. Not talk. Not mess around. Not see a movie. Just sleep. Clearly we need more peace in our lives.

I suppose this is an admission in an effort to make immediate change. This is me making myself vulnerable to those who can (and will) hold me accountable. And to those of you who are feeling tapped out, it's important to love yourself! Do it. Today I will focus on filling my own internal tank, so I have more love to give this season!