Why is it, that when we do something for years it seems so normal and painless, but...when we step away from that something for a length of time, then jump back into it, it's difficult? Say, an author who really wants to write, but can't drum up the perfect plot. Or a fashion designer who can only visualize one pattern for months on end.
This past weekend I sang at church and I have not "performed" in front of my peers for what seems like years. As a vocalist I have always prided myself on keepin' it real calm in spite of my little nerves underneath. I have fears and though many of us try and pretend like we're all-that-and-a-bag-of-chips, we're just scared that people are going to judge or ridicule us.
My new friends are all pretty cool people and yes, they're normal... but they're cool. Like, hipster cool. Yea... I'm friends with these people.... but underneath the skinny jeans and Toms, they're all pretty rad. They're down to Earth, love this weirdo community we live in and most of all, just want to serve the Lord. Just like Matt and I, they're trying their hardest to make this World a more loving place, while still enjoying the splendor of life.
Many of our new friends did not know that I am a vocalist, which added to the anticipation/butterflies/nerves/shaking knees. It seems like I try and avoid telling people I'm singing, for fear amping things up too much. I tried to break the ice by telling Emily and a couple gals from my Home Church... just so I could feel their support while I'm up attempting to praise the Lord in spite of my I'm-gonna-pee-my-pants-I'm-so-nervous feelings. Yea... it was THAT bad.
I don't know why I was so nervous, because I'm a grown ass woman, for Pete's sake (pardon my language)! You'd think that as a young person I would be a bit less cavalier about these things... and now that I've given birth, would give a poop about what people think (yes, I see the irony of birth and poop). But... I think it's the opposite.
Now that I'm a woman, (you're not considered a woman till you hit thirty, people... or had a couple kids...) I KNOW what people are capable of thinking, and that judgement scares me more than ever. Adults are mean and let's just say that when you hit thirty, you don't stop worrying about what people think... especially when you're a people pleasing, joke telling, mammacita!
All of that being said, it's important for each of us to share our gifts and talents with one another. It's incredibly meaningful when a friend or non-friend shares something only they themselves could have given... something directly from their heart. Not something paid for, but a gift from the very core of their soul. I want to give my gift away too and it's shameful how often I let my own insecurities, shortcomings and self-centeredness get in the way of that. Now that I've broken the ice, I hope to share this gift of mine more frequently... and hopefully without some of this gosh-darn baggage!