Ugh... I haven't written all week and now that's it's after midnight, I have thoughts I'd like to share. Ironic, isn't it? Maybe this is why I have thoughts... because it's late and I've been home alone. To boot, I've been watching documentaries again. Tisk, tisk. Watching these types of movies gets me into trouble sometimes... instigating possible lifestyle changes, diets or interests that I bring up with the hubs far too often over the course of one meal.
Anywho, one particular film I watched is called The Human Experience and I found it very moving. There are various reasons this film touched me (I'm tired... and emotionally weak)(it highlights disease and tragedy in the World...I mean, who's heart doesn't break seeing that stuff!?), but the largest one being that my heart is already tender toward social injustice. I always come back to one way I feel compelled to serve the World and it's through fostering children. Being a foster parent is something so remarkable to me... especially those who are admirable and wise.
I will admit, I've always kinda kept this feeling under wraps, because it means a commitment is being made. Sorta like when you say to your friends, "I'm gonna marry that guy..." There is serious potential of things swinging either way. It could end up happily ever after and everyone thinks to themselves, "Wow, she is so intuitive to know that he was the one!" or it could end in some pride-killing disaster where you hang your head in shame, hoping no one remembers you staking your claim on that hunk of a man (who ended up being a total loser).
So yea... I've made murmurs of my heart regarding fostering children amongst those closest to me... but typically keep it under wraps. If I was being really honest (which is typically my rule... if you haven't noticed) I would say one of the biggest reasons I don't talk about this ache in my heart is because there is still so much I don't know about the life of a foster parent. Sure I've done some research, but I don't really know anything... and that scares me. What is it they say?....or better yet Mr. Emerson says... "Fear always springs from ignorance." Yea. That's me. Totally ignorant.
On top of all that, I worry about my own inability to perform as a foster parent (or what it will do to my marriage...which sounds incredibly selfish). I generally think that it's naive to believe that I'm capable of loving a child/teenager the way they need to be loved, because I have this push in my heart. That's not enough. It's important to be equipped with knowledge and wisdom, to prevent damaging others... and I'm not sure I have that yet. But... I have the compassion. And that's a start, right?
All of this leads to wondering if I should go back to college (and accrue a sh*t-load more of financial debt) and seek out a degree/Masters in social work or counseling. What to do? What to do? This is another thought that rolls around (bumps into) my brain constantly. And it's this weird circle... because Social Work would be a beautiful way to educate myself regarding the welfare of these children and yet would I ever work as a social worker or just be a foster mother to children/teens who need a safe and loving home?
So here I am with my thoughts.
I encourage you to watch The Human Experience (if you haven't already) and examine your own heart. Sure, I've had the tug on my heartstrings for children without families since I was a teen, but sometimes watching, reading or discussing something of worth will rile us up a little bit more than usual. The parts of us that can love the World and give it little bit of hope. Stepping outside our comfort zone is tough, and I'm not sure I'm ready for that leap... but talking about it is a start.