It's tough to explain... for someone like myself. I would confidently describe myself as a social person who gains energy and momentum in life through positive interaction with others. And yet, I find myself withdrawing at times... hiding, if you will.
Last week I didn't leave the house much and in fact, didn't do anything social throughout the entire week. I deliberately stayed home and avoided conversation that would evoke thoughtfulness or intention.
Why, I ask myself? I do not know. I suppose one could call it depression, but I didn't feel sad or depressed. I wanted to be alone during the day. Maybe it was laziness. Yes... laziness. I was willing to be alone, in spite of knowing it was unhealthy and unnatural for me... all in the name of laziness. I'm not sure that's the entire truth, but we'll call it that for now.
As I look forward to a new week coming, I realized I was fearing being alone again. No deep conversations to keep me going through the day and no dates lie ahead as something to look forward to. Matt is starting a tech week for Annie, and I feel the small dread that always creeps in, even though I'm fairly rehearsed and practiced with these things now. The afternoon and early evening were headed toward lowness and general poor morale... probably resulting in an early bedtime. Lame.
But low and behold... I have my small group... who also happens to be my housemates (most of them). And after Matt left for the theater, I granted myself permission to stay upstairs and chit chat with the people I also share a home with. Just this small amount of conversation made the difference in my attitude and I find myself encouraged and filled with some hope for this upcoming week.
It's amazing how people fill our lives with purpose. And when I'm void of people in my life, I also feel void of purpose. In full honesty, I haven't the faintest clue what type of purpose I serve with my housemates, but through conversation, laughter and vulnerability, I recognize a feeling of intentional relationship. Being alone is tough... and life can leave us in very lonely moments, but it's in these moments I should force myself to be immersed in purposeful relationship. In these relationships, I see parts of myself revealed that emit positivity and love. And isn't that what makes life a bit more bearable? Positivity. Love. I could use a little bit more of those these days.